Minnesota Primer: "How Are You?"

[mrissa]

Good morning, kids! It's time for another lesson in Speaking Minnesotan. Today we're going to talk about "How are you?" and related questions.

"How goes it?" is the easy one. Until we talked about it last week, I thought there was only one answer, and that was, "It goes." timprov says you actually can go out on a limb and say "well" or "poorly." But for the most part, this is your Minnesotan phrase book: "How goes it?" "It goes." Intonation can matter here, but it doesn't have to, really. This is the conversational equivalent of pinging the other person.

(This is slightly different if there is a specific "it" in question -- if you are at work and the boss has given you a project specifically for today, if you are out in the yard digging up a dead bush, if you are fixing a friend's computer, etc. Then you are being asked for a project appraisal: it goes slowly, it goes quickly, I cut off your phone line with the shovel, your hard drive is a total loss, etc.)

"How are you?" or "How're you doing?" is a little different. It invites a short answer. Now, if you go over to a friend's house and plunk yourself down on the couch, and your friend says, "So. How are you?", you are perfectly well justified in saying, "Oh, work is driving me nuts and I think I have a wisdom tooth coming in crooked, but we're going over to the St. Croix to stay in a bed and breakfast in a couple of weekends when the leaves are turning" and blah blah blah. It is the start to the sort of conversation you would usually have with your friend. You can talk for hours upon hours with friends, embroidering on the theme of how you mutually have been in various areas of your life. How have you been? Frustrated with the people in power in Louisiana. Enjoying the book you got from the library last week. Tired. Excited as a little kid about fall coming. Thrilled with your fresh garden tomatoes. On and on it can go: how you are is complicated and important. Your time with friends is much different, and you figure out with your friends what you like to talk about, over hours of conversation.

This is not the case with supermarket personnel. In fact, anyone whose name you only know because it's on a button on their shirt is not seeking that level of information. Anyone who only knows your name because they read it on your credit card does not want to start half an hour worth of conversation. Anyone with whom your main point in common is that you both went to the DMV over your lunch hour is unlikely to become your best friend. Many non-Minnesotans, upon finding out that casual acquaintances don't really want to hear the details, cry, "Why did they ask, if they don't really care how I'm doing?" But this is not the case. They do really care how you're doing. They just don't really want all the details.

Consider a case where your favorite aunt has just had surgery. There was a cancerous mass in her colon, and now there isn't, and she's recovering beautifully. No one would claim that you didn't care about your aunt if you didn't want to watch a video of the surgery. You can hit the high spots: did it go generally well, how is auntie feeling now, how long will she be in the hospital, how long will she be recovering after that. You do not need to see her exposed intestines in order to care about her well-being. People you don't know are like that; don't tell them how may units of blood auntie had to have replaced.

Your basic answers to "how are you?" questions from strangers and casual acquaintances are as follows:
Can't complain
Could be worse
Gettin' by
Could be better.

To calibrate for you, how am I lately? I am gettin' by. Last spring when markgritter's grandmother died, I could have been better. Earlier this year when alpha readers actually liked Thermionic Night, I could have been worse. And should someone buy one of my books, I will find myself unable to complain that day. You will never have committed a social gaffe in answering one of those four things. (Okay, this is not true. If you are getting your hair done for your wedding and the hairstylist asks how you're doing, if the answer is "could be better," your spouse-to-be probably shouldn't hear it. But mostly you're safe.)

This is not hiding information. It is a somewhat different mode of communication than exists in some other places, but it is communication. Other Minnesota natives do not hear me say, "Gettin' by" and think, "She is doing pretty well. She must be having a good day."

