Letting go

[mrissa]

Several times lately I've had something I've wanted to post to lj about, and I've had to leave the computer for awhile because of the vertigo, and by the time I've gotten back to it, the urge to write the entry was gone. I was going to write about being a "local author" at Career Day at one of the private high schools around here, but that was last Friday, and it's no longer on my mind quite so much. I was going to rant about how the current system of arranging symphony orchestra concerts is the equivalent of selling tickets to a double-header with the Andrews Sisters and Metallica: sure, there are people who like both, but it's not perhaps the most graceful combination ever. I was going to say lots of things, but there was the vertigo, and I didn't, and now I've sort of let go of them.

Another thing I'm letting go of is going to sound silly: it's the book list. Sort of. I will still have my Amazon list and my library list, but the library list is getting mightily consolidated. It used to be five closely written pages (with much crossing-out, but still), plus the file on the computer for things I should look up to see if the library has them. Some of those things have been removed from the stacks since I wrote them down. With some I've forgotten why I wanted to read them in the first place. So I've checked out a big stack of library books that have been on the list for awhile, and I'm going to continue doing that. But I'm also letting go of some books. If it's something our library doesn't have, do I want it enough to get it on ILL? Do I want it enough to buy it? Sometimes yes. But sometimes no. Fairly often no. If not, keeping it written down somewhere doesn't seem to serve much purpose. I'm letting go of the lists as a crutch. I'm using them as a practical aid or not at all. I have known for quite some time that I would never read everything that has ever interested me, and that's a good thing. Means that people keep writing good books. If the lists are going to be clutter rather than leading me to books I want, I don't want them.

There are a few other things I'm trying to let go of, triggered by the vertigo months. I absolutely hate it when people set up traps for other people, the kind that are phrased as, "If you were REALLY my friend, you would..." or, "If you REALLY loved me, you would...." I refuse to do that.

But it's not the same thing to set up traps like that as to realize that some people are not the friends they once were, and some people are not the friends you thought they were. Not everybody has to be your best friend. Not everybody even has to be the kind of cordial acquaintance with whom you interact frequently. But I think there does have to be some kind of feeling that one person is not carrying the whole relationship, whether it's an intense, close friendship or a casual, occasional one. There needs to be some sense of mutuality, whether that means that we exchange lj comments every couple of months or that we e-mail each other daily. And with one particular friend (who has told me that they never read stuff on the internet, so it's not you!), there has been neither the slightest whisker of concern for how I'm doing nor a particularly good reason why not. This isn't like the people who have a new baby, or the people who have a medical problem of their own, or the people in stressful work situations, or the people who never knew me that well in the first place, or...a million other things. It's just the expectation that if there is to be a friendship, it's my job to make it happen. And it turns out that I am not short on monkeys. I am not even short on monkeys who like me and are willing to do something so drastic as write a quick e-mail or make a quick comment once in several months of this difficulty. For quite awhile, I kept thinking that while I didn't actually want to talk to this particular person, I wanted to want to someday in the future. Now...I'm having some difficulty seeing why.

It's probably a sign about the friendship that all of the reasons why this is bothering me are not things that I will miss about being friends with this person -- I was missing those even when this person was around -- but doubts about how I ought to treat people. Have I given enough of the benefit of the doubt? Have I allowed for the way that friendships naturally ebb and flow? Did I talk to this person about things that were bothering me before deciding to just let it go? Am I trying to demand that my health problems should be the center of everyone's life and attention? But I think that's yes, yes, yes, and no, respectively. I think it's okay not to be angry, not to be snarky, not to be hurt, just to be...done. And to feel like you are seeing clearly that it's done, that this is not your friend any more. So I guess I am.

Comments

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

All of which reminds me, though I know it's not intended that way: I've been very busy lately and especially this week have had limited computer time. so this is just to say that since the last thing I remmeber your saying about the therapy was that it is having an effect, I hope that's still the case and that it's getting less unpleasant. And that I think of you (and quite a few others here) even when I'm not writing much.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yes, the things that are making me miserable are much more complicated, difficult things now. Hurrah. And thanks for asking.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Oh well, good then. I think.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

to keep a relationship going, you need to extend a hand towards them, and *they need to extend one back*.

i am good at remembering that first part and beating myself up over it, but not so good at remembering that second part.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have stopped being surprised when we have bits of processing similarity.

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

This post was very timely for me. Thank you. It articulates some things I've been struggling to let go of. Sometimes being friends with someone is reduced to a chore and it needs to be reevaluated.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Glad to be here.

[gauroth.livejournal.com]

This is so apt. I've recently come to realise that someone I thought was a close friend thinks of me as more of an acquaintance, and it hurts! This post has made me feel less as if it's All My Fault. Thank you.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Very glad to help.

