Questions from Yoon

[mrissa]

yhlee is doing the periodic lj meme, where she'll answer five questions or ask you five questions. I decided to give it a go: you can ask me 0-5 questions and/or have me ask you a set.


1. Who are a couple of your favourite composers? ;-)
We'd just been talking about classical composers, which is why the Yoon is winking at me. Anyway -- some of you know this story -- when I was a senior in high school, I went in for my first piano lesson of the year and told my piano teacher I wanted to talk to her. "Sandi, we've been together eight years," I said, "and I've trusted your judgment. But this is my senior year, and I'm really busy, and I'm only going to play what I want to play this year." Sandi, seeing her only chance at four-hand Mozart duets going up in smoke for the piano reductions of the score of Disney's Aladdin, sighed and agreed. "And what I want to play this year," I said, "is fugues." And I did. I played Bach fugues all the way up through early February. Sandi talked me into some Kabalevsky in mid-February. Other than that, it was All Bach, All The Time.

Her Golden Retriever loved Bach.

2. What instrument did you learn first, and why?
Seriously learned? Piano. I tootled around with a recorder and an ocarina, and I messed with my mom's guitar, but I also messed around with the piano. The piano has room. You can do a lot of stuff with a piano. You don't get pigeonholed as a pianist. Also, we had one in the house bought and paid for. That helped.

3. What was your least favourite nickname (if any) growing up? Or even now. (YoonHaHaHaHa!)
One of my *cough* zanier great-aunts called me Ris-Kris, for Marissa Kristine. Adorable.

Almost all the relatives used to call me Rissy when I was small. My grands still do, but my grands are entitled. It always slays me, though: my grandmother will start a phone conversation, "Say, Rissy," and then back up parenthetically: "This is Grandma." There's only one other person in the world who would still start a conversation, "Say, Rissy," and he has lived with her for 55 years and has an easily distinguishable voice.

At school I got called clever things like "brain" and "calculator" and "dictionary." I don't think those are really nicknames per se.

4. How do you approach jewelry-shopping? I am mystified by this, even when I see the pretty.
In a totally avian fashion: "Ooh, sparkly! [swoopgrab]"

Some things are mine. I see them and think, "Mine." I can't explain it. I didn't buy myself jewelry at all often before I met elisem. Most of my jewelry arrived as gifts, some inspired, some functional, some destined to live in the back of the jewelry box. I still don't buy myself a lot of jewelry. Not a lot of it is mine. But some is. It's not even always funky unique stuff. There was a little silver heart on a little silver chain that fit the right way in my hand and in the hollow of my throat, and I startled my mom by buying it on the spot -- she'd never seen me do so before, and it was another several years until I did again.

I can't explain how those things are mine. They just are.

I also get a little symbolic with jewelry given me by friends. porphyrin has made me niftier necklaces than the first one she made me, but I still reach for it when I'm most uncertain, or for an ankle bracelet she made me (it can go under my sock when it's too wintry to wear on its own, so it doesn't have to match), because it's a tangible reminder of unexpected joy in that friendship.

Also my books have always felt like rocks in my head, so sometimes if I get to wear those rocks, that's a good thing. And I know my own books. I mean, of course one would. I spent last December terrified that elisem was going to sell one of my (unwritten) books to someone else before I had a chance to pet, wear, and write it. I don't think someone else could write this one. It's going to be hard for me, but I think it would be impossible for not-me.

5. Best way to relax on a cold autumn evening?
Varies with evenings. A book and a hot beverage (mulled cider or cocoa) will rarely serve me ill, but sometimes they're not enough to actually get me to relax. Relaxing a Mrissa is not as easy as it perhaps should be.

I'm off to fetch markgritter from the airport. This will be a good, good thing.

Comments

[wilfulcait.livejournal.com]

I'm about to leave to fetch J from the airport too. Let's hear it for Fridays and homecomings.

I'll take five questions, if you have five on hand.

[gwyneira.livejournal.com]

Her Golden Retriever loved Bach.

