Bits

[mrissa]

I was in Hallmark this afternoon, as part of the list of everything in the world I needed to do between noon and 3:30 today, and I had to pick up a card to mark the arrival of the wee Benjamin into the world. He's the new son of some of our college friends, and so I was looking through cards, and...do they all have to be so gendered? WHY? Seriously, there was no way to get a card at this store that was clearly for a new baby and not clearly for either a boy or a girl. I couldn't have gotten ambiguous about it, not even by picking a pink card and writing his name on it anyway. They all said "BOY" or "GIRL."

On the one hand, okay, about the only thing we know about the sprout just now is what bits he's got. But on the other hand, does it really matter to me in the slightest that this baby has boy bits? Would I welcome him differently if he had girl bits? I'd probably be less careful of changing his diaper, but as he lives in DC and I live in Minnesota, this is unlikely to be an issue. And otherwise no. It tells me nothing about his future personality, about what he can expect from life or what he'll come to want. So what would be wrong with a card saying, "Welcome, little one"?

I know, crunchy hippie freaks who think things like that aren't supposed to buy Hallmark cards in the first place. Sigh.

Comments

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

"Would I welcome him differently if he had girl bits?"

Methinks you're forgetting that the baby can't read yet. You're not welcoming the baby; you're congratulating the parents. And the parents know very well whether it's a boy or a girl. You're right; it's basically the only fact they do know about the baby. And it's an important one.

B

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

No, I'm not forgetting. First, many of the people we know save that kind of card in a baby book, so even if he isn't reading it now, he may well come upon it later and see who had what thoughts for him on his arrival.

But second -- and more important -- I don't think my friends, his parents, are welcoming him differently because he's a boy, either. I really don't think they'd be disappointed to get a card that made no reference whatsoever to his genitalia. I don't think they're going to grab his sister's dolls away from him and make sure she doesn't try to play with his trucks, in the next few years, especially because she already has both dolls and trucks herself. They'll introduce him to the world in the same ways as they've introduced her, except with an older sib to help and hinder and change things, and I think when he shows different interests and personality traits than she does, they'll be able to remember that most of that is the difference between Elena and Ben rather than the difference between Girls and Boys.

I don't propose that we call him "it" until puberty or pretend that he has no sex, but a large number of the cards available made coy reference to the kid's penis. And I really doubt that my interactions with this little person will ever, ever center around that part of his anatomy. Another large group was gender-exclusive: "Little boys are the sweetest thing on earth" or "Little girls are the sweetest thing on earth." (Thank heavens, apparently, that the parents were not stuck with the suboptimally-sweet other flavor of baby -- in either case.) The third major group was the "snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails" category, the "baby boys in their first week of life already love sports, cars, getting dirty, and otherwise living up to gender stereotypes" cards, with the baby girl counterparts doing their "sugar and spice" duty.

What could possibly be important about the card I send saying, "One baby boy fills the world with sunshine" instead of "One baby fills the world with sunshine"? (I should stop thinking about it, actually, because now either wording sounds kind of weird, and I have the urge to rewrite the card, which was the only tolerable one I found.)

[(Anonymous)]

Mmmm . . . No. It's not an important one. It is a socially constructed one, yes, and segments of society may believe that it is important, but it, in its own essential-ness, is not important. Knowing the wee Benjamin's parents, too, I can assure you that they don't think it is important (we've in fact had multiple discussions about gender).

--Michelle

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how far I'm willing to sign on for a general unimportance. My cramps, for example, are neither socially constructed nor trivial to me nor independent of my sex. But neither are they shared by all members of my sex; certainly not by a vast majority of female infants. And the ways in which Ben's sex might become important to him in the future are pretty much totally unknown to us right now.

[(Anonymous)]

The idea of importance is often constrained by the moment -- what is important at one moment mayn't be the next, and the opposite is certainly true as well.

Besides, I'm not willing to buy the idea that cramps make one's sex important. That is just too depressing a thought -- surely there must be something better to make such a thing important. *grin*

--Michelle

[palinade.livejournal.com]

I totally agree, which is one of the reasons I make my own cards.

Baby stuff, kid stuff in general makes me twitch. I dress N in blue because I like blue. I wear a lot of blue, too. His room has blue in it. So does mine. When did blue become the "boy" color anyway? Can't girls wear blue? Can't boys wear pink? What made pink the "girl" color? And why is green/yellow considered neutral? And why do baby themes always come in pastels when infants can't see pastels? They see dark and light shades at first, so it's to soothe the parent's jangled nerves?