I have a bagger at Byerly's who is "my" bagger -- I always go to his line if I have a reasonable choice, and if I don't go through his line when he's there, he makes sure to tell me to have a good day as I pass him on my way out. This is an older gent who took this job to supplement his retirement money and get out around people some days a week. He approves of my habit of bringing a book in my purse to read, and we've talked about some of those books a bit in passing. So if he asks how I'm doing, and I say I'm gettin' by, he will look a little concerned, and he will go out of his way to make sure my frozen foods are in little bags not to melt all over and my berries have little rubber bands keeping the plastic containers shut. He will do everything within his limits as my supermarket bagger to make my day a little easier. But he is not my best friend or my doctor or my shrink or my clergybeing. He is my supermarket bagger. If I start telling him about hemoglobin levels and MRIs, 1) we will hold up the entire line, and 2) we will be there all day, and 3) he won't be able to do a damn thing about it. If I tell him I'm merely "gettin' by," he will be concerned and hope I'm doing better soon. Which is all, really, one could ask of a supermarket bagger, and possibly more than one could reasonably expect.

(This is not because he is the store employee and I'm the customer. If I ask him -- which I do -- and he's "gettin' by," I'm also concerned, and there is still very little I can do about any genuine problems he has. It's symmetric that way.)

Those four answers are guaranteed safe answers. You don't have to sick to the safe ones. ladysea was saying that sometimes when she's out with all four kids and people ask that, she laughs kind of incredulously. This is a perfectly reasonable response, although it might lead the listener to suppose that the kids were capable of being a handful, which we all know is not true in this case. You can say something like, "Oh, your raspberries are gorgeous! I was going to make a cobbler, but I'm not sure I'll be able to keep from just eating them straight." This is part of how you're doing. Yes, only a part, but it's a part that makes for a short, pleasant conversation. You want to be able to wrap this up when your groceries are all ready to go. If you say, "I don't know how my siblings and I are going to convince Mom that she needs extra nursing care," that's a conversation that really deserves more than five minutes in the checkout line, more context, more nuance. It may be the main thing on your mind, but nobody has a quick answer for that, or if they do ("Break her leg! then she'll have to accept nursing care"), it's facetious and probably not helpful.

Sure, genuine friendships have started from that sort of casual conversation. My cousin married a waiter from the restaurant where her family celebrated her college graduation: "What are you celebrating tonight?" "I graduated college this weekend!" "Really? Me, too! What was your major?" "Elementary ed." "Really? Me, too! Do you have a job lined up?" "Yep, in Eden Prairie." "Really? Me, too!" And it went from there. But for the most part, this type of conversation makes the short time you are getting your meal, or standing in line at the post office with nothing to read, or in any casual social situation, pass more quickly. And that's what it's there for. It's not for the unburdening of souls. It's not for creative solutions to serious problems. It's just to smooth social edges.

(This is not the case for taciturn Minnesota introverts. Having to hear about raspberries can make some people want to go screaming bear shirt. Mostly the rest of us have learned to spot their gruff responses and not push the issue. You may join their ranks if you like. Cultivate monosyllables, and the rest of us will leave you alone and not tell you about our tomato garden.)

(On the other end of the scale is the Overcompensating Minnesotan.* The OM is always doing, "fanTAStic!", under the delusions that this will brighten other people's day.)

As for responding to other people's use of the four safe phrases, a pleased, "Good!" or "Good deal!" or "Well, hey!" is always appropriate in response to "could be worse" or "can't complain." A sympathetic, "Some days that's all you can do" is an appropriate answer to "gettin' by." "Could be better" gets a "sorry to hear that" or the like, and when you part company, "Hope things look up soon" or something like that.

What you're aiming at is pleasantness that's quick and doesn't demand that your listener fix things they have no control over.

More on the Overcompensating Minnesotan: I know several of this person, most of them female. They have heard from people from different cultures that Minnesotans are too stand-offish, and they want to fix it. But they don't actually speak those languages as natives. They squeeze people too long and too tight, which I define as "after the person in question has started squirming and trying to pull away." They end up overusing -- without sarcasm -- words like "fanTAStic" and "FABulous." They do not merely like anything, they always love it. Even if you haven't specified what it is yet. "Do you want something to drink?" "Love it." You don't know if you love it! What if my only options are antifreeze and fermented lemonade? Wait until you see what we have before you go loving it! It might not be fanTAStic!

