One more clarification on kiddos

[mrissa]

I do believe all babies should be loved and wanted.

I am a big fan of family planning.

This does not mean, however, that I believe all babies must be loved and planned, or worse, must be planned to be loved and wanted. It's how I hope to do things, if biology doesn't intervene. But I know of at least two families who are actively avoiding planning, and they clearly love and want their children and are doing a beautiful job with them. I am not prepared to condemn this approach out of hand.

Also, wanting your children is a thing I advocate in general, most hours of most days. But if you want to sell your loved, wanted children to any passing Mongol horde some days, this does not make you a bad parent, and it does not make them less loved and wanted.

(Some of you should check with me before contacting the Mongols, however.)

Comments

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

But if you want to sell your loved, wanted children to any passing Mongol horde some days, this does not make you a bad parent, and it does not make them less loved and wanted.

As a parent of 22+ years, my opinion is that if you've been a parent for more than, oh, say, a month and have not wanted to sell your kid to any passing Mongol horde, you probably aren't spending enough time with your kid!

After all, have any of us not had days when we wanted to sell a parent or sibling or partner or roommate to any passing Mongol horde? Parenting is a relationship. This is, I think, where a lot of parents get into trouble: they really don't think of their kids are separate, individual human beings. They think of them as little mirrors reflecting back the parent's self-love, or as adoring pets, or as "the me I wish I were"--any one of myriad things other than separate, individual, unique.

Here's what J and I tell first-time parents: the moment will come when all you can think about becoming a parent is "This is the stupidest thing I ever did!" Don't worry, that's normal. It will pass. It will come again, but it will pass then, too.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I know that some people are encouraged to think that mother-love (in particular, although some of father-love as well) means that they will have a perfect serene love for their offspring at all times, and that any crack in this serenity means that they are a bad, bad person. I think it's one of the many things that the people who are actually the problem never worry about and the people who are far from being the problem tend to worry about too much.

(This is why I never have the "anonymous messages to/from my friendslist" meme: people who are not the problem assume that they are, and people who deserve the compliments assume that they don't. People.)

[ckd]

It has taken me far too long to internalize the lesson that perfection is an unreachable illusion, but still one that should be worked toward. (Naturally, I have internalized this imperfectly.)

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

This is me, checking in with you before finding a horde.

Now that Roo is mobile-onna-bike, he's harder to keep up with than, well, *ever*.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Do not sell to Mongols until we have a chance to outbid them. I will e-mail you.

[cadithial.livejournal.com]

Hmm, he's slightly too large for baby back ribs :P

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

UNCLE cadithial. He is NOT A BABY.

I am quoting, or at least paraphrasing.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

a thing that i tell my friends who are parents (and that i hope they tell me back, once it's my turn) is that you are certainly allowed to fantasize about setting the baby out with the recycling. you can think about should babies go in with the pop cans or in with the newspapers. you can think about all of these things.

good parents don't *do* it, mind you. but they certainly do think about it, some days.

[khriskin]

*laughs* That's the reason I really enjoyed teaching. When they were little angels I got to enjoy them for a day, when they were being Evil(tm) I got to give them back to their parents when they day was done! *grin*

Although... I always got my little cousins to baby-sit when their parents needed a break. Does this mean I'm an honorary Mongol? My mother would be highly amused. ^_~

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

We should form the Society of Honorary Mongols, for cousins/friends/siblings/godparents/etc. who take that role.

[anne-mommy.livejournal.com]

For us, it is part of our religious beliefs not to use artificial birth control. We are actively avoiding at the moment using Natural Family Planning. And while that gives us a great deal of input in when our family will grow, we believe that also allows us to have God be a part of planning our family.

I believe every child should be loved. I didn't plan a couple of my children, but they are still loved. Some people plan or want children for all the wrong reasons, and then don't love them. So, I could get behind the idea of every child being loved.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I think this is like praying "Thy will be done": nothing you can do can stop God from being a part of planning your family (for what I understand of your beliefs about God, of course -- omnipotent, right?), but that this practice makes you mindful of that fact? Do I understand that correctly, or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

[anne-mommy.livejournal.com]

Well, according to our theology, we have an omnipotent God who canI/i> do anything, but has allowed us free will. Any time we engage in the marital act, we are using that free will. Of course we are using it in the way that is in line with our beliefs, and the way we believe God wants us to.

Natural Family Planning allows us to be an active part in making decisions for our family (it's 98% effective for preventing pregnancy when used correctly) and allows us to work within the cycle that God created for our bodies. It's incredible how the female body was made to work, and how the cycle works. Learning NFP helps us to learn more about ourselves, offers us a chance to be more actively involved in our own health, allows us a chance to increase communication within marriage (as NFP involves abstinence during the fertile phase of the cycle and so one must talk to one's partner about it), allows more creativity (to express yourselves in ways other than through sex), and allows us to work with God as opposed to against Him.

But I think you're right as well. Practicing NFP reminds us that God is a part of our family every time we're together.

[anne-mommy.livejournal.com]

I hate it when I forget the end tag for italics!