so funny I forgot to laugh

[mrissa]

My grandpa is pretty sick, and he's always loved "groaner" jokes. Please tell me the best bad jokes you can think of so I can tell him. PG-13 at worst, please.

Comments

[fireriven.livejournal.com]

My favorite one is:

You know what they said about Julius Caesar... he sure had a lot of Gaul.

(Appropriate for today, eh?)

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because the chicken was stapled to his ear.


....

You know Interrupting Cow, right?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yes, but do you know Interrupting Cow Apprentice?

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

A big silver disc-shaped spaceship floats down to a gas station. The attendant walks over, admiring the ship, and sees "U.F.O." painted on the side. "Does that mean 'Unidentified Flying Object'?" he asks.

"No," the little green pilot says, "'Unleaded Fuel Only'."

[guppiecat]

Number one best joke of all time:

A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar. The sibyl said, "There's going to be this big flood, and it's going to be terrible." And the haruspex was looking at this dead animal, and he said, "Yeah, it's going to rain hard and wipe everything out, and it's going to do all kinds of damage." And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"

Others:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

---

* Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
* So they can hide in strawberry patches.

* Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
* Works pretty well, doesn't it?

* How do you catch a red elephant?
* With a red elephant trap.

* How do you catch a green elephant?
* Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.

* How do you catch an orange elephant?
* I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.



---

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said, "Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."

---

* What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
* Any dog. A building can't jump.

[brooksmoses]

I am very fond of:

Q: How do you put an elephant in a refridgerator?

A: You put his trunk in the refridgerator, and consider the rest as a source term.

However, I suspect that is sufficiently esoterically geeky as to only be funny to a very small number of people, probably not including Mris's grandfather. Mostly I find it funny because it happens to exactly describe my doctoral dissertation.

A selection of BBS favorites!

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "hey, we have a drink named
after you!"
grasshopper says, "bob? that's a funny name for a drink."

why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
cause if it had 4 it would be a sedan.

how do you recognize an elephant on the moon?
from the big E on the spacesuit.

how did the crazy guy make it through the woods?
he took the cycle path.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a scotsman?
The Rolling Stones sang "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
A scotsman is more likely to say "Mey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't! You get down from a goose.

Re: A selection of BBS favorites!

[redbird]

Which reminds me:

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

[guppiecat]

You may also want to go here.

I once a full 6 hours on that site. That was one hell of a night.

[kythiaranos.livejournal.com]

Q. Where does a king keep his armies?

A. In his sleevies.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i've heard general instead of king, but yeah. also:

where does a general keep his armadillos?

in his sleevadillos!

[wshaffer.livejournal.com]

What happened when the farmer's daughter backed into the combine harvester?

Disaster.

(I was told this joke by Daniel's Grandpa Ludwig, so it has the grandfatherly terrible joke seal of approval. When Ludwig told me this joke, I was so surprised to hear it from such a solemn and serious man that I laughed until I nearly cried. Ludwig was delighted and astonished - he assured me that in years and years of telling that joke, he'd never gotten so much as a chuckle.)

[lotusice.livejournal.com]

*howls*

[madmanatw.livejournal.com]

"You know why toadstools grow so close together?

Because there isn't mush room.

I know, that was in spore humor.

I'm just trying to be a fungi."

[evangoer.livejournal.com]

The variation I heard:

A mushroom says to a lady in the bar, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" The lady says, "Sure, you look like a fungi."

[redbird]

Nothing of my own handy, but I just found this in jonquil's journal, as overheard in Penzey's:

Store owner: Thank you.
White-haired gentleman: Thank my mother for raising me right. [Pause] You'll have to get a shovel to see her, though.

[sraun]

Yorkie Golf. Fore! Yipyipyipyipyip.

And what my wife describes as the cleanest dirty joke she's ever heard.

These two Koreans were going to a conference in New York. They were told that they had to try a hot dog from the street vendors - it's wonderful food! So, the first day, they go out and find a vendor, and they each buy one. They step away, and then look at what they've got. The first turns to the second and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Q: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Potato.

A cop sees a woman knitting as she's driving down the street. He puts on his flashers, but she ignores him. She also ignores the siren. So he pulls up beside her and honks. She rolls down her window and he hollers, "PULL OVER!" And she yells back, "NO! IT'S A CARDIGAN!"

[rosefox]

A cop sees a woman knitting as she's driving down the street. He puts on his flashers, but she ignores him. She also ignores the siren. So he pulls up beside her and honks. She rolls down her window and he hollers, "PULL OVER!" And she yells back, "NO! IT'S A CARDIGAN!"

My mother-in-law sent me this joke yesterday, except in her version it was a blonde knitting a scarf. I'm amazed to see it still in such active circulation.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE. And it's NOT FUNNY.