And my current pet peeve from OMs: they overuse the phrase "there's nothing worse than." Just last week I read in the Strib that a woman had said to a Strib reporter, "There's nothing worse than overcrowded classrooms." I shouted, "Dysentery!" at the paper in tones of great cheer. Last week of all weeks: nothing worse than overcrowded classrooms? Come on, lady! One OM of my acquaintance has listed at least twenty health concerns than which there is nothing worse. I hope she's right, because two of them were anemia and wisdom tooth pain, and I got or am getting through those more or less all right (y'know, gettin' by, pretty much could be worse on those fronts), so if that's the worst life has to offer, hey, great! Somehow I'm skeptical, though.

But as I said, when a friend asks you, it's different, because you're not trying to be efficient and pleasant, you're trying to actually converse with your friend. So: how are you?

Comments

[kendwoods.livejournal.com]

Could be worse.

:-D

screaming bear shirt

I get it from context, but I'm curious as to the etymology of that particular phrase.

[stillsostrange.livejournal.com]

I believe that is the reverse etymology of berserk, or berserkr. From the Old Norse bjorn and serkr. Bear shirt. :)

Err. I appear to have dripped some pedantry on Mrissa's journal. *mops*

[greykev.livejournal.com]

I am well, at the moment. I meet with a bank being later today, and have a performance review afterwards (with my boss, not with the bank being) so there's potential for 'well' to change. I don't anticipate it though.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Excellent primer!

My favorite responses to 'How are you?' from relative strangers include 'Every which way' and 'It's a roller-coaster ride.' This indicates lots of things going on: some good, some bad, some indifferent or nuanced, (generally the case with me) and I try to deliver it in a tone of mild amusement at the vagaries of Life. It's also an opening for further explanation if the situation allows for longer conversations.

Another favorite, in grocery check-out lines for instance, is the weather, which is usually doing something of mild interest, or how slow or busy the store seems today.

[matastas.livejournal.com]

...

Should I *really* be contemplating MSP as a new home town (or, more likely, a town to move away from in 2.7 years, based on my average)? Would I really do well in a land full of uff-das and yah-you-betchas and the complex conversational convenants you describe above?

But for the record, can't complain. :)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

We generally recognize people who are Not From Here and attempt to cut slack if they tell us about, say, their sinuses instead of their sperm count.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Well, I speak "taciturn Minnesota introvert" pretty well, so the primer on "Speaking Minnesotan" is handy in case I ever want to branch. I seems a bit like "Rural Oklahoman" with some slightly different nuances.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Well, I speak "taciturn Minnesota introvert" pretty well, so the primer on "Speaking Minnesotan" is handy in case I ever want to branch. I seems a bit like "Rural Oklahoman" with some slightly different nuances.

Which of course should read "...branch out. It seems..."

I'm going to blame the typos on blindness and too little coffee and go on with my day.

[merriehaskell.livejournal.com]

I'm getting by.

But, I want to know--is there such a thing as a Minnesotan comedy of manners, or are you going to write one, or what?

Also, I think Michigan has too many cultures me to figure out how we do things. The Dutch in GR different rules than, say, the Polish in Hamtramck, for starters... And the country folk I grew up among do things VERY differently than the city folk I live with now.

[jenett]

When I moved out here, friends gave me "How to talk Minnesotan"

Other than instilling in me an unsquashable desire to giggle when we were touring the Lutheran Seminary library for an MLIS class (where the librarian doing the tour had stayed late for us, let us play in their lovely rare book room, etc.etc.) and after part one of the tour, we paused for juice and cookies, I have found it extremely helpful.

I like your examples better, though.