I had a cat who loved Bach, at least on the piano. Whenever I played Bach, he'd jump up and lie down on the lid. However, when I played Beethoven, he'd wander around the music room moodily and yowl until I stopped.

being asked

[(Anonymous)]

As I come from a country where people rarely intrude if someone looks like they work hard to be walled into themselves, nobody has asked me any (well, if I do not count in more than one person who has not talked to me for couple of years, asking during a random meeting : "Are you a grandmother?" I do not know why this one is considered to be the most neutral question) questions for years. So I am curious to find out what 5 things would you ask me.

Aet

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Chels (the dog) would sometimes come and lick my knee slowly and happily if I was wearing shorts or a skirt while playing Bach. I never saw her get offended and move off, though.

The cats just always wanted to be in the same room as me because they weren't allowed; it didn't seem to matter whether I was playing Bartok or Debussy or Haydn.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

1. Okay, homecomings: do you have a favorite memory of coming home?
2. And airports: any airport horror stories?
3. If you could delegate one household chore for the rest of your life and never have to do it again (and still have it get done), what would it be?
4. When you were 9, what were your favorite books?
5. When you were 15, what did you expect to be doing at your current age?

Re: being asked

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Keep in mind that these are only the five things I would ask you today, and tomorrow they'd probably be entirely different.

1. Grandmothers: do you remember yours? Adoringly, fondly, indifferently, maliciously?
2. If you were going for a walk somewhere, what kind of setting would you prefer (garden, wilderness, city, neighborhood...)?
3. What is the happiest thing you've done or had happen to you in the last month?
4. What might a really happy morning look like? Breakfast in bed, running off to see dawn in a great location, sleeping through the whole morning, losing yourself in a book so you can't tell what time of day it is?
5. If I had an afternoon in Tallinn, what would you want to show me? Can be historical, artistic, personal ("and this is where I lived when I was 17"), culinary, whatever.

Re: being asked

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks for the questions. My answers surprised me and made me disgusted with the person whom I have become, but that is TMI already, so there:
1. I do not have memories of my grandmothers, even if only one of them died before I was born. I have stories about them, but that is not the same thing. But I do have many stories, even if I have very little idea what kind of persons my grandmothers were.
2. As I am fond of walking I would take walk, no matter the setting. I would have practical preferences depending on what kind of walk is demanded from me - I would not choose sandy beach or deep snow if the walk has to be fast. In fact, in my current health I would choose a long corridor, with no windows and cement floor, in case of a long brisk walk.
3. I have not been happy last month. Interestingly enough, as I thought about cheating and listing the least unhappy item, I found out I am neither unhappy, just constantly level reluctance and tiredness with everything.
4. As I cannot feel feel happy I could take anything you describe with no difference. Interestingly enough I would consider sleeping thorough the morning cheating, an attempt to escape unhappiness of being alive by hiding in limbo of dreams. And I feel judgmental toward people attempting to hide in the limbo, so I would not consider it allowed to call getting thorough morning asleep as happiness: cheating is cheating, not happiness!
5. Depends on time and how you feel. My preferred way is a walk , but the destination would depend on the weather, time of day and so on. Something that will disappear very soon - the last bits of the Russian factory settlements as they were historically built can be seen in Kopli district might be the favourite. Or the statue of Kalevipoeg built by a local manor owner Glehn (the same on who started the district I live in by selling plots from his land for summer houses for people from Tallinn)- being a German Gelhn built his statue wearing an animal hide with horns and then the poor German landlord used to get mad at the locals who called his handiwork "Glehn's Devil". Yet, if I could offer you anything, then it would be either mushroom hunting or visit to a peat bog - non-Tallinn items, I know, but Tallinn is not my hometown even if I have been living there for 15 years( and in my hometown Pärnu the best option would be going to the nude ladies beach to go swimming in the sea ...).

