Other bits and pieces

[mrissa]

I meant to say thank you to all of you who have offered congratulations on my story sale. It does mean a lot to me to see positive notes on things like that, even though I don't go through and write "Thanks!" to each.

I'm discovering once again that I have an "other side" of angry and disappointed with a friend about a particular behavior. I come out the other side and then that's...well, not the end of it, per se; not the end of the friendship. I stop getting angry at the other person about the behavior we've discussed, and I just kind of mentally adjust accordingly, that the person is not to be counted on in that matter. And then on I go. This would be fine if it didn't seem to distress people later. And then I want to say, "Look, we talked about X, you agreed that you could see why I was bothered/inconvenienced/hurt/etc. by your doing X and that you would try not to do X any more, you continued to do X almost without pause, and now you're upset at me for having lowered expectations of your behavior as regards X? Why? What else was I supposed to do? Accept perpetual disappointment?"

It's not even that I don't believe people are sorry in situations like this. It's that being sorry seems to matter a whole lot less. If you keep stepping on my feet, it doesn't matter how sorry you are, I'm still not going to want to dance with you. Perhaps we can drink coffee or some other non-stompy activity.

Still, I like it much better than being angry. I'm not very good at angry. You wouldn't think it from the way I rant, but it's true. I just don't like being angry at people I care about, and one way or another I will generally find a way to stop.

I got free underwear today. Victoria's Secret has a promotional where they will send out coupons for free panties every so often, and with them $5 off some specific bra, and then they want to get you into the store and have you look at shiny pretty things and try them on. They want you to feel bad about walking out of there with their panties and all of your money. I don't feel bad at all, particularly as they carry extremely few bras in my size in their stores. The idiot sales clerk kept trying to get me to try on one of the $5 off bras in the wrong size. She was not disputing my size. She just wanted me to "try it on in some other size and see if you'd like it in your size." Ummmm...why? So that I can weep bitter tears at my inability to buy this bra? And who on earth can try on a functional garment -- because bras, as I'm sure many of you know, are not merely boob decor -- and decide whether they would like it in the wrong size? A big part of whether one likes a bra is whether it pinches, pokes, squeezes, welts, or otherwise mistreats the boobs in question! Which you can't tell from trying on the wrong size!

I have occasionally been able to tell from trying on the wrong size pants or skirt that there is no right size. (Usually this happens when the hips fit and the waist is huge. Trying on the next size down is not going to help this problem.) But I just don't see that this is going to happen with a bra -- and if they don't make it in my size anyway, I don't see why it would matter. And I've never been able to tell that something would fit by trying on the wrong size. Just that it wouldn't. I already know that because they don't make this bra in the right size.

Oh, yarg. Just: yarg.

Happily, I managed to get presents for Mother's Day (I know, but we're celebrating it late with my mom and grandma) and for a couple of May birthdays. Leaving me only...ummm...four May birthdays to shop for. Oh. Um. So in addition to "preparing to travel, traveling, and catching up after travel," my May will consist of "buying stuff for people." Well, could be worse, I suppose.

Comments

[markgritter.livejournal.com]

Ah, the complete and utter failure of targeted marketing. Always a wonder to behold.

Sort of like DeVry sending me brochures for their classes.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the Victoria's Secret folks were hoping you would like the bra and want to order it in your size? Though in the cases where, as you say, it does not come in said size, even that makes no sense.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yes, I made it clear that it was not that the bra in question did not exist in the store -- although that, too, was true -- but that it did not exist in the world. No such critter. Just not made -- and if anyone should know that, it would be their employees!

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

That is...just odd. *shakes head*

[ladysea.livejournal.com]

So I am all behind in commenting.

Congrats! *hugs*

Argh about VS. I hate their bras. I figure if I want something itchy and uncomfortable...I will buy it cheap at Target. ;-P

I hope you are having a good week. =)

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Huzzah! re the story, and Grrrrr! re the attitude about your lowered expectations. (What comes to mind is how offended Peabrain became when I finally said, "Nine times out of ten, you're late when you're supposed to meet me. I am no longer going to do time-sensitive activities with you. We'll hang casually, but there will be no more meeting for a movie, or a show." I actually started wondering if he preferred me to get mad, so he could feel persecuted.)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yah, I don't deal very well with people being consistently late to time-sensitive activities. I also don't deal with seeing someone who's going to be late more than once or twice a week. When I'm dealing with friends I see once a month or once every couple of months, if I know that they have extenuating circumstances or are just not very punctual personalities, I'll try to make dinner something that can simmer on the stove without problems, or I'll schedule it for half an hour after they're supposed to arrive.

But for awhile a friend of ours was eating here every night and late very nearly every night, and I'm just not going to eat my dinner cold every night in order to do someone a favor. If nothing else, coming here every evening told him how long it would take to get here, roughly, whereas someone who only comes here every couple of months might miss a turn or something.

I'm not even sure it's about persecution when you stop getting mad at people. Getting mad demonstrates that they matter, and sometimes not getting mad can feel like the converse. Hell, sometimes it can be the converse.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Last time I looked at Target, they didn't have bras in my size in their stores, either. So "cheap" is not really an option for me there. VS does have some things that aren't itchy and uncomfortable, but I certainly can't just walk into the store, buy one, and walk out.

[songwind.livejournal.com]

The "sorry" issue is coming up fairly regularly at my house lately. The kids are having to learn that sorry, without attendant changes in behavior, just doesn't cut it. Hopefully we can teach them this well enough that later on in life they don't do the same thing your friend is doing.

*hugs*

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

It's a good thing to try to teach them. Thanks.

[ladysea.livejournal.com]

hehe.