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

ill health forces a lot of reconfiguring (of priorities, time management, and energy outlay), which is never easy, but sometimes quite worth it.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[eposia.livejournal.com]

Very nicely phrased, thank you for taking the time and energy to write it!

This may be counter the point that you're making, but

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Do you have a library bookmarklet (http://weblog.infoworld.com/udell/stories/2002/12/11/librarylookup.html) for your library? It's a little javascript string that sits on your browser as a bookmark, and lets you check your library for a book from any page with an ISBN in the title. Pretty sweet, and it cuts out a lot of booklist middle steps--I look up books in amazon, and if they're not in the library, I shift them into a backup wishlist to check again later sometime when I'm bored. If I want it badly enough, and the library never gets it, it's an easy swap over to the actual wishlist, or if I change my mind, easily deleted. :)

(there are also fancier incarnations of the tool, but I lack the skills to adapt those for my purposes.)

Re: This may be counter the point that you're making, but

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Heh. No, I don't have that. My goodness, how convenient.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Well said. Thank you for using a spoon* or two to write it.

(Something I needed to hear, too, so thank you for that as well.)




*I could put in a link to the Spoon Theory thing, but people already know that, right?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Glad to be useful.

Have you read The Tale of Despereaux? I didn't really think it was all that fabulous itself, but within the spoon metaphor it can be very useful: the king bans spoons from the kingdom completely. Some days, "out of spoons" just doesn't cover what the lack of spoons feels like.

[pameladean]

Oh, ow, sorry about the vanished friendship. I hope the realization and letting-go are at least easier than the struggle was.

P.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[barondave.livejournal.com]

When I first joined LJ, several years ago, I was delighted that many of the people I knew from Days Gone By were also on. I spent many a happy hour foafing: using flists to find a Friend of a Friend, who maybe I knew. And I found several. But having little or no contact in a couple of decades meant we had drifted apart. They are still fine people, we but quickly fell off each others flists. This isn't precisely the same thing you're talking about, but is a similar phenomena, I think.

Still, once a connection has been made I am loathe to break it. The relationship is there, however tenuous. I can't afford to lose friends, even drifted-apart near-acquaintances. We're still around, someplace.

This may sound strange, but I'm a little jealous that you have so many friends you can lose one.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm certainly not issuing this person a certificate reading, "No Longer mrissa's Friend." It's more about acknowledging the drift internally than about commemorating it externally.

On the other hand, I know what you mean about perfectly fine people who have drifted apart. There are some people from college, high school, and before that who are still genuine friends of mine, but there are also others towards whom I have no ill will but also no particular urge to try to rebuild a relationship that was largely based on factors no longer in play.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

As the child of a marriage that was all give on one side and all take on the other, I seesawed through my youth, first thinking that my efforts in friendship were paramount (without looking for a return), and then swinging* to a wary, transactional mode for a short time. That latter time coincided with the end of law school and my parents' divorce, so I suppose it is to be expected.

I finally came to rest (more or less) at the point where I am now. I extend the effort I would like to extend because I like the person. If I find that that person has ceased to extend any effort of their own, I allow what is left of the friendship to drift and sink.


*Yeah. Mixed metaphors and all that. ::sigh::

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yah, mutual and transactional really do need to be different things.

[scoopgirl.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're struggling with that friendship, and with health woes. I didn't know at all about the latter and has just an LJ friend, have to say I'm impressed with how much you post for not feeling well.

((HUG))

Hope you feel better soon, on all counts.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much.

[sraun]

While I don't think I'd ever extended the realization to the friendship level, I realized this about significant others some time ago. I had a ... catastrophic break-up, and after much introspection, came to the realization that both sides needed to be adapting somewhat to the other's life if the relationship was going to be successful (at least for me). The other realization was that in any competition for attention, money, time, or whatever other limited resource between me and her kid, I had to expect to loose - but for the relationship to be viable, there needed to be times when she declared I won. I suppose those are two different illustrations of the same principle.

It was not an easy realization to reach. I sympathize with what you've been going through.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I think from what I've seen of your interactions with the one of your stepdaughters I have seen, you've moved into familial mode, where it's a collective thing: we are going to use limited resources to get what we need, as a family. Which is really the way to go if you can work it.

[sraun]

Oh, they're definitely our kids now! Which does make lots of things a lot easier. But it was something I was looking for when I met iraunink - I told her about it not long after I met her (having just asked her about the timing). She thought it was a very good set of expectations. I love my wife. {grin}

They're both illustrations of relationships being/not-being one-sided - and I think one-sided relationships are, at best, doomed to fail. At worst, they'll hurt an awful lot when they break.

[laurel]

C'mon now, give him another chance, Bert's busy with being Bert, plus there's a road trip now . . .




(Waitaminute-- you probably aren't talking about TV-friends . . . nevermind.)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Bert loves us and wants us to be happy. I know that.

I have to say, I giggle every time I see that icon. I am just that mature and classy. And whenever they show a Young Bert picture during one of the games, we ask ourselves why it isn't that one.

