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AAM: "I will confront you by Wednesday of this Week"

Content advisories: drunkenness, groping, unarmed violence, chaos, epic holiday partying.
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(no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have twin sons who are in college at different schools. They are good kids but a bit young for their age. I don't think either of them has ever dated. I have always taught them that they should have enough money to take a woman out on a date, and right now they aren't working. I offered to give them some cash to help them in case they do want to take someone on a date, but so far neither has taken me up on it. Have I done something wrong as a mother? Why are they so delayed? -- Arrested Development

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(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister openly doesn’t like me (and has said so publicly and directly), though we manage well enough for family events. I get along with my brother and his wife, but they are horrible at communication and interact with my sister more frequently. My dad gets along with all of us and is good at communication, but lives in denial of all weird family dynamics.

Around every holiday season or major family function, I get left out of crucial information regarding plans, transportation, emergency changes, etc. One consistent hurdle: Brother or Dad tells Sister something and assumes she will pass it on to me, and she doesn’t. I have explicitly told them both to stop doing this, and they just forget, leaving me scrambling when they ask why I haven’t RSVP’d/contributed to a group gift/etc. On the flip side, neither of my siblings is particularly good about getting back to me when I reach out to them, so asking directly doesn’t help either. (Brother and his wife are notoriously bad at responses with everyone, so it’s not personal, just frustrating.) One workaround I’ve discovered is to ask Dad to reach out on my behalf, because that guarantees an actual response, but it’s irritating that I have to resort to that to get basic information like, “What time do you expect me to arrive at your house?” Is there anything I can do to make this easier?

—It’s Mean Girls Meets Finding Dory

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Current Mood: amused

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carolyn hax

Update to a fustercluck

[Originally posted in chat; I have added paragraphs for readability]

My brother has organized an ill-advised surprise party for my father's 75th birthday.

Our father is a complete introvert and also very exacting. He likes things to be a certain way, and gets tense and angry if everything is not perfectly to his taste. He hates loud places and large groups of people. Unfortunately, he's always used excessive alcohol to handle social engagements and gets belligerent when drunk.

Because of all of this, I was surprised when my brother, "James" told me that he'd planned a surprise birthday party of 30 guests for my dad at a new restaurant. The guest list includes the following extremely awkward confirmed attendees: our aunt (dad's semi-estranged sister) who is an overbearing religious fanatic none of us can stand; our mother (dad's ex-wife) who is resented by our dad and hated by our aforementioned aunt because of the divorce; and a number of neighbors who our dad has been feuding with off and on for the last 20 years.

I asked my mom why she was going along with this and she said James called in a big favor she owed him and she felt like she couldn’t say no, so he’s pulling out all the stops to make this happen.

I don't know how James could possibly think this is a good idea, except that he has a huge ego and believes this will be some fairy tale reunion where everyone will suddenly make nice. I don't mean that James is a bad guy but he has a tendency to steamroll over people and do things "for their own good." Every argument I've made against this party has prompted him to lecture me and act like he knows so much better because he's 7 years older than me.

It's true that my Dad can be difficult but I don't want him to feel ambushed on his birthday. If James keeps refusing to cancel should I warn my dad? Or do I just kick back with a glass of wine and watch the drama unfold?

( response and update )

Four letters to Carolyn, with no particular theme

1. Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I got engaged on Jan. 1, 2024 — so, almost two years ago — and then my sister and her fiancé got engaged this past summer. For a whole host of reasons, my fiancé and I have not gotten far at all in the wedding planning, but my sister and hers set a date and booked a venue pretty quickly — for the first weekend in July.

Recently, my fiancé sighted a local, family-owned venue and has started saying he wants to get married there in mid-June, around our anniversary and after school lets out because there are kids in our families we want to be there. If we did that, then it would be back-to-back weddings, which I — I cannot stress this enough — do NOT think is a great idea.
My sister and I have very overlapping guest lists, for one thing. Plus, I will be in her wedding (and hopefully she in mine), and I think we would each like to be able to focus on that without worrying about the details of another big event around the same time. Also, we are from a close family, and it just feels like squeezing too much juice out of one summer. Our mom is not super healthy, and I know she wants to be there for both of us.

I would strongly prefer to postpone our wedding until perhaps next spring, and honestly since we (especially my fiancé) have dragged our feet this much so far, there doesn’t feel like much of a hurry anymore. My fiancé is upset by this and says it feels like I’m letting my sister delay our marriage. Am I being obtuse by thinking we should get married a few months later than he wants to? We have been together for almost eight years, if it matters!
— Sister

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2. Dear Carolyn: How do you navigate co-parenting a teen who is wicked smart but seemingly without motivation? My 17-year-old junior signed up for four AP classes this year, even after a good conversation about the amount of work they are and his not-great track record of turning in schoolwork. He thought he could handle it.

