Perspective.

[mrissa]

When we lived in California, I had to go to the ocean every few months. It was just a piece of myself I knew: that I would need something flat and open and much much bigger than myself. Something that did not loom up suddenly, cutting off bits of sky. Something that was not full of people. What I needed was prairie, but I could make approximations with the ocean.

One of the good things about this was that I had identified the need clearly, and I had identified the closest thing that would fit it, and while I might not always be able to fit it in right away when it came up, that part was a matter of patience, which I can fake with the best of them.

Right now, head-down in PT, I don't know what the brain readjustment is. I don't know what I can do to recalibrate here; I don't know what my source of perspective ought to be. But I need some. I need some way to convince my brain of a sense of scale again.

I don't mind hearing suggestions, but I don't have any expectation that the answer on this one is going to come externally, so please don't suggest anything if you're emotionally attached to me doing it.

Comments

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

No suggestions, just a fervent hope that you can FIND what you need, and find it before too long.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks much.

[callunav.livejournal.com]

When I moved from my home in Illinois to my college outside of Philadelphia, I felt continually shut in, but generally didn't realize it. It was only when I was going home, when I was in a car and first hit a highway where everything spread out and away on all sides (not prairie, because Illinois exterminated its prairie except in tiny islands of country grave yards, and narrow strips along the train lines, but soybeans and corn) with thin, short stands of sycamores at evenly spaced intervals for windbreaks, and the individual houses - one there, and then another one over there, and none between them, and tomorrow's weather visible on the horizon - it was only when I felt knots I hadn't even known 'd built up in my shoulders and back start to come loose that I realized how homesick I'd been for my rightful landscape.

I tried to like woods. In my imagination, they were things that one found beautiful, almost holy. Mostly, they made me nervous. I remember being in the car with other people driving through back-country PA, trying to get them to slow down when we hit the crest of a low rise in the middle of a meadow, so that I could breathe for a minute or two.

After 8 or 9 years on the east coast, I stopped feeling actively oppressed by the 80 degrees of sky available to me, and that I started to find woods as beautiful as plains. And I still need breathing space.

I discovered the ocean the same way you describe it - the only experience of openness available. For me, the ocean is a dozen other things as well, things that get tangled in my guts and yank, not caring what comes free. But one of the main things the ocean is is big and wide and flat and uninhabited. It has a horizon. That's important.

I don't know what you'll find that will give you the same sensation, but I hope you find it soon. The big thing - well, one of the big things - about--well! about big things, about the wide spaces - is that you can't (one can't, I can't) get what you need from them on a tight schedule. It takes time - not just a lot of time, but an open-ended sense of time - to change in the way the wide places change people, to come loose from the shape you held tightly in the narrower spaces and spread out until you find your own edges again. So I wish that for you.

Sometimes rolling, unforested hills can help, if you can't get plains or oceans. And a lot of silence, or something very close. And enough time, with no one checking their watch.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

It's not the space that's lacking. I have plenty of space. It was just the analogy: that the ocean was a brain readjustment I knew how to do for when I was feeling cramped by my physical surroundings. I don't know how to do one for being cramped by the PT and the nasty feelings it brings.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Hust a thought, and no attachment, but I got some of that sea sense when I drove along one of the big lakes up your way. Big sky, serene, and vast space, with blue, blue waters.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Ah, I have made myself unclear: I have plenty of wide open space here. It's not that brain adjustment that's wanting. It's the one for being up to my ears in PT and the lousy feelings that brings, and for not letting that color too much of the rest of my world.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

I don't know, Marissa. I don't know if this is something anyone else can tell you or suggest. I might not even be hearing the right question. All I can do is tell you what works for me.

I spent a huge portion of my younger years at the beach, so I understand perfectly what you mean about the openness and people not being around. I loved just sitting on the sand, watching gulls wheel across the sky and the waves hiss across the sand. There was a great deal of peace in that for me.

As I got older, and moved away from the ocean, I found that same sense of peace in forest and trees. There is something about sitting in the woods and listening to the quiet, the sound of wind in leaves and birds calling to one another that centers me. It's one of the things I love best about where I live now: trees and water and quiet.

You call it a sense of scale or perspective, I call it being centered, but I'm guessing it's approximately the same thing. We all have an instinctual need for something that grounds us and results in that sigh of recognition that says Yes, this is right. This is what I needed. Here I can be still.
And not knowing what that perspective is has got to be the most frustrating thing when your head is spinning constantly and the only way to make it better is to make it worse for a while.

All I can suggest is to listen for the quiet moments, to look for the moments of internal stillness and use them to recalibrate.

Not emotionally attached to that suggestion, just to you. :)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Internal stillness is what I mostly don't have. I'm waking up dizzy and nauseated in the middle of the night, much less the daytime when I'm doing stuff.

But sometimes. Maybe.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I find that when I have one giant thing consuming my life (eg: attempting to adopt a baby) the best tonic is another giant, life-consuming thing (eg: attempting to write a novel). It adds to the stress but considerably reduces the angst, for me, because it gives me two separate goals, and I have a lot more control over the outcome of the second than of the first. It doesn't have to be a difficult thing as long as you can throw yourself into it with some intensity--learning to knit, something like that.

