so funny I forgot to laugh

[mrissa]

My grandpa is pretty sick, and he's always loved "groaner" jokes. Please tell me the best bad jokes you can think of so I can tell him. PG-13 at worst, please.

Comments

[fireriven.livejournal.com]

My favorite one is:

You know what they said about Julius Caesar... he sure had a lot of Gaul.

(Appropriate for today, eh?)

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because the chicken was stapled to his ear.


....

You know Interrupting Cow, right?

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

A big silver disc-shaped spaceship floats down to a gas station. The attendant walks over, admiring the ship, and sees "U.F.O." painted on the side. "Does that mean 'Unidentified Flying Object'?" he asks.

"No," the little green pilot says, "'Unleaded Fuel Only'."

[guppiecat]

Number one best joke of all time:

A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar. The sibyl said, "There's going to be this big flood, and it's going to be terrible." And the haruspex was looking at this dead animal, and he said, "Yeah, it's going to rain hard and wipe everything out, and it's going to do all kinds of damage." And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"

Others:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

---

* Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
* So they can hide in strawberry patches.

* Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
* Works pretty well, doesn't it?

* How do you catch a red elephant?
* With a red elephant trap.

* How do you catch a green elephant?
* Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.

* How do you catch an orange elephant?
* I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.



---

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said, "Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."

---

* What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
* Any dog. A building can't jump.

A selection of BBS favorites!

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "hey, we have a drink named
after you!"
grasshopper says, "bob? that's a funny name for a drink."

why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
cause if it had 4 it would be a sedan.

how do you recognize an elephant on the moon?
from the big E on the spacesuit.

how did the crazy guy make it through the woods?
he took the cycle path.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a scotsman?
The Rolling Stones sang "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
A scotsman is more likely to say "Mey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't! You get down from a goose.

[guppiecat]

You may also want to go here.

I once a full 6 hours on that site. That was one hell of a night.

[kythiaranos.livejournal.com]

Q. Where does a king keep his armies?

A. In his sleevies.

[brooksmoses]

I am very fond of:

Q: How do you put an elephant in a refridgerator?

A: You put his trunk in the refridgerator, and consider the rest as a source term.

However, I suspect that is sufficiently esoterically geeky as to only be funny to a very small number of people, probably not including Mris's grandfather. Mostly I find it funny because it happens to exactly describe my doctoral dissertation.

[wshaffer.livejournal.com]

What happened when the farmer's daughter backed into the combine harvester?

Disaster.

(I was told this joke by Daniel's Grandpa Ludwig, so it has the grandfatherly terrible joke seal of approval. When Ludwig told me this joke, I was so surprised to hear it from such a solemn and serious man that I laughed until I nearly cried. Ludwig was delighted and astonished - he assured me that in years and years of telling that joke, he'd never gotten so much as a chuckle.)

[madmanatw.livejournal.com]

"You know why toadstools grow so close together?

Because there isn't mush room.

I know, that was in spore humor.

I'm just trying to be a fungi."

[redbird]

Nothing of my own handy, but I just found this in jonquil's journal, as overheard in Penzey's:

Store owner: Thank you.
White-haired gentleman: Thank my mother for raising me right. [Pause] You'll have to get a shovel to see her, though.

[sraun]

Yorkie Golf. Fore! Yipyipyipyipyip.

And what my wife describes as the cleanest dirty joke she's ever heard.

These two Koreans were going to a conference in New York. They were told that they had to try a hot dog from the street vendors - it's wonderful food! So, the first day, they go out and find a vendor, and they each buy one. They step away, and then look at what they've got. The first turns to the second and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"

Re: A selection of BBS favorites!

[redbird]

Which reminds me:

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Q: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Potato.

A cop sees a woman knitting as she's driving down the street. He puts on his flashers, but she ignores him. She also ignores the siren. So he pulls up beside her and honks. She rolls down her window and he hollers, "PULL OVER!" And she yells back, "NO! IT'S A CARDIGAN!"

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i've heard general instead of king, but yeah. also:

where does a general keep his armadillos?

in his sleevadillos!

[jimhines.livejournal.com]

I did a joke contest a little while back at http://jimhines.livejournal.com/425870.html and there were some good ones in the comments.

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

Q: What's red and green and goes 60 miles an hour?
A: A frog in a blender.

Q: What's red and green and brown and goes 60 miles an hour?
A: The same frog, a week later.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them apart from canaries.

Why couldn't the elephants play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was sitting on the deck.

Why don't elephants have feathers?
If they did, you would confuse them with ducks.

If you take your dog downtown, where should you leave him?
In a barking lot.

All my jokes are kids jokes. :)

[rosefox]

A cop sees a woman knitting as she's driving down the street. He puts on his flashers, but she ignores him. She also ignores the siren. So he pulls up beside her and honks. She rolls down her window and he hollers, "PULL OVER!" And she yells back, "NO! IT'S A CARDIGAN!"

My mother-in-law sent me this joke yesterday, except in her version it was a blonde knitting a scarf. I'm amazed to see it still in such active circulation.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE. And it's NOT FUNNY.

[tanac.livejournal.com]

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: What's brown and comes in bottles?
A: Guinness Stoat

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Where there are knitters, there is that joke. There's even a rule on the KnitList about not telling it.

And the correct answer to the other one is, "WHY are you ASSUMING that household chores are a WOMAN'S job?"

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've got a great knock-knock joke. Ready? Okay, you start.

[sdn.livejournal.com]

q. what is green and sings?
a. frank snotra.

q. what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a. a stick.

q. what happened to the plastic surgeon who stood too close to the fire?
a. he melted.

q. what do you call a cow with no legs?
a. ground beef.

i send health and bad jokes.

[sdn.livejournal.com]

I LOVE THIS ONE

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

So there's a guy sitting on his porch, watching the traffic go by. A rabbit starts to cross the street and gets hit by a car. The guy driving the car stops, gets out, opens his trunk and takes a bottle out. He goes over to the rabbit and empties the bottle over it, then throws the bottle into the the drainage ditch, gets back in his car and leaves.

The first guy is still staring, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, when the rabbit twitches and then sits up. It waves to the guy on the porch, then turns and hops a couple of steps. It turns back, waves again, turns and hops another couple steps. It keeps doing this until it's out of sight.

The guy goes to the drainage ditch and finds the bottle. The label says on the front: HARE RESTORER
And on the back:
WITH PERMANENT WAVE.

(Obviously, this is better as a spoken joke, so the homophone works properly.)

[Edited to get the timing right on the punchline.]