We're all Elinor sometimes.

[mrissa]

Earlier this week pegkerr was talking about her Elinor Dashwood mode, where she doesn't talk about the things bothering her, but very lightly and carefully talks around them when she talks at all. In a coincidence of timing, I was having an e-mail conversation with a friend about things he did not know had been going on some months ago. And what I ended up wanting to say is this:

Always assume that there is more going on in someone's life, interior or exterior, than you know.

Always.

No, really, always.

The people you live with count for this. The people you live with whose age is in the single-digits or measured in months: they still count for this. Because they will pop out with something you had no idea they had been working on or mulling over until all of a sudden there it is. This is why small children can still startle us with their questions; it's why we can still talk to our partners after years together. We never know every last thing going on with another person. We couldn't, and we shouldn't. Anyone who has someone who knows everything they're thinking about needs to do some more thinking.

This is not exclusively negative. I don't mean that everyone has things bothering them in the inner recesses of their own head, necessarily. I just mean that it's a good idea to keep in mind that we don't always know everything we think we know.

You know?

Comments

[mkille.livejournal.com]

Conversation here last night in support of your point:

"So you never told me what had been odd, when you got back from Denver."
"Well, talking to me internship supervisor, it's always a little odd."
"What did you talk about?"
"Oh, theology stuff, the fact that I'm not going to get ordained..."
"You're not?"

[zalena.livejournal.com]

And how. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people I'M having an Elinor Dashwood moment. Unfortunately the vast majority of people with which it would be useful would have no idea what that means.

The ones who would understand are the ones who would have that kind of understanding anyway without bringing Elinor Dashwood into it.

[brooksmoses]

Hmm. I think I've been having an Elinor Dashwood year. Or two. Or four. Not more than four, really, I think. But maybe four.

The problems come in when there's something bothering me and it's me that I'm not telling about it.

But yeah. I definitely know.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I think I've been having an Elinor Dashwood year. Or two. Or four. Not more than four, really, I think. But maybe four.

could be about there, yes. could be. except for minor lobster moments. (does elinor do lobsterhands, do you think?)

[jenett]

Have you ever heard my theory of my subconscious? It might amuse you, given the above.

I've had a theory, since sometime in college, that my subconscious is rather like that scene of the generals trying to figure out what to do in the Star Wars Death Star.

Sometimes, they're back there, and they send up regular memos and orders and instructions about what's going on, and how to make it work.

Sometimes, one of them gets abruptly strangled for no good reason, and it takes some time to figure out the work around.

And some days, they order out for pizza and a movie (or, for longer "We're sorry: no one in your subconscious is available at this time. Please leave a message, and we'll get back to you. Eventually.", they order out for Chinese and a Lord of the Rings marathon.)

Those, I hate, because I have no idea what's going on in the back of my head, until they emerge with a new plan. But I cope, partly because I've figured out how help get them through the planning process faster, even when I have no idea what they're actually doing.

It's a rather weird way of thinking of my own brain, but the weirdness also seems to help me cope with the lack of useful data from back there.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

One of the several things that suck about being single is that there's no one whose job it is to remember this.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

were it not for the part where you live on the coast or at least much closer to it than minnesota, i'd offer to remember for you if you remembered for me. but it seems unlikely to work out satisfactorially.

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

i'm going to read this to jd, who thinks that because i talk about so much, i don't have anything in my life that i DON'T talk about. it's not true, but you put it very well when i just flail and go "whaaaa?" :)

(this isn't a point of contention between us exactly; just a long-standing ... wrong idea.)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I think it's far easier -- and a lot less hurtful -- for a chattery person to say to a quiet one, "You've been pretty quiet lately. Is something up?" It's harder for a quiet person to say to a chattery one, "You've been pretty inconsequential lately. Is something up?" -- at least, if they want to make a good go at not being hurtful. And if you've been talking about consequential things, it's almost worse, because then you've had a satisfying talk about something of consequence, and no one thinks, "That discussion of her feelings about her job was great. I wonder if she's avoiding conversation about bothersome news from her grandmother," or whatever.

(No grandmothers were harmed in the writing of this lj comment. It's just an example.)

[redbird]

Yes. There are a very few people who sometimes notice and say to me "is something wrong?/It seems like you're under a lot of stress right now" in that sort of context. I suspect the low number is some combination of needing to know me well and be spending a bunch of time talking to me, and being both willing and able to ask that sort of question. Willing in the sense of being prepared to listen if I then unburden myself about something difficult, and able in the sense that I'd be willing to answer if they asked, rather than turning it away or pointing out that, from that person, such a question would be prying even if there were something going on.

[aszanoni.livejournal.com]

Agreed... Agreement for the comment and the post itself.

Wow. I want to chatter, but I also just want to say, you are cool. And you say the thing that draws out poignant words from others too.

Appreciating all of these things. Empathy to everyone else who needs someone to notice the inconsequential and consequential things in life.

And too tired to be very clear, so am going to head toward that marvelous flat surface for sleep now.

- Chica

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

Yes. Just because you're talking about weighty things doesn't mean there aren't other weighty things hanging back in the not-talking zone.

It's also hard, I think, for people to say, "Hey - are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?" to someone who is usually very self-reliant. (Which is orthogonal, but also similar to the chattery example).

And then there's just the "self-reliant face." If you've got one, people aren't going to imagine anything perturbing is going on. I was horribly sick in college at one point, and dragged myself to class anyway. The TA asked me how I was, and I admitted I felt really, really ill. Her response was, "Oh - you poor thing. You have one of those faces that doesn't give anything away."

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

One of the occasionally useful things about being this pale is that when I was in high school in Nebraska, I would hear a lot of, "You look peaky," or, "Are you okay? You'd better lie down," from the school nurse, even when I was fine. I'm a good deal paler than the Omaha average. Here -- still pale, but so are lots of people.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Not only not exclusively negative, but the only thing that makes long-term relationships (romantic or friendship) possible. I think it would be extremely boring otherwise.