Also, if you're kind of stuck, physically, reading history can sometimes take you out of yourself and give you a sense of perspective. Again, the more of a big project you make it, the more it creates a counterbalance in your mind for whatever's weighing on you. And if you're struggling with physical ability, deliberately stretching your mind is a good way to feel less limited and remind yourself of the stuff that still works the way you're used to having it work.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, I am working on a new novel. Which is a good thing; it just doesn't seem to be the thing, in that sense.

[elsue.livejournal.com]

I count. If something has a set duration (say, a month, or 965 pages, or whatever), I calculate the percentage elapsed and percentage remaining each time I've made it through an increment. If not, I just count what has elapsed. It's a reminder that "at least this much no longer has to be done"; somehow I'm better able to let it go for the rest of the day.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

This is why I have ticky marks on my to-do list for the PT: not because I will forget to do it without them, but because removing each one is a Thing Done.

[akitrom.livejournal.com]

Back in the early 80's, I attended a role-playing game convention and sat in on a game run by sandy Peterson, one of the fellows who wrote Call of C'thulhu and Runequest. and he was talking about this player, Andy, out in California who was just amazing.

At one point, the party needed to sneak into a castle. Everybody had their ideas about how to do it, and then the table fell silent, and Andy piped up. "All that's too complicated. What we do is buy radishes. A whole cart-ful of radishes. And we throw them into the moat..."

And everybody waited for the rest of the plan. Because Andy was really a clever player.

And finally, one fellow at the table realized that nothing more was forthcoming. "That's -- That's a bad plan, Andy."

So, I'd suggest a cartful of radishes.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Indeed, in my experience, radishes are rather rarely the answer.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm not sure what "head-down in PT" really signifies. If it means that you're feeling sorry for yourself and daunted by the physical readjustments you have to make, I'd suggest trying some volunteer work in the children's wards (it seems to work on your average holiday episode of 90210). If it means that you've lost perspective on why the therapy is worth doing, I'd find a physical activity that I'm really bad at but enjoy doing anyway, something fun and with a definite goal to measure myself against.

Not my brain, though, and I'm not sure how good I am at taking care of my own brain, let alone someone else's.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

If I was physically capable of either of those things, life would be so much better than it currently is. I. Fall. Down. I can't do most of the activities I'm usually good at without hurting myself.

[rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. Are you a music-person? Because it sounds as though what you want is something that engages your brain by primarily using senses that aren't the ones that are currently affected. With vertigo, that eliminates things based on sight, touch (to some extent-- YMMV), kinesthesia of course, and at least for me smell; and nausea tends to eliminate taste.

Which leaves hearing as possibly unaffected enough to escape into.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have been playing more piano, yes.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

Oy. No suggestions, just the observation that my experience (growing up in New England and having grandparents in IL and living in MSP for 2.5 years after college) is exactly the opposite. I remember adoring Lake of the Isles for its varying (by MSP standards) topography, its woodedness, its irregular shoreline. It felt more homelike to me: secluded and enclosed.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

And then there's the other end of the lake, where it opens out a bit. Such a good lake.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

It's funny. I grew up in the Midwest, and I adore that flat openness, but I've kind of come to suspect that I was using the prairie as a substitute for the ocean, even before I'd ever really spend any time around the ocean.

I think I understand your PT-related problem, but I don't have any answers. I am somewhat comforted by knowing that this will not be news to you. What I think comes closest, for me, is unfortunately weather-dependent. Walking outside expecting biting cold and finding inside a cool stillness. Closing my eyes and turning my face into the sun. Laying back in the shade and the grass. Listening to a heavy rain. Those things all help me remember feeling good, when I'm physically not right. But they don't happen on command, and they might not work for you, anyway.

I hope you find it, whatever it is.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Heavy rain may come our way. It's spring in Minnesota. We have grounds for hope.

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

there's one thing that recalibrates the tasha-brain.

and that thing is tea.

lately, it's bigelow plantation mint tea. with one or two cubes of sugar.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to remind myself to make an afternoon cup of cocoa; that seems to be a good thing.

[greykev.livejournal.com]

hope you find something helpful. Me? I'm ready to float/swim after this winter. How long till the lakes open again? ;-D

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

We tend to watch for the last ice on them for the next several weeks.

[ksumnersmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I hear you.

... (pondering) ...

I suppose my thought is this: the routine that you had is disrupted, has been for a while. The things that you normally enjoy doing have likewise been affected. Is there perhaps something you could do ... or, maybe more realistically, somewhere that you can go where you'd be comfortable and not likely to hurt yourself or become worn out too quickly. Have a thing, an experience, that is not made sharp by its contrast to what it used to be or what you could have done before the vertigo got bad, but that can be enjoyed for what it is to you right now.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking about this, but thinking of what is not perhaps as easy as one might hope.