I have mostly learned how to navigate the Minnesotan speak stuff (at least when I pay attention to it, which I try to do with people like supermarket baggers and casual meetings: I get lazy with friends and fall into other verbal patterns.) There are some interesting parallels (but not absolute ones) to Staunch Non-Urban New Englander, but the specifics vary in interesting ways.

[lexiphanic.livejournal.com]

This is the conversational equivalent of pinging the other person.

[laughing hysterically] Must be the result of my geeky husband's influence, but that hit me as REALLY funny. Especially as it's so true. You and Elise will have to get together to write a language course on Minnesotan, Scandasotan, and dialects thereof. Your example of the bagger is exactly perfect.

[fiddledragon]

The construct I was brought up with is similar...

"How're you doing?" generally illicits an "OK" or "doing good" or "fine, how are you?" from me with regards to complete strangers.

The weird thing is that it also comes up with family members and friends - if it's a fly by type greeting....even if they know some details of which things are *not* Ok, good, or fine. And it's not that I'm trying to hide anything from them, but it's more a gauge of how often I might speak with someone (like my Grandmother) vs how well the other person I'm speaking with appears to be doing.

That being said - I'm doing good (really) this morning :) I'm alert, awake, and aware, and this is a Good Thing :) because it means that I can more easily deal with the chronic things that are ungood that I don't like to go into details about unless it's somewhere where I feel private and safe.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yes, chronic ungoodness of various kinds does take energy and alertness. I'm sorry you're having to spend energy and alertness on it lately, though.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

there are some conversational bits that i had to learn all of a piece; my answer to "how are you" or "how are you doing" is "pretty good! how are you (doing)?", and i had to practice until it was reflexive.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

At Gustavus, there were lots of people who thought "Hi, how are you?" was all one word, as was, "Fine! How are you?" Which got to be a problem when it was bitchycold (which really is all one word) and you were walking in opposite directions; the second "How are you" almost never got answered.

[loup_noir]

In the Bay Area (as you probably recall) most of the people flash artifically white teeth and either get interested in their cell phones or mutter something that might be a greeting. In Mendocino, it's the country...kinda sorta and people want to talk. A lot. If you nod a greeting, they want to chitchat; if you say "How are you?" be prepared. While digging a ditch on our private gravel road, a lone bicyclist rode up, stopped and proceeded without any invitation to tell me who he was, his relationships (of every sort) with various folks on the ridge, his health, his views on global warming, etc... My half of the conversation wasn't necessary. I thought that was an isolated instance, but no. Most of the people on this long country road we live on are very, very chatty and have no qualms about telling you intimate details of their lives. It's fascinating and weird at the same time for me.

I think I could go for more of the "How's it going?" "It goes." conversations.

Me? It goes.

[timprov.livejournal.com]

Most of the people on this long country road we live on are very, very chatty and have no qualms about telling you intimate details of their lives.

This was true of our experience in the Bay Area as well. Nor did they have any qualms about expecting us to provide those details of our lives as well. Not a comfortable situation for Minnesotans, as you might imagine.

[columbina.livejournal.com]

I'm movin' to Minnesota.

No, actually, I probably won't, they seem to understand the lesson almost as well in Boston, and I like Boston.

Meanwhile my Southern kin say they can't understand how I can live in Boston because everyone is so "rude" (translation: taciturn unless there is a need not to be, and somewhat prickly) here.

I know how to talk. If I'm around someone where I know it is okay, I'll talk your ears off. But there is a psychological barrier to cross first, and you have to fulfill certain requisites before that becomes okay.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

Bostonians also tend to talk *faster* than Southerners. Some Southerners perceive this as rude.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I can usually determine whether "how are you?" is a greeting or a question. I hate it when a DOCTOR walks in to examine me and says "how are you?" as a greeting. Does he really want to know right now? Usually not, usually he wants to sit down and look at the chart and remember who I am before he really asks how I am. Still, "fine, thanks, and how are you," sometimes seems grossly misleading considering what I want to tell him in the next few minutes. "Could be better" is a useful phrase I will be adopting forthwith.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I did that to my neurologist today. "Gettin' by, how--" And then laughed at myself.

