Murdered darlings and wedding advice

[mrissa]

Edward's reaction to another character's death was a beautiful and affecting piece of writing, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately (well, not very unfortunately, from some perspectives), that character does not, in fact, die in this version of this book. Oops. So it's a darling that just plain has to be murdered.

Some people have talked about saving those bits, but I don't put them in a "cut bits" file. I just ax 'em. I can't figure what I would want it for. It's a dead end. It doesn't fit. It's not the shape of the story as I understand it now, and if the story shape was to change again, it wouldn't change back. Never once have I cut something from a story of any length and later thought, "Wait, I want that back." It's just not how my brain works, I guess. I can't see my way clear to how it would even work.

Have I mentioned that these characters are not the nicest people in the world? You'd be perfectly safe with them in a dark alley, but broad daylight, uff da.

Also, do you think it's okay to wear black to a wedding, in general? How about patterned stockings -- subtle patterns yes, fishnets no, or some other division of acceptable wedding wear? And boots: sometimes, never, occasionally but not generally, any time you feel like it, what? This is not a wedding wherein I am any kind of important person -- "groom's first kindergarten crush" doesn't usually get listed under "flower girl," so it's not like I'm setting the tone for anyone in particular beyond myself. But being around people from my more distant past makes me a little confused.

One of you asked how I decide what to post and what not to post. Elephino. I just...do, I guess. I've heard this asked about what one puts in a novel and what one doesn't, too, and the simple answer is that the things you put in a novel are the things that go there, and the things you don't put in a novel are the things that do not go there. Aren't you glad I was here to clear these things up?

Comments

Wedding

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

You already know this: it depends on the wedding. I've been to formal evening weddings where black is perfectly acceptable, and summer garden weddings where it is not. Patterened tights, boots -- it depends on the wedding and the guests.

If you don't know, it is certainly acceptable to ask the bride.

B

Re: Wedding

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I don't know the bride. If I knew the bride or the other guests, I wouldn't be having this problem. I know the groom, and the groom -- um. Maybe "the groom plays bass guitar" is a stereotypical shorthand that won't do. But the groom is likely to tell me to wear whatever I want, and that's not necessarily going to be the correct answer.

Maybe I will ask the groom's mother.

Re: Wedding

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I think it's acceptable to ask the bride even if you don't know her. "Hi. I'm coming to your wedding, and...." At least, the bride will appreciate being asked, and that can only serve you well in the future.

B

Re: Wedding

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

I don't know the people involved, but when you asked me a similar question, I knew enough to know that I wasn't the one to answer the question. But I asked those who were, and (I believe) reported back. So I'd do that again.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

I think it's amazingly different for men and women, here, too. And what little I might possibly know about it maybe is the men's version.

The concept of asking the bride even if you don't know her makes some sense. And if you find out she's a complete flake in advance, you could even save a trip possibly.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I know who the bride is, even though I don't know her personally and haven't seen her since she was about 12. She's not a complete flake. But even if she was, I'd be going.

[seagrit.livejournal.com]

If you're going to the wedding because the groom is your friend, and you're comfortable wearing black, and he doesn't care if you wear black, he's just happy that you're there, does it matter if anyone else thinks you shouldn't be wearing black? I'd say that's their issue to deal with, not yours.

But I have a rather cavalier attitude toward things labeled "You are supposed to/not supposed to because it's tradition" when I don't see a logical reason for it. Perhaps it's unkind of me, but I don't really care if I (unintentionally) offend someone I don't even know.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I find that it's much, much easier to be friends with guys if I avoid annoying the other women in their life pointlessly. Sometimes there's going to be an unavoidable issue, and so I try to dodge the ones I can.

[songwind.livejournal.com]

I don't recall ever running into a "no black" rule for weddings. I imagine it is considered gauche to look like you're in mourning, but up to that point I don't remember ever reading/hearing/etc anything.