Y'know, with some people you'd think, "I'll bet he's wearing that for shock value." But with Bert you have to think, "Hey, I'll bet that guy loves to fart."

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

The drifting-apart thing is, I think, a great deal of why Facebook took off. It's a way to still be connected to people you otherwise wouldn't have still. I have one friend from my hometown. I have several from college. I'm finally getting the hang of friends, having been in both junior high/high school and college. Letting go is part of that.

I'm interested in the symphony orchestra thing, too, but mostly because I can comment about that and sound fairly informed. Lots of years of park band concerts, you see, and a willingness to critique the directors' choices. But do not feel you must post; you have more you-centered things to do while the world stands still beneath you.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, really, I have to sit through Tchaikovsky to hear my beloved freakazoid Finnish modern, Kalevi Aho. Tchaikovsky! I ask you! The Romeo and Juliet overture, too, so I will have to bring a towel for the soppiness.

[athenais.livejournal.com]

...some people are not the friends they once were, and some people are not the friends you thought they were.

I find it unbelievably hard to stop caring about my illusions when it comes to friendships. I know intellectually when a friendship has ceased to be mutual, or has drifted too far to rescue, or has blown apart without hope of repairing because I misjudged the other person. But I don't want it to be true. I err on the side of extra chances, hoping that I'll get what I need from it. And sometimes that makes the hurt so much worse. I feel like the world's biggest mook.

I would be so much better off walking away quietly instead of pining for what doesn't exist. I wonder if I'll ever learn.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

This has taken me awhile as well.

But the opportunity to use the word "mook" is at least slightly cheering, even despite the context....

Verbal Attack Patterns

[sapience.livejournal.com]

I hope you don't mind a stranger wandering in and commenting. I love when I discover that there is a term for something I didn't have a specific word for, and I was hoping I could offer you such a gift.


I absolutely hate it when people set up traps for other people, the kind that are phrased as, "If you were REALLY my friend, you would..." or, "If you REALLY loved me, you would...." I refuse to do that.

These are examples of English Verbal Attack Patterns (VAPs). If you're interested, you can read more about them in Suzette Hayden Elgin's LJ (ozarque). This entry (http://ozarque.livejournal.com/471703.html) has several examples, plus links to further reading on the subject.


Best wishes!

Re: Verbal Attack Patterns

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Comments are always welcome; thanks for taking the time!

I do read ozarque regularly. But it's not just the verbal attack that bothers me in this case, it's the concrete situation behind it. Even if you never say, "If you were REALLY my friend, you would...", if you're behaving in that pattern, it's not so good.

Re: Verbal Attack Patterns

[sapience.livejournal.com]

Ah, I hadn't even thought to check if she was on your friends list. That must be where I recognized your icon from!

Since I don't know you, I didn't feel comfortable saying so directly, but I guess what I was trying (and, unfortunately, failing) to say indirectly was that I recognized the frustration that the situation with your friend was causing you, and that I could understand why you would be disturbed that this friendship was inspiring thoughts of verbal attacks. More importantly, I thought it was commendable that you not only recognized the temptation to make such attacks, but that you refused to give in to doing so. Rather, you sought to understand the situation better. (And that you not only looked at their behavior toward you, but also examined your behavior toward others.)

I also think it's neat that the rewards of choosing the introspective path included realizing that you do treat others well (and that your health issues have not changed that), as well as deciding that you would be better without this friendship in your life (and that it was okay for you to let the friendship go without being angry, snarky, or hurt).

Re: Verbal Attack Patterns

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, thanks; one does the best one can.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

But it's not the same thing to set up traps like that as to realize that some people are not the friends they once were, and some people are not the friends you thought they were.

I have a tremendously hard time with this stuff.

No answers, but much sympathy.

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

I've had this post sitting open in my browser winder for the past week, trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say about it. It seems sort of inadequate to say "Yeah, I see where you're coming from - I've had trouble with that too." I just feel like there's something more I want to say, but I don't know exactly what. Maybe I'll comment again later if I'm able to find sufficient words.

Oh, and about the library thing - the Hennepin County library website (are you in Hennepin? If not, your library site may have something similar) has a "My list" function that lets you store a list of books you find in the library catalog that you want to read something but don't necessarily want to request just yet. When you do want them, you just go to your list and click "Request this book." This is my usual way of dealing with "books I might want to read someday." (If the library doesn't have the book, of course, then I have to decide if I'm interested enough to go put in on my Amazon wishlist, which I'm often not.) You might want to give this a try.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm not in Hennepin Cty., but I've been converting my long handwritten list to a shorter stored list. Or series of lists, since the Dakota Cty function only lets you have ten items on a saved list. It's very convenient indeed: on the days when I have more computer stability, I add to the list, and then when I'm unsteady and need library books I can get it done with a few clicks.