[gaaneden.livejournal.com]

Over all... good. However, in the more immediate, I am irritated/disappointed/mildly resentful of something I found out last night. I'm still stewing over it. Though, most likely, there will be a private post about it later today.

[seagrit.livejournal.com]

Could be worse. :) I got to tell lots of people today about the little-tyke-to-be, so that was fun. Lots of excited reactions and congratulations. And I'm not feeling quite so icky anymore... Plus, I get to see Angela tonight.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEEE!

I mean, yes, I was glad to hear that when you told me.

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Not too bad. (That's another one.) Can't complain. :-)

[ladysea.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

Ok, Thanks. =P

I got to play Mommy-bus this morning. Which I adore. Honestly! No sarcasm. And I have a gig as helping out Bri's teacher this week. I am hoping I can do it tomorrow or Thursday.

Spud woke up way to early and is asleep, so now I finally get to go play with Fire and Glass! WHOOT!

*hugs*

[ladysea.livejournal.com]

Oh...and after laughing hysterically at the asked of "how are you?" I usually just say "Ok Thanks"

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I generally stick to "Fine. You?" or, if I'm further from fine, "Mnyeh. You?"

I think it's in "Life's Little Instruction Book" where the author tells his sone to answer, "Great! Never better!" I never saw the point of that.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Some people think it will cheer themselves up if they feign cheerfulness. For some people it even works.

Other people think it will cheer others up if they feign cheerfulness. That's even less universally applicable.

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

I'm moderately well, how are you?

My favorite "not-really-a-conversation-starter" responses for acquaintances tend to be, "I haven't been told yet", "It's Monday", or "It's not Monday anymore." If I'm trying to think about the answer. For total strangers, the answer is, "Good, how are you?"

The standard response to "How's it going?" seems to be "It's going."

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Sensible courtesy is something I believe in pretty firmly.

This includes knowing when it's not needed/appropriate, but still.

I also believe that many people are not taught how to handle situations they can't intuit how to handle. This is suboptimal. So I try to spell things out for those who need spelling.

[jry.livejournal.com]

I'm scando, but not sotan, yet almost immediately internalized "could be worse" from reading Mohr and listening to Prairie Home Companion back in the eighties. I'm always surprised when people (Seattle area) listening to my answer with half an ear respond with "oh, I'm sorry," as if I'd said "could be better." I actually usually answer with "been worse" or "been better", is that allowable or am I an infidel?

I don't recall ever hearing the "gettin' by" option, which would be sadly handy.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

No, you're not an infidel; those are perfectly acceptable options.

(I hope you don't get this comment three times: Lj is being a pain just now.)

[seajules]

Scandinavian-Americans seem very similar everywhere I've met them (us). I was raised with these same responses by parents from Eastern Oregon.

In San Diego, it usually depends on the age group of the conversationalists, and a bit on ethnicity. Through your mid-thirties, you can get away with, "Howsit?" The answer is always, "Dude," with good or bad connotation carried by inflection. Otherwise it's, "How're you?" as a ping, and "How are you?" if you sincerely want to know. "How're you?" is usually answered non-verbally if you're not doing well, and with a "Not bad" if you're okay or better, to be followed with, "You?"

As you can guess, we are lazy, lazy speakers down here.

[alecaustin.livejournal.com]

I could be worse.

This whole discussion reminds me of my limited knowledge of idiomatic Mandarin, in which "not bad" = "pretty good". (And yes-- not everyone is my friend.)

[elisem.livejournal.com]

I only just now got around to seeing this, and it's ... well, it's not too bad at all, is what I'd say.

*grins at the mrissa*

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I'm going to write about the Minnesota Enthusiastic Non-Evaluative one of these days (e.g. "That's different!"), but I haven't gotten around to it yet.