Open letters to obnoxious drivers on I80 and I35

[mrissa]

Dear Sirs:

I am rather small, rather femmey, and decidedly female. I drive a little white Saturn. For some of the drive when you were behaving most obnoxiously, I was singing along with Liz Phair tunes in my soft folky alto.

I submit to you, therefore, that I have entirely conceded any contest of manliness, and that you may consider yourselves the victors and go home in the warm fuzzy glow of your manliness without revving the engines of your pickup trucks at me, exceeding the speed limit by 20 mph or more, or attempting to simulate humping my bumper with your bumper. I will believe in your prowess without demonstrations. You win, I lose, okay? Now go home and give yourself and the pickup both cold showers if that's what it takes.

M

Dear Madame:

I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was imperative for you to go over 80 mph with your small children bouncing around the backseat. I thought that 75 would do for less than half a mile while I passed the gentleman in the Winnebago. Please accept my apologies for detaining you for those 20 extremely crucial seconds, and I hope your throat is not sore from all the yelling.

M

Dear Fish-Bumper Christians:

You know that bumper sticker that says, "Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're a jerk"? Yah. That.

If you're going to advertise Christ on your chrome, for His sake please stop cutting me off at 75 mph with 2 inches to spare. As much as you want me to know that you love Him, please schedule face-to-face meetings with Him on your own time and let me do the same.

M

Dear pigs:

I know it's not your fault, and you would probably prefer not to be taken to slaughter if you could express a preference. Still: you stink. You make me ill. In both cases literally. Get off the road.

M

Dear Omahan:

"Freedom through military victory" has to be one of the scariest bumper stickers I have ever seen in my life. You know the song? Really, all I am saying is give peace a chance. Not indefinitely, necessarily. Just...y'know...as maybe a first option? "Freedom through political and economic measures and only military victory if necessary," maybe? "Freedom through working out sensible alternatives together whenever possible"? I realize that I am a long-haired hippie weirdo-freak* for mentioning this, but dead people are not notoriously free, so maybe something else for a starter might be nice.

M

*Singin' Writin' Weirdo-Freak, actually.

Comments

[zalena.livejournal.com]

Very funny. There's a woman I see on my commute almost every morning, who habitually cuts me off. Road rage usually assumes you see a person only once; but what happens when you see them every day?

Recently I saw a bumper sticker that "Heretics for Christ." I would never put that sticker on my car, but I thought it was a great phrase to describe my own take on faith.

Recently I've noticed cars with lots of fish on them. It took me a year to figure out that the school of fish represents the whole family. A mommy and daddy fish, with little fish for each of their children. Weird.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I would never put that sticker on my car, but I thought it was a great phrase to describe my own take on faith.

I like that very much. I have occasionaly described myself as "devout but not orthodox."

On the drive down, 75% of the people who behaved badly had fish on their cars. I haven't read Leviticus through in years, but I'm almost certain it doesn't contain a prohibition on turn signals.

[copperwise.livejournal.com]

We've noticed that too.

I saw one the other day that looked like a little octopus eating a fish...til I realized it was Chthulu eating the fish...

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I've seen the Darwin fish eating the Jesus fish and the Jesus fish eating the Darwin fish. What I would really like is the Darwin fish and the Jesus fish kissing. Like on my Gran's bathroom wall, only with Jesus and Darwin.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

I have been saying this to friends for years - that I was going to get one of each and have them smooching on the back of my car.

I haven't done it yet, but that's mostly due to laziness and a chronic shortage of spare funds to buy the little guys.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I've never quite understood that. I mean, if the Jesus fish eats the Darwin fish, then isn't that still survival of the fittest, so doesn't Darwin still win? (A Pyrrhic victory, admittedly.)

[genevra.livejournal.com]

I do find it quite ironic that the Jesus fish are evolving.

[oursin.livejournal.com]

dead people are not notoriously free

Oh, I don't know - if 'Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose', who freer than the deceased?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, yah, you do have to choose another political philosopher than Kris Kristofferson to make it work.

[timprov.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid you're going to have to liberate that driver.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

"Liberate? You mean...liquidate?"

[ladysea.livejournal.com]

hehe.

Oh...the joys of taking a road trip.

Glad you are back!

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm glad we're back, too! Of course, we're leaving again Friday morning (plane, not road trip). But we're getting back again that Sundy night, so it's just a month for quick trips.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

"Freedom through working out sensible alternatives"
That's the bumper sticker I want!

Much of your post would go very nicely on the Dot_cattiness LJ page. Have you seen it?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I don't do much with lj communities, so no, I haven't seen it.