Complimentary?

[mrissa]

I've been thinking about compliments (thanks to conversations with tanaise and The Other Mark), so now I'm wondering: what do you like in a compliment? What kind of compliments are easiest for you to accept? What kind are hardest? Or are you good at taking compliments? What kind of compliments do you give, and do they tend to be received well by the people around you?

I mean this both topically (do you have an easier time with compliments to you personally or to something specific you did? with appearance, intellectual stuff, musical stuff, etc.?) and stylistically (how do you do with superlatives, comparatives, understatement, etc.?). And anything else you can think of, I guess.

If you use this to fish for compliments, for heaven's sake make them amuse me.

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Compliments make me really uncomfortable, both getting and giving. It's one of the things in the work-in-progress file. But the easiest by far are the ones that I feel are earned.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

I can accept trivial comments no problem. "You look nice today," "That's a nice shirt," etc. Not a problem. I can usually accept compliments about intellectual stuff and subjective stuff easier. Ie, 'I never would have thought of that, you're so smart." or "Wow, dinner was really good."

The more personal a compliment, the harder it is to take. I remember exactly where I was standing when my favorite boy at the time said I was beautiful. honestly, I think if I was put back into that area (the parking lot behind one of our college buildings), I could show you exactly where I was standing, and all he said was "Why shouldn't I [stare]? You're beautiful." My reply was "Really? Cool." Such a geek girl, but i've remembered it all for the past 8 years.

I think the hardest compliment is appearance based, as I don't think others see me as attractive, and is simple, specific, and unexpected. If I feel all dressed up, it's easy to accept compliments. If I know I'm all that, of course others would notice. Who is giving the compliment also plays a large role in the matter. If Kitchen Boy or his friend say I look good, I somehow believe it both more (because I want it to be true that they think I look good) and less (because they like me and would want me to feel good about myself. Today, for example, I wore a cute shirt with my cargo khakis for the party in the house. ANd while I thought it was a totally cute shirt, I wasn't sure that others would agree, and was very hesitant on the stairs, kept thinking I should go back and change. First person who saw me was the gay boy, who said I looked good. Second person was the Kitchen boy, who said, 'you look really nice." which immediately made me all happy and slightly freaked out.

What I have noticed is that living with someone who compliments easily makes it easier for me to get in the habit of complimenting people, and makes it easier to get compliments as well. Not easy, yet, and I suspect that it will take me a long time to be able to accept a compliment without assuming there's a reason for it, even if the reason is something good.

[aet.livejournal.com]

The only kind of compliments I have no trouble to accept are the ones meant as insults.

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

It's weird, but I do often feel discomfitted by compliments. I think it has to do with that whole "depression" thing.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

You mean, "Oh, that was brilliant" when really it was quite stupid? That sort of thing?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to belittle the effects of depression, and you would certainly know better than I whether that's what's doing it for you. But enough people have expressed difficulty taking compliments that I'm not sure it's only that. For example, our culture may not be good at preparing people to take compliments, or geeks may be primed not to get a lot of them, or something. I'm not sure.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Compliments don't have to be social niceties, though. As you notice for yourself...so maybe it could generalize to other people, too?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Such a geek girl, but i've remembered it all for the past 8 years.

Is that a geek girl thing, really? I mean, I wouldn't be a counterexample in either regard: I am a geek girl, and I have a very good memory for certain compliments or even complimentary looks/expressions. But I didn't think of it as a subcultural trait.

I suspect that it will take me a long time to be able to accept a compliment without assuming there's a reason for it, even if the reason is something good.

Well...isn't there usually a reason for it? Like that the person thinks it's true and wants you to know?

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

It might be the preaching against "pride" and such; our culture is big on Puritan ethics of avoiding taking any pleasure in anything, so surely our own abilities and qualities would be included. Yet another thing I can blame on the religious right! :-)

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Is that a geek girl thing, really? I mean, I wouldn't be a counterexample in either regard: I am a geek girl, and I have a very good memory for certain compliments or even complimentary looks/expressions. But I didn't think of it as a subcultural trait.

Not a geek-girl thing, I meant in a derogatory kind of way--"I'm such a dork," you know, that sort of thing.


Well...isn't there usually a reason for it? Like that the person thinks it's true and wants you to know?

I suppose so. Perhaps it's the why they want me to know that troubles me. I don't know. Perhaps I will always have problems with compliments.

[aet.livejournal.com]

No, I mean when people say something to me, considering it to be a fault, while for me it is a virtue. Like telling me: "You look like a boy!" That one, usually meant to make me work on being more feminine, just used to make me feel really happy.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, sure, a compliment generally requires another person and thus is in a social context for some definition of social. But that doesn't make them social niceties, things said for the politeness of it. Not necessarily, at least. In some situations, certainly.

(On my wedding day, people felt obliged to compliment the dress, to tell me that it was so perfect for me. And it was: because it was my mom's, it had sentimental value and I didn't have to go shopping for it. But telling me it was so perfect for me as a dress? Meh.)