Liz and I saw some once that would work at hats for us. Assuming we were siamese twins. =P

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

That's a very nice visual.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I had a VS employee tell me that the size I had just been measured at in another store, with a tape measure and everything, could not really be my actual size because I "didn't look like it". Prsumably her eyeballs contained laser measuring devices mor accurate than a low tech measuring tape.

But I don't like most of their bras anyway because the straps always fall off my shoulders, unless it's a racer back. Given that I don't have as much of an issue with other brands, I think the problem lies in them, not me.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

At the risk of sharing too much, they seem to expect my boobs to be rather lower than they are, and this is not just a bra problem but also a dress problem.

Well...some people might not consider it a problem per se. An issue, then.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I'd consider it a problem, anyway: there's the dress issue, the fact that in extreme cases it looks odd (I'm thinking of a former coworker who was in extremely good shape, very muscular, but whose chest hung somewhere around her elbows), and the worry about whether you're being properly supported to cut down on future sag.

Though I'd also have to say that I find Deety Burroughs Carter extremely physically improbable.

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, bras at VS. *tries not to jump on soap box* *realizes resistance is futile*

Yeah, I have trouble finding my size too. They tell me one cup size lower with one band size higher will be "the same." Of course, it is not, because my rib cage does not expand or contract in response to fancy labelling. Also, a larger band size does not pass the all-important "bounce test" in the fitting room.

And yup, good for you for walking out with your free panties.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

(Clarification: "improbable" because though extremely busty, the mere wearing of a bra for "tennis and horseback and such" led to her having no sag at all by her twenties. Yeah, right.)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm not claiming to have unnaturally perky boobs. I'm just saying they're located higher on my body than the Victoria's Secret designers seem to expect.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

They gave me the line about one cup size lower/one band size higher, too. Problem is, I'm already on the borderline of doing that. They said, "wear it on the inner hooks." I said, "I already wear my current size on the innermost hooks." "...Oh."

It's just not the same thing. It's just plain not. Or I could keep going up with one and down with the other until I had a ribon tied around my nipples, and it would be "the same." Uh, no.

When I was having trouble finding a bikini, one of my female friends thought I'd just look supermodel-y hawt if I wore a bikini top that was too small. So I took her into the fitting room with me. I think she's stopped laughing at me by now. (This was when we were in high school.)

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

Or I could keep going up with one and down with the other until I had a ribon tied around my nipples, and it would be "the same."

Bwah!!!!!!! *dies*

Is there a Nordstrom in your area? They have great bras for those of us with the fateful udders-on-a-stick curse.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

They have one at Bigdale (=Mall of America). The cheapest of the bras I saw there in my size was $80, and I was in no mood to pay $80 for a bra I didn't particularly like, but maybe I should try back.

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I should have mentioned. They are expensive! But they last forever.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

That's useful information. I'm willing to pay more if I'm not going to be back again in another few months because the last one fell apart under my so-rigorous handwashing.

[lydy.livejournal.com]

I have a dear friend with amazingly dysfunctional scheduling habits. I thought I was bad at scheduling. I think he takes the prize for really, really bad scheduling, up to and including hurting people's feelings. I've asked around, and he's been like this for at least twenty years. He's always very sorry, and he always has a good excuse, but it never changes. I think he really does try to change, but the habit is too old, and it's too important to other parts of his life.

At my wits end, very angry and very sad, I had to decide if his company was worth enduring this kind of behavior. Were there ways I could be in a relationship with him which didn't make me miserable, and which didn't require that he change. Eventually, I decided that I'd just have to chalk his behavior up to the cost of doing business. It cuts into the "profit" of the relationship, but it's still very much worth it.

It means that I endure a lot of crap that I wouldn't take from someone else. It means that I have to do things that I wouldn't do in a different relationship. And it means I get to stay with him, which turns out to be worth it. I still get angry when he screws something up that I really wanted to do. I still get frustrated. And I tell him. But I've given up expecting him to change, and that has reduced the stress enormously. If it's something really important to me that his scheduling problems could screw up, I try to bird-dog it. That doesn't always work, but that's what's worked best so far.

Cost of doing business. Every sweetie comes with it. Some costs are easier to absorb than others.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Part of my thinking used to be that the friend in question really hadn't had twenty years to get used to being a certain way, as he's only been an independent-living adult for a fraction of that. Apparently either it doesn't take twenty or this person isn't motivated by anything I can do or say.

(That's not true: I could cry on him. I don't know if that would work, but I haven't tried it. So he isn't motivated by anything I will do or say under the circumstances. I won't say I never cry on people, but I never deliberately turn on the waterworks to get my way.)

And you're right: sometimes changing how the relationship goes is much better than continuing to get upset, demanding change from someone unwilling or unable to give it, or quitting entirely. So things change between us, and on we go, people who don't give up on each other but can no longer really rely on each other, either.

On an unrelated note, there will be blueberry muffins waiting for you when you get home from work tomorrow.

[carbonel]

I finally have new bras. I knew that I needed them, even before Karen Cooper said, "Beth, what's that sticking out of your chest?" and I admitted it was my too-large bra. I got mine at Marshall Field, and the nice fitter did the measuring thing, because I honestly had no idea what size bra I wore.

I ended up with Wacoal brand, in three different flavors (two different underwires, and one non-underwire). They're remarkably comfortable, and they fit. I don't know how long it's been since I've had a bra that the middle of it was flush to my chest instead of sticking out some -- though not usually enough to be as noticeable as the one Karen pointed out.

I have no idea if Wacoal would work for you, but it might be worth a try. They're not cheap (just over $50), but are supposed to last well, and I can tell they're well-made.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have bookmarked their website. They clearly believe in my existence -- that is to say, they have my size in a great many things -- and so it might well work. I don't know if Dayton's will carry my size so I wouldn't have to order them, but it's worth checking out, at least, and ordering one online would not be any worse than my current situation. Thanks!