[hbevert.livejournal.com]

I guess I was always seeing the PT as a readjustment itself, so how to readjust to make the readjustment easier? Returning to something old and disused but familiar, perhaps, like listening to books on tape in a language you haven't used for a while or making recordings of yourself telling stories about your past. If you have an artistic bent, it would be really fascinating to have a photo or other visual media collection that tries to capture the out-of-the-ordinary perspective of how the world looks to you these days.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I haven't gotten out the paints in quite some time. The markers didn't work well at all, but it's a very visually different thing with paint. On the other hand, I'm not as good at cleaning up messes right now, so I will have to think about feasibility there.

[elsue.livejournal.com]

Random thought... what determines the frequency of the PT? If it were done more/less often, how would it affect the results, and how would it affect the ability to tolerate it?

So, if it were okay to do it less often but it lasted longer/postponed the eventual outcome, or to do it more often and be way sicker but for a shorter time, would either be preferable? (Both sound truly noxious, but then, so does the PT in the first place...)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

The professionals my insurance is paying for this purpose have a very good idea of the line they're walking, and we're on it. Making people vomiting-and-not-getting-out-of-bed sick does not actually help more than my current nauseated-and-stumbling-around-the-house sick, so bulling through the exercises will make me miserable without actually helping. And doing PT less regularly than I am now might well make it not work at all, while making me intermittently miserable.

Wheeeee.

[lotusice.livejournal.com]

For me, it's a big sheet of just-cut ice.

I dress fast to make sure I'm first out, very often. It's more symbolic than literal, although it's also the quiet, the fact of no marks, the fact of it's being neutral, completely neutral.

And also mine, and also not.

Maybe something to keep in mind is that PT is a process. It has its own seasons and changes along the way, and its own sort of purpose external to you, if that makes sense.

Or: if you perceive of the process as a more external entity, you might not feel so bound up in it.

Or just hugs, if none of the above.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Oh, oh. That evoked the smell of a big sheet of fresh ice rather clearly. Good smell.

[howl-at-the-sun.livejournal.com]

Lying down and looking at the stars might offer a sense of order, of sorts.

Also, I've always found that letting my fingers rest in running water (especially a natural stream) and making mentally like my thoughts, my emotions, my sense of self, flow along with it, helps me get a certain - steadiness. The trick is remembering to do it when unsteady.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Heh. I think some of the streams are starting to thaw around here, but getting me to the banks of one is in the Truly Nontrivial category at the moment. And the stars are wheeling rather more than they ought, if I lie back and look up.

They're both lovely thoughts, too.

[sam-t.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I think I know what you mean about the sea and open spaces - I don't seem to see the North Sea nearly enough for comfort, these days, and I miss it - but the PT seems more difficult to get out of, if you see what I mean. If you could turn off the vertigo for a bit, it'd be a different problem. I like what callunav was saying about courage.

I hope you find something that helps, anyway. Speaking personally, I wouldn't exactly object if the solution was to engage in an in-depth study of, say, Scandinavian classical music, and post long and interesting essays about it. I'm not sure that 'writing stuff that would interest sam_t' is exactly the best basis for decision, here, but, y'know, just in case.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Heh. Well, I will keep that in mind.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Maybe a pear? Because you already tried The Warrior's Apprentice. Maybe the Third Brandenburg? Maybe a hug? Maybe some lavender? Lavender seems like a very balanced smell to me, but if not, maybe some mix of spices? jennett goes to a herbalist that makes teas for what ails you, maybe you could get them to make a balancing scent for you? As pot pouri, maybe, or in a vial you could have a little sniff of? Or have you tried sea-rounded rocks? (I could send some pocket sized ones if you don't have any handy.) I'm trying to think what might help me if I couldn't tell what way was up. Four Quartets! How about the "Ash on an old man's sleeve is all the ash the burnt roses leave" bit?

No emotional attachment, just trying to think of something.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

We have lavender and the Third Brandenburg readily available this afternoon. I will give that a go.

Are pears still good right now? I was thinking we might be in one of those between-fruit seasons when Clementines are no longer the thing and berries are not really in yet. (Also on a fruity note, in the fall I am to bring you-all some freeze-dried mangoes to try, because they're really not much like the ones dried without freezing, they're this odd mango candyish thing, nothing added, just mango gone odd. And if no one at your house likes them, someone else around the party surely will.)

[kalikanzara.livejournal.com]

I almost reflexively suggested Lake Superior, but

This is an interesting question - I've been, hrm, having a perspective requirement of my own, recently. Trying to reset, find a way to get back into my own head, crawl back into my own skin (even if I don't fit the same way anymore, you know, with all the new experience)

I want to be centered again, though, whatever me it is being centered. And Lake Superior might help that, sure, but it's more the centering, I think, than the lake.

I don't know if that maps to your situation at all.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I love Superior, but the car ride up is not going to be something I can tolerate just now.

A grim poem

[eileenlufkin.livejournal.com]

I wish I could help. You are very brave. I have found this bracing in grim times.

No, the world will not break,
Time will not stop.
Do not for the dregs mistake
The first bitter drop.

When first the collar galls
Tired horses know
Stable's not near. Still falls
The whip. There's far to go.

C.S. Lewis

I noticed while I was typing that this speaks to your condition more specifically then I remembered.

Re: A grim poem

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Now there's a man that learned how to be cheerful from reading sagas.