I know what you mean about things like "so carefully worked" with essays you haven't worked on all that carefully. I had that, too. Blech.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm...but aet and yhlee are reporting similar problems, and I would describe neither Estonian nor Korean culture as Puritan (or even really puritan).

On the other hand, it might be a case of divergent causes and convergent effects.

[careswen.livejournal.com]

The compliments that still make me most uncomfortable are those in the "You're so smart" category. I took so much flak from schoolmates for being unacceptably intelligent, that I still get nervous when people remark upon my cleverness, even if they mean well, as if it's meant as a criticism of something disliked.

Thanks to self-esteem issues, it's hard for me to take compliments in the spirit intended, and I got in the bad habit of saying, "Oh, no, that's not true," or, "Really, you think so?" -- both of which I thought sounded rude and ungrateful.

So I retrained myself: Now, if I'm stunned by an unexpected compliment, and I'm otherwise at a loss for words, I automatically (but sincerely) respond, "It's so kind of you to say that." This way, I'm returning the nice gesture and preventing the self-esteem issue from rearing its ugly head at an inappropriate moment, all of which helps me feel better about myself in the long run.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

I don't seem to mind being complimented on something I value. The slogan on a t-shirt I picked out, or the elegance of an algorithm, or whatever. On the rare occasions I've gotten compliments on something I didn't like, it bugs me. And I guess I kinda like compliments on personal appearance, but it seems weird because I'm an old fat guy with a scraggly beard (and, more to the point, don't care much or pay much attention to my appearance).

I suspect most people should tell people they've done things well more often, even if the things are fairly simple. There's no shame in having dome something simple well! (But don't make too big a deal of it.) I'm working on this one. I have no trouble saying so if I've been seriously impressed by something.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

That was an intermediate step for me, "How kind of you to say." I still fall back on it when genuinely startled, though.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

it seems weird because I'm an old fat guy with a scraggly beard

Let's go with "no" on that one, shall we? Or a big ol' eye-roll might suffice.

One foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel...good grief, David.

(and, more to the point, don't care much or pay much attention to my appearance)

That's one I had to train myself out of: in geek circles, the most carefully picked outfit or carefully styled hair are not the ones that get the most compliments. Which is extremely lucky for me.

When I was 12, I thought girls had to choose to be either smart or pretty. It didn't take me long to make the choice, but it was quite a conscious one. So then for years after, any appearance-compliment made me impatient, as in, "no, no, idiots, that's not what I picked!"

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's a matter of setting the record straight: if someone thinks of herself as stupid when you feel fairly sure that you have a more objective viewpoint and she is in fact smart, that's incentive to speak up.

I think we often discount our friends' perspectives, but I've been trying not to: they don't have to be our friends in the first place, so saying "you just think I'm cool because I'm your friend" is at least partially backwards.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Is that because you valued different things than the people speaking to you, or because it was easier not to deal with kindness, or for some other reason?

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

The Korean cultural thing is the "Oh, no, not at all, I'm just a [fill-in-the-blank]" response and I haven't been able to train it out of myself.

Yes. The compliment itself isn't all that bad, for me, but the what-do-we-do-now? That is bad. I don't want to deny the compliment, because that strikes me as coy even when that's not how it's meant. And if I just say "Thank you," that doesn't lead into other conversation. I'm working on the accept-graciously-and-change-subject manuver, and that's better.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't remember feeling awkward about receiving compliments for myself particularily whether it is for appearance, intelligence, or whatever. This is most likely a reflection on the fact that I have a very strong sense of self and insults from people don't bother me that much either. One conversation I remember having with a guy who told me I was beautiful went something like:
Him: "Don't you think you're beautiful?"
Me: "Not really."
Him: "Do you think you're ugly?"
Me: "No. I'm just . . . me."
The problem I have had is how to accept compliments on my children. I'm very proud of them and think they're wonderful, sweet, intelligent people, but I'm not sure what to say to someone when they tell me these things as I'm sure all parents think this of their kids. One of the worst "compliments" people give parents in my opinion is, "They look like you." The reason this is a bad one is that some people mean for it to be complimentary and some mean it as a statement of fact, but you never know which it is and if it's a compliment that you are attractive and they are too, or if it simply means you can tell they are related. I know that I make this statement too, so I am equally guilty, but I am never sure how to receive this comment.

Heathah

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should have let Dave's genes have some say if you didn't want to have to deal with this problem, instead of letting the Ubah-Heathah Genes run the show.

I'm just sayin'.

[(Anonymous)]

You know, when we were deciding which genes to choose, I guess I didn't think about that. Next time we're just going to have to take that into account. :)

Heathah

And just to be clear, that was not an announcement that we are planning a next time.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

(Snrk. What? You mean livejournal is not your usual forum for family planning discussions?)

Anyway, what good is genetic engineering if you still have to...oh. Right. Oops.