Here we are at the second quarter, and lo and behold, he’s struggling to keep up. I’m not in I-told-you-so mode, I promise! I am trying to be collaborative, asking how we can handle things here at my house to make it easier for him to focus (should probably mention ADHD). Those conversations always feel productive in terms of treating each other with respect, but … less effective at actually getting work done.

I am solidly of the opinion that, within reason, he should reap both the rewards AND the consequences of his decisions, and if an F is the consequence of not doing the work, well. His dad is much more aggressive at his house, and frequently my son comes back to me after a row with his dad over his lackluster performance.

Dad and I manage decently well at co-parenting except for this one area. I feel like Dad is worried more how all this reflects on HIM and not as interested in who his child really is. I can relate to my kid’s struggles, having had similar problems — and also possibly being neurodivergent, too — but Dad thinks if he just lectures enough, it will finally sink in.

My son can completely articulate what will happen if he fails a class and what will happen to his college and job prospects if his GPA tanks. What’s the point of repeating it ad nauseam? I am also trying to be a safe place, but his dad thinks I’m doing absolutely nothing. I’m fine telling Dad to stuff it about the “nothing” I’m doing, because I’ve been advocating hard for my kid since kindergarten — but any thoughts on navigating this? I use what few levers I have to encourage getting the work done, but he’s 17, and I can’t exactly tie him to a chair.
— Co-Parent of an Unmotivated Teen

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3. Dear Carolyn: I have always found the holidays to be a massive pain in the neck, and I have little interest in participating. This is not a new thing; I’m 30, and I’ve always felt that way. Like Scrooge, I’ve always been happy to let others keep Christmas in their way and for me to not keep it in mine.

Two years ago, I was married. Our engagement happened over a Christmas season, so my wife was well aware before she married me that I’m not the Christmas type.

Well, you guessed it, she is insistent that I help pick out and decorate a tree, put up Christmas decorations, attend holiday events, and buy a bunch of Christmas gifts. I’ve told her point-blank that I will not do it. I’ve told her SHE is welcome to buy and decorate as many trees as she wants, but I’m not helping with it. This has led to a couple of arguments, tears and claims that I’m selfish. She’s not speaking to me after I told her yesterday that I wasn’t planning to be home for the big party she’s planning to throw.

To me, Christmas is like religion: Practice it if you want, but don’t nag other people to practice it with you, and don’t try to change people who are (or were) happy with their lives as they are. So who’s right here?
— Scrooge

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4. Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, my in-laws asked me and my husband if we wanted them to help us buy a house. They had asked before and we said no, but at this point we were ready to start building community roots, so we said yes please. With their help, we bought a house we love(d), a cozy four-bedroom house in a progressive suburb.

On a visit a few months later, my mother-in-law tutted over the two bedrooms we turned into our offices, commenting that “it will be hard to repurpose these for babies when it’s time.” At no point have we ever indicated that we plan to have children, and in fact we do not plan to, which we had to tell her then.

Carolyn, she was so upset that it was shocking. Though my father-in-law helped defuse, she bawled violently at this news and informed us that she felt like she had bought us a house under false pretenses. She eventually collected herself but was subdued for the rest of the planned visit, another day and a half.

It has been about 18 months since then, and our relationship is now chilly. I feel uncomfortable inviting them to our home because now I feel like they think we don’t deserve it. I find it hurtful to know they wanted us to have a nice house not so that we could enjoy our own lives, but to enrich their grandchildren. And at some level, I feel like we stole from them, even though it’s ridiculous.

Every week, I tell my husband I think we should sell the house, give them some of the proceeds and go back to apartment living. He says I’m nuts and to ignore his mom’s dramatics. But did we do something wrong here?
— Hurt

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LW is, indeed, the biggest of the buzzkills

Our 6-year-old is about to lose her first baby tooth, and my wife wants her to put it under her pillow and do the whole Tooth Fairy routine. I think this is idiotic. When I said so, my wife called me a killjoy and accused me of ruining a “sacred rite of childhood.” It’s 2025, and I’m pretty sure even little kids don’t believe in the Tooth Fairy anymore. Do I really have to play along with this?

—Dad Living In Reality

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Current Mood: curious

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AAM: My boss wants us to go on an all-day rafting trip

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/can-i-confiscate-my-coworkers-screaming-monkey-toy-boss-wants-us-to-go-on-all-day-rafting-trip-and-more.html( Read more... )