The patterned hose thing.. well, different people have different reactions to that. If the bride or her mother are part of the "fishnets are for hookers and strippers" crowd, I'd avoid them.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Yes, there is in fact a traditional no black rule for weddings, and the use of it for mourning is exactly why. It's a rule that's been fading in recent years to the point where I've known people who have picked black as one of their wedding colors.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Further clarification: the reason for said rule is not so much because of the idea of bringing sadness into a happy occasion, but because it sends the message that "I'm going into mourning because this man is getting married". Oddly enough, there's no tradition against a man wearing a black suit at a wedding, though you'd think the mirror-image message would be just as pertinent (or the exact same message, come to think of it) and just as obnoxious.

Yet another double standard.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

I am a passionate devotee of Miss Manners. She would, I think, answer in the following manner:

do you think it's okay to wear black to a wedding, in general?
No, unless it's part of a pattern.

How about patterned stockings -- subtle patterns yes, fishnets no, or some other division of acceptable wedding wear?
What time will this wedding be? Patterns sound like very casual stockings, which would only be appropriate for an outdoor afternoon wedding. If that.

And boots:
No.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Part of a pattern? Oh, you mean a printed dress of some sort with other colors in?

Anyway, I can't tell whether it's indoor or outdoor, but it's a late afternoon/early evening wedding, just exactly the wrong time for me to guess at formality level by timing.

[timprov.livejournal.com]

I am a passionate devotee of Miss Manners.

Does that mean you're not allowed to meet us because we're creepy Livejournal folk?

[pixelfish.livejournal.com]

Black: Depends on the wedding, and how well you know the couple. I think in general, if you don't know them, you may want to err on the side of caution. However, if your only good dress is black, or if you know the couple pretty well, or if it's a themed sort of wedding wherein people will be wearing much more outrageous stuff, then go for it.

I wore black to my best friend's wedding, but I was a maid of honour, and she told me and the bridesmaids to just go ahead and pick out a black dress we'd want to wear again to other occasions. She then proceeded to help me pick out a slinky backless dress which I now wear for the symphony.

[merriehaskell.livejournal.com]

I think it's like reading the guidelines for story submission. If you don't know the answer, don't test the guideline--or else query.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

If you're at all worried what people will think, it's usually just easier not to wear black.

That refers to all-black outfits, though. I don't see any problem with a black skirt and colored top or vice versa. I really don't see any trouble at all with patterned tights, with one big exception:

There's also a rule about not wearing white to a wedding, which is a subset of a bigger rule about not upstaging the bride. If when you ask about black and fishnets you're referring to the outfit you were photographed in at a recent con, with the short skirt, fishnets, and high boots, I would probably advise against it. In the picture I saw, you looked absolutely spectacular, and I think that outfit would definitely classify as upstaging everyone in the room.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I think. And yes, I had already figured out not to wear a camisole, leather miniskirt, fishnets, and boots to a wedding.

I do have more subtly patterned stockings and longer skirts, though, so that was where the question was coming in.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have often told markgritter that the next time the two of us have cause to marry each other, I am wearing blue. The problem with white and off-white for me is that I too closely match them.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

I think I've worn black to half the weddings (and barmitzvahs, and other formal events) I've attended. I have this very nice black evening gown, you see, and I like to wear its extreme classiness as often as possible.

I've not run into the "no black" rule ever before, but I think unless one is in the bridal party, one should wear whatever fits the formality of the occasion. I think asking a member of the wedding party and/or the bride if there's any specific dress code items might not hurt, though.

[redbird]

I suspect that it depends in part on who else is going to be at the wedding: if the people getting married have old-fashioned relatives, it might be safer not to wear all black. Mostly, though, I'd agree with the people who say yes, ask.

[sam-t.livejournal.com]

I'm puzzled by the 'no boots' advice - surely it depends on the boots, in the same way as any other shoes? I mean, diving boots wouldn't be practical, work boots and Docs are probably not formal enough, and I'd stay away from anything too obvious, but what would be wrong with black or brown leather boots? Ankle boots with trousers, or slightly longer boots with a swishy skirt, or something?

[mightyjesse.livejournal.com]

I have to admit to being puzzled by the no boots advice as well, but I'll admit to dressing rather archaically if I have to do formal against my will...

The last wedding I went to, I wore a nice Edwardian dress that faded from black at the hem to pastel green at the top with plain black tights and properly matched victorian side button boots. It was a nice little outfit. I thought it was classy and possibly even gothy without being wildly depressing or inappropriate.

But that's just me.