Aet

Re: being asked

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I think if someone was going to wake up at noon refreshed and happy with being allowed to sleep late, that would count as a happy morning even if it wasn't an active one. But it doesn't sound like that's what you're talking about. I'm sorry. I hope you find some way to be happier soon, at least some of the time.

I have never been to a peat bog.

[gaaldine.livejournal.com]

I owe you an email, but I'll try this, 'cause I think we may need to right now.

If you'd like, ask me five questions. If you'd rather not, just let me know, please.

Thanks.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

1. If you could still be an English lit grad student but had to have some other area of specialization, what would it be? (Or at least what are the top contenders, as I imagine there's more than one era/area you could dig into.)
2. What do you miss most about living in Maine?
3. What's the earliest "favorite book" you remember?
4. You have a magic box. When you tell it an error, that error will never show up in any paper you have to grade ever ever ever again. You can only do this once. What's the error? (Can be anything from grammar to logic to common misinterpretations of favorite -- or even less-favorite -- works.)
5. Do you remember when you first though, "Oh, wow, I'm really a grown-up now"? If so, were you right when you thought so?

[mkille.livejournal.com]

1. Due to Undefined Cosmic Circumstances, you must entertain either Pat Robertson or Pope Benedict XVI as a dinner guest. Whom do you choose, and what do you serve him?

2. Due to yet more Undefined Cosmic Circumstances, you must dispose of all the clothes you own except for five items. What five items do you keep?

3. Do you think ocean-sloshing-on-shore sounds different from lake-sloshing-on-shore?

4. You can pick any one item from Car Talk's "Shameless Commerce Division" (at www.cartalk.com). What do you pick today, and why?

5. I knew a guy named Sami when I was in college who was the first Baha'i I ever met. On a scale of 1 to 10, how shameful is it that the Saami and Baha'is are now forever linked in my mind?

(I'd like to answer five questions from you, if you'd like to ask).

Re: being asked

[(Anonymous)]

Unfortunately this - the feeling that by not being happy I am letting other people down, not living up to their expectations about me, is the main reason behind my current loneliness.

Sometimes it makes me angry, that nobody agrees to accept me as I am, that everyone wants to know only an happy person. That while it is not OK to say "I hope you will lose some weight soon!" it is still allowed to be critical of emotions of fellow humans.

But then I do understand that not having any friends is punishment for being public about unhappiness. As persons who refuse to be well mannered and keep their unhappiness to themselves have EARNED their solitude, it is only their own fault that nobody wants to know them. People who go public with being unhappy have peobably not earned the right to be among others, may be even they are unworthy of being alive.

Aet

Re: being asked

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I think my friendslist is clear enough demonstration that not everyone who is public about unhappiness is cast out by their friends, and that not everyone sees it as a right to be earned, at least in that regard.

I also think that a major difference between weight commentary and depression commentary is that you can say of someone, "He/she is happy at his/her current weight, regardless of what I think of it," but it's self-contradictory to say, "He/she is happy being unhappy."

Further, depression may cause or contribute to emotions, but I don't think it's the same thing to not feel happy as to feel incapable of being happy.

Re: being asked

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for truthfully pointing out to me that I am attempting to cheat, to feel hopeful again in hopeless situation (and that slipping into denial part is most disgusting about myself).

Yes, it is true that I would like to soothe myself with : "Everyone has left me alone only because I am such a wet rag currently, always looking sick and tired and never radiating joy. It will change as soon as I would change." But, as you helpfully pointed out, a good person is not cast out by their friends, so it just shows I am unworthy as a person and attempting to soothe myself with hopes for changes as soon as I fix just one point is denial. Thank you for your comment, as the downside of solitude is that there is generally no one to comment and give feedback to my ideas about world and myself, and the ideas developing with no outside feedback easily tend to slip into denial and un-rational hopes.
Aet

Re: being asked

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Now you really are cheating. Did I say anything about who is a good person and who isn't? No. So stop putting words in my mouth. Whether or not you are a good person, that is an unacceptable thing to do.

