Not, it turns out, coals to Newcastle.

[mrissa]

Last night I was talking to someone dear to me and said that family friends had been bringing food by all day. "Because otherwise you'd starve to death," she said in a fond teasing tone, because she knows what cooks and bakers we are in this family. Except--look. Grandma was eating hospital food for a month before Grandpa died. We bought milk and juice the morning after we got here, so when Grandpa died, here is what we had in the house: diminishing supply of milk. Diminishing supply of juice. Cans of stewed tomatoes. Macaroni. Three brownies and a muffin we had brought with us. Condiments.

Seriously, there were a few more things, but not much more. So we were immensely grateful when my aunt Kathy brought boiled dinner over on the night Grandpa died, we were astonishingly grateful when the neighbors brought over dinner the night after, and we have been overcome with gratitude for every single thing brought since.

Could we order out for a pizza? Sure. That would require deciding on pizza, deciding on a pizza place, etc. Could we go grocery shopping and cook? Sure, Grandma did pick up some more groceries. But every able-bodied person here is occupied all day and all evening with tasks for the memorial service and for the basic practical necessities of dealing with a death. We do not have time, and we do not have energy--for making food or for deciding on it. I can't speak for Mom and Grandma, but I am at the stage where if I didn't eat what was put in front of me, I might well not eat; if someone was trying to be nice and said, "What would you like?", I would stare blankly at them, because what I would like is so far disconnected from food that the question feels ridiculous.

So please, for heaven's sake, do not decide that the tradition of taking food to grieving families is old-fashioned and silly, and do not decide not to do it if the grieving family is composed of more avid bakers or cooks than you are. We have gotten some wonderful things from friends and neighbors, but it turns out that I don't care that they're wonderful. I care that they are hot and in front of me and do not require me to make choices. Wonderful is a bonus. We are mostly all eating the same thing, because it's easier to just take one hotdish out of the fridge and one salad and use them up before they go bad and take another thing out of the freezer when it's called for. Sorting through to choose who likes this and who would prefer that is not something any of us has emotional energy for at the moment. We decided which hotdish to eat last night by noting which one was still hot. We will probably decide on lunch by picking up the thing that is on the top of the stack in the fridge and dishing out servings for each of us.

Also, do not be paralyzed by not knowing whether there are allergies or dietary concerns. In many cases, the grieving family will be feeding relatives and friends who have dropped by or come in from out of town. My mother is allergic to walnuts. It's entirely possible that some of the bars people brought us have walnuts in. Mom is being careful about that, and the potentially walnut-endowed stuff will get eaten by someone else. I promise. Of course if you know that someone has a gluten intolerance or is allergic to onions or doesn't eat meat, you should tailor what you bring to that. But not knowing is not a reason for not doing.

Finally, if you realio trulio do not cook or bake, bring something boughten, or bring paper goods. One of my parents' best friends brought paper plates, plastic cups, plastic cutlery. This is good. We don't have to worry about running the dishwasher in the middle of people's condolence calls. One of the neighbors brought a boughten veggie dip and veggie tray. Did we disdain this for not being homemade, for not taking great amounts of work? No, we fell upon it with grateful cries. It was fresh food, and we did not have to work to get it, and that's what's called for right now.

Comments

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

Thank you. My default for all manner of celebrations and sorrows is "bring food" but I keep suppressing it because of all of the above -- dietary restrictions, will they think I'm saying they can't feed themselves, will they feel the need to reciprocate (this is the big one). What would I do without your insight? Not even kidding.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Seriously: do not talk yourself out of kindness.

[coalboy.livejournal.com]

The other thing you can do is include the recipe. Then any allegens will be identified and avoided by the allergic.

[redbird]

You said it, sister.

When my grandfather died, I went down to Russ and Daughters and bought a whole smoked whitefish for my grandmother, mother, and aunts to have for themselves and visitors (which, yes, included me for part of it) while they were sitting shivah: something I knew everyone liked, which (a) contained protein and (b) required no cooking.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

What a great idea~ I was just thinking lox would be good.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reminder.

[poeticalpanther.livejournal.com]

When I bring food in those circs, I simply make sure to take the time to add a label, indicating what's in it. It's not that much of a time-investment, and certainly can be helpful in deciding who eats what.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

That's a very good idea. Even if people don't have dietary concerns, having four hotdishes in the fridge with similar topping or four soups with similar base color will make people go, "Wait, which one is this now?"

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Wish I could send virtual pie and casserole, but here at least are hugs.

Another option for the noncooks: plates of cold cuts, bread, cheese, pickles, etc. That's really good also when there's someone sick in the family.

[shana.livejournal.com]

If I can't get there in person, I try to send a fruit basket.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

It was really hard for me not to be able to cook to good effect when a dear friend lost his girlfriend unexpectedly, both in their mid-20s. He was in the Midwest and I was in California at the time. I ended up shipping a bunch of heat-and-eat stuff from Trader Joe's.

[laurel]

I'm glad that people still do this and thank you for mentioning why it's a Good Thing.

It's a rare thing for our family to have had anyone bring us any sort of food after family deaths and other tough stuff and I know it would've been very welcome and helpful. I remember the leftover turkey sandwiches and cake and such stuff from the post-funeral lunches in the church basement as being incredibly welcome. The church ladies who took care of that stuff and packed the leftovers up for us were a godsend. When friends of my Grandpa Krahn's brought us pasta, it was really welcome.