And if you wanted or needed a card, I have stuff in tons of hues and even some cute baby themed stamps that aren't necessarily boy/girl gendered! Just give me a holler/poke/email next time you need something. :-)

[greatestofnates.livejournal.com]

How would parents feel getting all those gender cards if their child was a hermaphrodite? Hallmark is great and all, but I bet they only have space to stock one or maybe two versions for dual-gendered babies. Wouldn't it suck to get 40 cards that were all the exactly the same? Maybe you could staple a BOY card and a GIRL card together?

[songwind.livejournal.com]

When greeting cards start to piss me off, I go looking for the blank ones and just write the whole thing myself. :)

[ellarien]

I remember being vaguely bothered when my first nephew was born and I could only find 'boy' or 'girl' cards. I think I concluded at the time that this was just one of those family things that I as a single person didn't quite grok, but your annoyance strikes a chord. In general, I'm very grateful for the existence of blank cards with nice pictures, particularly since it now seems to be impossible to find even an unembellished 'Happy Birthday' card.

Intersex

[oursin.livejournal.com]

To avoid this social difficulty (among other things) I have heard that it is the practice to 'tidy up' any anomalous baby genitalia, prior to discharging them from hospital (a purely cosmetic intervention, given that other manifestations are likely to appear at later stages of development). Now being protested, but I'll bet it's still fairly widespread.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

I know, crunchy hippie freaks who think things like that aren't supposed to buy Hallmark cards in the first place. Sigh.

Yes, but the ones that we would like to buy from Whole Foods are so much more expensive...

I'm a blank-card-writer, too. I made the mistake of entering a Hallmark store to try to find something for my mom for Valentine's day. Between the scented-candle smell and the sentiments on most of the Mom-Valentines, I nearly gagged.

[mkille.livejournal.com]

That was going to be my suggestion too. I've done that before.


The other category of cards that bugs me are sympathy cards. Just try to find a card that says "I know you weren't so fond of them, but dealing with them dying is hard, and I'm sorry."

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

palinade, for example.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, sure, I'm heterosexual and enjoy some activities that could not be performed without the requisite sets of bits. But as I said in the second sauna post, I don't really talk about that on lj!

And true, my cramps are less important today than they were, say, Monday. But I think they still color my notions of things like how pain works, never mind my notion of how much laundry remains to be done today!

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have it on my list to poke you next week about a set of notecards.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Hallmark actually anticipated what I had been doing and put out a card reading, "Please accept this fine collection of dog photos with my compliments." Which is roughly what I'd been writing on several birthday cards.

[wilfulcait.livejournal.com]

"I know life has been miserable recently, and both of you were looking forward to the end of her pain, and I'm sorry that you have to feel guilty for feeling relieved in the midst of your grief."

Yeah, they don't do so well with the hard stuff.

Trying not to nitpick

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

Can't boys wear pink?

No, boys can't wear pink. I'm not convinced that girls can wear pink, but I know boys cannot.

[seagrit.livejournal.com]

There were no Hallmark "Fresh Ink" cards that worked? I usually head straight for those (if I'm not shopping for cards at Meijer) since they are always fun, and usually simple and straight to the point. I haven't had to shop for many new baby cards though, so they might very well be lacking in that area.

(My favorite fresh ink card is the one with a black and white picture on the front of a bity little kitten in a flowerpot. Inside says "For your birthday, I grew you a cat!")

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I didn't find any "Fresh Ink" baby cards, but different Hallmark stores stock things differently; there might be some out there somewhere.

I'm not going to say what my current favorite is on that front, because I got it for mmerriam's birthday party. Although I like several of the Fresh Ink cards in general.

Re: Trying not to nitpick

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

Actually, I have several male attendings who wear pink dress shirts to work on a regular basis.

I think they look pretty damn good.

Their wives think they look pretty damn good too.

Re: Intersex

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's not.

At least, not in my experience in Columbus (n=6 hospitals) or here (n=6 hospitals).

So that's an n of 12, most of which are tertiary care centers.

Take that for what it's worth. And email me if you want anecdata.

Re: Trying not to nitpick

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

Really!?!?

I mean, never say never, but I can certainly say that I've never witnessed such a thing.

Re: Intersex

[oursin.livejournal.com]

I was going on a presentation I heard some years ago:
it might have been addressing a situation which had existed but which was becoming less prevalent even at the time