[jimhines.livejournal.com]

I did a joke contest a little while back at http://jimhines.livejournal.com/425870.html and there were some good ones in the comments.

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

Q: What's red and green and goes 60 miles an hour?
A: A frog in a blender.

Q: What's red and green and brown and goes 60 miles an hour?
A: The same frog, a week later.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them apart from canaries.

Why couldn't the elephants play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was sitting on the deck.

Why don't elephants have feathers?
If they did, you would confuse them with ducks.

If you take your dog downtown, where should you leave him?
In a barking lot.

All my jokes are kids jokes. :)

[tanac.livejournal.com]

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: What's brown and comes in bottles?
A: Guinness Stoat

[aedifica]

Is having it be "stoat" instead of "stout" a typo or is it part of the joke?

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've got a great knock-knock joke. Ready? Okay, you start.

[sdn.livejournal.com]

I LOVE THIS ONE

[sdn.livejournal.com]

q. what is green and sings?
a. frank snotra.

q. what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a. a stick.

q. what happened to the plastic surgeon who stood too close to the fire?
a. he melted.

q. what do you call a cow with no legs?
a. ground beef.

i send health and bad jokes.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

That last one reminds me:

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no-eye deer.

(There's a third part involving the Word That Causes Movies To Be Rated R, which I will spare you, but it basically goes "still no frakkin' idea.")

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

So there's a guy sitting on his porch, watching the traffic go by. A rabbit starts to cross the street and gets hit by a car. The guy driving the car stops, gets out, opens his trunk and takes a bottle out. He goes over to the rabbit and empties the bottle over it, then throws the bottle into the the drainage ditch, gets back in his car and leaves.

The first guy is still staring, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, when the rabbit twitches and then sits up. It waves to the guy on the porch, then turns and hops a couple of steps. It turns back, waves again, turns and hops another couple steps. It keeps doing this until it's out of sight.

The guy goes to the drainage ditch and finds the bottle. The label says on the front: HARE RESTORER
And on the back:
WITH PERMANENT WAVE.

(Obviously, this is better as a spoken joke, so the homophone works properly.)

[Edited to get the timing right on the punchline.]

[rosefox]

The following is a true story.

I went to visit the_xtina in Boston and she mentioned a guy she was dating was throwing a party and had invited us. I had been wanting to meet him, so we went over to his place, hung out, barbecued in the back, all that jazz. I liked penghuin, he liked me, Xtina was happy to see us getting along well. Good times.

One of the other party-goers came back and said "Hey, penghuin, there's a bunny in your front yard!", so a bunch of us trooped around to the front and indeed there was a bunny there. It hopped a bit and nibbled on grass, as bunnies do. We cooed, as people do when looking at bunnies.

I turned to penghuin and said, "Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit?"

He eyed me suspiciously. (I love that people who have known me for all of two hours nonetheless know when to be suspicious.) "How?" he said.

"Unique up on it."

There was a pause. People nearby avoided meeting my eyes. The bunny twitched its nose and showed no signs of running away.

"Looks pretty tame," I said. "Do you know how to catch a tame rabbit?"

There was another pause. Finally, with an air of anticipated pain, penghuin said, "How?"

I shrugged. "Tame way," I said, "unique up on it."

Someday I would like to find that bunny and shake its paw. Its simple existence is the best straightline I've ever received.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

I think I may have told you this one before...do you know the string-walked-into-a-bar joke?

[txanne.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid not.

What's red and invisible?

[themagdalen.livejournal.com]

No tomatoes.

[carbonel]

What do you get if you kiss a bird?

Chirpes.

Which is a canarial disease.

And it's untweetable.

[zwol.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, this one can only be expressed in cartoon form:



(from http://tailsteak.com/archive.php?num=461 (http://tailsteak.com/archive.php?num=461))

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

These are the official Punchy Test jokes (you tell them at late-night social occasions. If people laugh, they're punchy. If you can't get through telling them because you're laughing so hard, it's really time for bed.)

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Monkey see, monkey do.

Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure.

(Sorry.)

-Nameseeker

[madmanatw.livejournal.com]

Heh, we had a similar concept- we were too sleep depped if the word "hamburger" out of context was hilarious. This state was known as, of course, "hamburger", as in- "Uh oh, I've been awake for 28 hours and I am officially hamburger."

The state after hamburger is "Bob".

Somewhere around there is the state wherein this joke is the funniest thing ever:

"Q:What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Where's my tractor?"

(Actually, for proper sleep-dep testing the answer is "where the f***'s my tractor?" but the thread is for PG-13 jokes.)

[madmanatw.livejournal.com]

I considered replying to this with just the punchline "Are you sure? I'm positive!" and wondered if enough of us all know the same jokes well enough that we could turn this into an orphaned punchlines thread and have it still be just as useful.