We usually ended up ordering pizza and hitting drive-thrus a lot if I recall correctly; fortunately someone somehow managed that. I was completely on my own when my Grandma O died and I'm still not sure how I got through those days of making arrangements, etc. until my parents and brother arrived.

[orbitalmechanic.livejournal.com]

Amen! When we first came home with V., people brought us food and we were SO HAPPY. We are the cooking-est people in nearly all our family-and-friends circle but here is what we cooked those first few weeks: toast. Tortellini from a box (high effort). Pizza delivery (we have a routine so no decisions). Oh god, to think of cooking in those days is depressing even now.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. It's not just sad times that require hotdish and bars and muffins and such. Arrival of new babies by whatever means is another good time for it.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

When Zorinth was born everybody gave us pretty baby clothes of the kind that have to be handwashed and they grow out of in two weeks, or else toys. My aunt showed up with two quiches, and while she was there, she cleaned the oven. There's a reason she's my favourite relative.

[pnkrokhockeymom.livejournal.com]

Oh my yes. In the first few weeks after MIL's aneurysm burst, when we were all sitting around wondering if she would make it, everyone kept asking what we needed. It was food. My house was closest to the hospital and we were all there all day every day, and then ten people would come by the house. Ex husband and FIL were too distracted and upset to REMEMBER To EAT. The first night we didn't sleep in the hospital, a cousin brought over chili and the bf and child went to the store and brought snacks. The second, the bf brought up purchased foodstuffs. A friend sent me over four or five "feeds six" frozen one-pots that I could use when we had unexpected hospital related company, and because FIL and ex were staying with us so much of the time. All of it (even things I couldn't eat because of allergies) was SO APPRECIATED.

And no one would ask for food, because we weren't thinking about food. When she was in her seven hour surgery, we asked if folks were hungry. Only the child wanted food. He and I went down and brought up a GIANT VARIETY of foods for the folks waiting around, anyway, and they ate every bit of it once they could see it there, in front of them.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yah. Exactly. When I was at the hospital, I tried to bring up the topic of food at regular intervals, because waiting for hunger cues, my usual mode, was not going to work for any of us. Alternately we would try to plan meals in part around when I was able to get back to the house to do my PT, so that they didn't get forgotten.

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

We had so much pasta salad that it took a long time for any of us to be able to even look at it again, but we were still grateful to have it at the time.

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is also the case in your neck of the woods, but here in the Appalachians it's also an old tradition that you gather family and other loved ones around the food, whatever it is, making it your centerpiece for reminiscing about the one who just passed away.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

For the non-cooks: One of the best things we got when mom was recovering from her masectomy was an Edible Arrangement (http://www.ediblearrangements.com/) (cut up fresh fruit made to look like flowers). It was pretty, it was tasty, it was healthy, and it took no work at all. We ate it ourselves and added some vitamins to what was, at that time, a not-terribly balanced diet, and we served it to visitors.

Another good present she got was a week of delivery dinners from a local pizza/subs/pasta joint (one of the few places in her town that delivers).

[elsue.livejournal.com]

AMEN!

When my brother died, a neighbor started us off with a deli platter from a local supermarket--we *needed* it. Many friends brought food--sometimes labeled with not only ingredients but instructions about freezing and cooking.

Got us through a dreadful time.

[brooksmoses]

Yes, that, exactly. All of it.

I'm very glad to hear that you're being properly taken care of.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I am glad people who care about you are pitching in to help take care of your family. Grieving is hard. My general approach to unknown allergies is to tape labels (to casseroles, brownies, whatever) with the list of ingredients under the name.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

In far less tragic circumstances, I have said, "I am too tired to decide." So, yes.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Yes, and yes, and yes. During October, when I was spending my days at the hospital with Soren, local friends stocked the refrigerator with salads, wraps, soups, granola bars, and the kitchen with paper goods and bottled waters. And over the past five months, other friends have cooked lasagnas, soups, stews... I don't know if I'd have survived nearly as well if I'd been left to my own devices for food in October, or even now.

(Also, coyotegoth has come over several times and matter-of-factly done all the dishes in the sink, and local friends have picked up and done laundry. Never underestimate the gift of helping maintain a household....)

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Sitting shiva always strikes me as an eminently sensible custom .... because where the custom doesn't exist (under whatever name) the people mourning end up doing the same thing anyway, but other people around don't understand the role they play. Also, I like the idea of setting the expectation that you don't *have* to do anything but be overwhelmed for a little while.

It was kind of tricky when my grandmother-in-law died, in a town so tiny that it has about two restaurants and one grocery store. Three of us ended up going out and foraging, bringing home a fairly strange variety - but as you say, it all got eaten

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, and I would only add that it's a good idea to err on the side of proteins and vegetables rather than sweets. When my father died, we ended up with three different offerings of cake with burnt-sugar icing--and one of them was two 9" loaf pound cakes stuck together. I don't know about the others, but it was years before I could face up to any more cake with burnt-sugar icing.

The man who showed up with a bucket of fried chicken was greeted as a hero. Never mind that it wasn't homemade--we were ready for something on the substantial side.