Squirm?

[mrissa]

[Poll #1168961]

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

I clickied a bunch of clickies, but would like to double-click "those you have heard too many times before[ from that person]" and "effusive." That is, compliments are good, and nice to hear, and I'm happy to receive them if I can say, "Thank you," and then we can move promptly along to another topic. It's dwelling that really makes me uncomfortable.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Ahh! So if twenty different people who have not overheard each other say, "My, what a lovely elbow you have, buymeaclue!", then this is much less uncomfortable than if the same person keeps bringing up the charms of your elbow, and/or won't drop them once brought up? This makes sense to me, if I've got it right.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Yes. Or at least, differently uncomfortable. In the former case, I'd start to wonder after the second or third person if it was some sort of joke I wasn't in on, but I wouldn't be sitting there wishing they'd just drop it already.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

Well, well, well I am obviously a lot more Midwestern than snurri would claim. It appears that the best bet for anyone is to never compliment me for anything.

Never affirm me, either. But that's just because it's annoying.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, I picked the elbow as an example that was unlikely to be the actual case; I think it'd sound less jokey if it was, "I really like your posts about riding," or some such.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

You mean you _don't_ think I have a lovely elbow? SNIFF! And also SOB!

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

You are absolutely right to feel that way, and I like the way you asserted your feelings and opinions there. What a generally good comment-writer you are.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

You have mostly been cruelly hiding your elbows from my gaze. And you have almost no elbow-based icons. So how can your admirers properly admire the glory that is your elbow? It is a sad life we lead.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Eek! Two sentences too many! SNIFF. And also SOB.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

...I was going to do that, but then I thought, "Maybe that would be too mean."

I'll know for next time, though. *g*

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

In college, the standard dinner-table exchange was, "You guys, that's really mean." "Yeah, but it's funny." "...well, yeah."

[atdt1991.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much okay with all sorts of compliments, so long as they are, to some extent, true.

However, that does depend on the person. Some people just have a way of making you feel uncomfortable, and honestly I take compliments from strangers better than from people who just do it awkwardly or make a big deal out of it.

Being complimentary isn't just about the person being complimented. It's also about the person complimenting, and is a sort of ritual amongst people, as well. I try to remember that, and have some sympathy for the way the complimenter is, I guess, extending themselves a little.

Alternately, I am -very- careful with the way in which I compliment people.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

You are both extremely bad people.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you were not adequately forewarned of this.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yah, I think sympathy for people of goodwill who are attempting to be nice is good when I can manage it. I can't always manage it, though; some people are really bad at compliments, and some compliments are really alarming.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right. You're so perceptive to have noticed that about us.

(How's that, Mris?)

[atdt1991.livejournal.com]

I think the phrase "people of goodwill who are attempting to be nice" really does cover it all.

The creepiest are people who can't make a compliment without implying other things. True, sometimes this has more to do with our own perceptions or baggage/history.

That said, it's just about impossible to get away with "You've got great boobs!" without it coming off as "Could we screw on the floor right now? Please?"

Well, at least as a guy. *smiles* It doesn't matter how outspokenly bisexual a girl is, it seems to me, it's pretty much always creepier from a guy.

As yet another exception, though, one of my groups of friends has a girl who is constantly 'pushing her open relationship' on people, and every compliment from her feels like a gross attempt (in both senses) to pull you into bed.

Do you find that the gender of the person makes a difference between a compliment does or doesn't cross the line?

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Any complaint ever directed at me tends to illicit discomfort in me. I'm generally good at hiding it, and am socialized well enough (if I learned nothing from grandparents, it was to be polite) that I can graciously accept it from the person who is sincere in that compliment at that moment.

But the hard truth is, there is something deep in me that is quite sure I nevereverevernever deserve to be complimented about anything, that I am not worth being compliment, no matter the situation. Ever.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

I don't need to tickybox: I'm English. All compliments are unbearable, all the time, for ever.

The art of accepting compliments gracefully is not taught in this country; I have no idea where to begin. My default position is to interrupt as soon as I know it's coming, and so awkwardly deflect the conversation somewhere else. Usually into the bumpers.

Which is not to say that I don't like praise; I'm a writer, I crave it. Just, not in person! On the internets I can toss a practised "Aw, shucks" around, perhaps "I'm glad you liked it", and that's that. Meanwhile, I huggle the praise to myself and live off it for weeks. But in the too too solid flesh? I want to melt, and can't.

[ckd]

Do you find that the gender of the person makes a difference between a compliment does or doesn't cross the line?

I don't know if others perceive it that way, but as a guy I am sensitive (perhaps overly so, but I think the error of omission is a safer path) to the issue and will therefore not express a compliment that I think might be taken badly because of the gender combination involved.

Actual example: I was at a con, and noticed that a woman I know (as a friendly acquaintance that I see at conventions every so often) had a new (and IMO attractive) haircut. However, I didn't say anything because I was concerned that it'd come across badly; I could imagine her reacting along the lines of "Why did he even notice a difference? Why did he compliment it? Is he being Creepy McStalkerpants?"

[kizmet-42.livejournal.com]

I'm hypertypically Midwestern - all compliments are acceptable because I don't want to embarrass those who have given them.

Whether I believe them or not is entirely another matter.

[eposia.livejournal.com]

I really rarely suffer from embarrassment, and I'm mostly in agreement with atdt1991's comment. Most compliments don't bother me; I usually try to consider the thoughts and feelings of the person giving the compliment when considering such issues; and sometimes you get a creepy vibe even with surface pleasantness that I tend to intuitively trust when I notice such a feeling. Not that I lock into my first perceptions--but I will look more closely at, and usually take longer to warm up to, people around whom I get uncomfortable vibes. I've noticed that awkwardness in communication often triggers such feelings for me.

Interesting poll, thanks for the weighty thoughts first thing in the morning! Good way to start my day.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

Just speaking for myself, I have rarely encountered anyone who could make a compliment of my hair sound creepy or pervy. Not never, but it takes work. Certainly, I always enjoy a quick, "Great haircut!" especially if I happen to be very pleased with it myself.

Less useful are the ones that go, "You cut your hair." Yes, and? Love it? Hate it? Proving that you noticed?

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

Oh, but if you're English, surely you could lapse into charming self-deprecation? That seems like a peculiarly English form of deflection, and somehow generally doesn't come out pathetic or self-pitying, as it can when an American does it.

[bradipo.livejournal.com]

I've found compliments have gotten easier to handle as I've gotten older. I can now handle almost anything intended as a compliment with a simple "Thank you!"

The only things that are still hard are:

1) Compliments that are repeated or expanded upon after I've said "Thank you," leaving me in the position of having to say, "Wow! Really? Thanks again!" (And after that, I'm really pretty much stuck just smiling bashfully as best I can in the face of further repetitions.)

2) Compliments that are make me out to be something I really despise. (This actually happens very rarely (at least, to me), but I've had racist and sexist comments phrased in the form of a compliment to me, which is upsetting.)

As a youth I often worried that compliments were intended in a mocking fashion, but that never bugs me any more. Perhaps because the sort of people I associate with are less likely to do so, but also because I've found it very effective to treat the mockingly-intended compliments as if sincere.