If you don't want to try to get help for depression, that's your choice, but don't tell me I'm the one responsible for you being hopeless, because that is not in any way okay.

Re: being asked

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, it is not depression, as the doctors I have visited explained to me. The dampened mood and wish to be dead is an average part of approaching menopause for many women, the professionals have told me. Generations of women have gone thorough that and I did get scolded by the doctors for taking their time up that they could use for people actually physically sick.

So, if it looked like I blame you for telling something you did not, I am sorry.

Aet

Re: PS

[(Anonymous)]

What made you think that I have not sought medical help? It surprises me that more than one person has assumed this, so I would like to know what brings on such an assumption.

Re: PS

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Because no competent doctor would say what your doctor said. Seriously, that is not medical treatment, it's malpractice.

Re: PS

[(Anonymous)]

But the doctor in case used exactly the same kind of arguments you and others do to dismantle my mistaken fear of being depressed:
- she pointed out that when a depressed person lacks motivation, I had successfully run the gauntlet of paperwork necessary to get an appointment. She explained that a person who is able to get out of bed most of days, exercises* and washes and feeds herself nearly every day (I confess I lied, but it IS really hard to confess finding a shower such an hard task for weeks in row), is NOT depressed. She did ask about any actual steps or plans to kill myself, and as I did not have any, she pointed out how daydreams do not count, no matter are they about lottery wins, fame and success or about of the freedom of not existing. They are still just daydreams. Just like more than one of your friends, she also pointed out that people like me, who have hard time to reorganize their lives to suit their current health and age and then talk the name of depression in vain, are to blame for the people with real depression having hard time to get their problem respected.

*I did tell that only pure fear of the pain and discomfort that comes when I stop exercising makes me to act. She told a depressed person would not be able to think about something that would happen in future or to feel fear.

Aet

Re: PS

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Do you see that this doctor has set things up so that nobody who can seek treatment will be able to get treatment? It's a catch-22.

Aet, you have just said that it is hard to confess finding a shower such a hard task and you lied to the doctor. The doctor does not have full information. In turn, the doctor belittled things she should not have taken lightly. (When Dr. porphyrin is not swamped with boards, I will call her in for backup here.) Taking the diagnosis as accurate or as any indication of how moral or immoral you personally are, is a bad, bad idea.

Re: PS

[(Anonymous)]

"Do you see that this doctor has set things up so that nobody who can seek treatment will be able to get treatment?"

I am sorry, the mistake is mine. Anyone smarter than me would have thought about your health care system being different and explained better.

Over here to visit a specialist a patient should have referral letter from the district doctor. So, when I needed my sinuses scanned the doctor not only referred me, she called the laboratory and found free time slot. But the district doctor disagreed with me about my need to see a mental specialist, she thought pulmonologist was enough. Hence I had to seek the doctor out without the referral - a much trickier and more expensive process. That is what the doctor meant - that having enough energy to disagree with the district doctor, to seek out the doctor who also takes un referred patients, to negotiate an open time slot - a sick person referred by the district doctor would not have the need to do any of those things.

Unfortunately I do take the diagnosis of not one but two professionals as accurate (after all, that was what people who used to be my friends told me before giving me up: "Seek professional help!" And to seek professional help only to brush it away as un relevant would be cheating)... and as a moral judgement on my person. I think it shows me as someone feeling entitled to have her character faults filed away as legitimate mental problems, as a get out of jail free card. This makes me disgusted with myself.

Aet

Re: PS

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

It's not cheating to ignore doctors who 1) do not have all the data because, by your own admission, you lied to them, and 2) say things that are known to be false in general. It is simply not true that the average woman starts thinking of killing herself during menopause. And again, even if it was true, it is still a serious enough medical condition to require treatment.

Instead of giving you the medical attention you needed, the doctors you saw have reinforced your depression and feelings of worthlessness. They are the disgusting ones, not you.

I don't expect that you're going to agree with me on this, but I don't feel I can leave it unsaid anyway.