I'm the decider. The meta-decider. Something like that.

[mrissa]

Aside from the obvious grieving things that I expected, which are, as one would expect, pretty crappy, the one I've noticed a lot is decision paralysis. Usually I'm really good at, "Fine, then, let's do thing x instead of thing y," or, "And then I will read book z," and that's that, no problem. The last few weeks...not so much.

When I can, I've been forcing decisions externally. Tonight, for example, we are having tacos for dinner, because markgritter grated too much cheese for his lunch omelette. Is this important cheese? No. Not at all. But we are seizing upon whatever impetus for decision comes our way, and this makes the rest of the week fall into place: have to have stroganoff tomorrow because it's the thing I've got enough ingredients for to feed a larger number, green beans and biscuits with it because there's enough and that way they will get eaten before the beans and the buttermilk go bad. Then brats on Monday so the brat buns don't go stale, and a pan each of roasted asparagus and roasted yams with them so the asparagus gets used up and the oven is used efficiently. External plans Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday; Wednesday Swedish meatballs so the really nice cream doesn't go bad and the potatoes get used before they get shriveledy. Thursday pizza because it will be Maundy Thursday and that is my own personal Maundy Thursday aesthetic and also low-effort going into Minicon. (This is an unusually wintry cooking week for me, and also low-seafood, but my mom is eating with us and has a fish allergy, and we like all of these things and can have fish some other time.)

If I was doing better with decision-making, I wouldn't have to stack things up so the bits would all fall like that. But I am, so it's very useful to have it work that way. Books ditto: usually choosing a book is a pleasure, not a chore. Right now, having reason to say, "this library book is due next, so I will read it next, and after that the one I've borrowed from someone else," is a relief.

I wonder if this is actually the same thing as being decisive usually, only at the next level up: being good at setting up situations so that these things happen automatically. Or at least quasi-automatically.

What I have not been able to work out very well so far is that writing fiction includes a really rather large number of decisions, minute to minute and word to word. Most of the time my process of them is such that I'm not processing them as decisions on a conscious level, I'm just doing it. (Um. I really hope I haven't infected anybody with a caterpillar problem by phrasing it that way.) I have managed to get some writing done, but what I have not managed is overcoming the decision problems with it. Some of this I am handling by doing something I had outlined already. That doesn't fix the problem, but it fixes part of the problem: I had already known that Tur would get stuck where he did not want to be, and would have to solve someone else's problems accidentally instead of his own, and even what, more or less, that entailed. What I had not already decided was which word went after which other word. And I can still do that. But it's harder than it usually is. I think being conscious of it is helpful. But I'm not really sure. I seem to be stuck with that consciousness for the time being, so I can hope it's helpful, because it's what I've got.

Comments

[mkille.livejournal.com]

"I wonder if this is actually the same thing as being decisive usually, only at the next level up: being good at setting up situations so that these things happen automatically. Or at least quasi-automatically."

I find myself in periods where I make decisions at one remove: this is the thing taking up the most mental space, so I will do this other thing as the most justifiable less-overwhelming thing. And so I will not actively decide to do a particular thing, but rather to add a strategically large different thing to my plate, so as to shove that first thing into the second-place slot, i.e., the de facto first slot. This was an unconscious pattern that I became aware of and have tried to use to my advantage, even though I feel ridiculous every time I do. Ridiculous but productive seems better than dignified and paralyzed.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Ridiculous but productive seems better than dignified and paralyzed.

I can get behind that.

[redbird]

Not quite the same thing, but I've discussed the merits of displacement activity with, among other people, rysmiel: I once did some cleaning I really didn't like as an excuse to put off working on my income tax forms, and rysmiel is capable of getting any number of other things done if there's a particularly annoying task at their job.

[fredcritter.livejournal.com]

… writing fiction includes a really rather large number of decisions, minute to minute and word to word.

Wow, you're right! Huh. I never (consciously) noticed that. No wonder I feel so totally incapable of writing fiction! Wow. Interesting. Thanks.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Glad to be of assistance!

[txanne.livejournal.com]

...oh. Bratwurst. At first I thought you meant that noisy children were coming to supper.

That's how I menu-plan at the best of times--as opposed to going, "huh, no milk, so I can't have cereal. Popcorn it is!"

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

No noisy children, just two good children for one of the meals. Well, okay, they are sometimes good noisy children. But never brats.

[themagdalen.livejournal.com]

Your recipe logic made me smile in recognition.
When I am feeling overwhelmed or emotionally taxed, I find it MUCH easier to problem-solve for some givens (however constraining- perhaps the more the better) than to identify a preference of my own. Different kinds of mental effort.

[shweta-narayan.livejournal.com]

Same.
I go into a panicky "But what if I'm missing something" mode without constraints, when I'm generally not doing well.

[seabream.livejournal.com]

I think being conscious of it is helpful. But I'm not really sure. I seem to be stuck with that consciousness for the time being, so I can hope it's helpful, because it's what I've got.

Um. Ye-e-e... Um. I think that the best that I can do with this at the moment is to say that I am familiar with this relational process, though often writing is often not the 'it' it is being applied to and 'usually' probably means something different too. Also that I am glad that you are finding things to write here that are mostly some combination of good, useful, practical and kind for people to read and in some cases apply.

[orbitalmechanic.livejournal.com]

I cook that way all summer long, because of our farmshare. I LOVE IT. I'm thrashing a little right now, without that pressure.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I can't get the guys to agree on a farmshare because of that pressure; they'd both rather go to the farmer's market and pick what we want to work with than have to work around someone else's choice. And I see their point, I guess. It just still appeals to me as a stunt-cooking sort of thing.

I think one of the reasons it appeals to me is that in my imagination it has lots of vegetables I've never heard of (unlikely: I've heard of a lot of vegetables) and no zucchini.

[orbitalmechanic.livejournal.com]

I imagine you would have heard of everything in our farmshare, I had, although I didn't know how to use everything. I like it because the farmers are adorable, and because it's more vegetables than I would get otherwise, and because I've really gotten into the seasonality, the way certain vegetables come all in a glut and then are gone. Also out farmer's markets tend to be very expensive, so if I didn't have a farmshare I probably would end up at the grocery store a lot more.

If you actually wanted to know what a given CSA in your area will grow, I am CERTAIN that you could chat with one of their farmers to find out.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Oh yah, we know what we could get. It's just that nobody else has a pressing urge to figure out how to eat that much chard.

[orbitalmechanic.livejournal.com]

Oh, good call. I don't really want to deal with that much chard either.

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how brief a trip it is from "chard" to "Well, that's more chard than I want to think about".

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

I would like to try that version of stunt-cooking, but maybe only for a few weeks. I'm not very good at planning for an entire week. I like zucchini, though.

I had the same problem with decision-making. It felt like I didn't have the energy to make any decisions for a while. I was too exhausted to make a decision--I just needed an autopilot for a while.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

Decision paralysis is actually a recognized symptom of grief. Not kidding; I've done a little research.

Symptom is a weird word. A RESULT of grief. How's that?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Heh. Yah, I've heard that phrasing in most usages, too, and it's weird to me as well. I don't really want to medicalize grief. It is not a thing to be cured. It is not a disorder, it is a well-ordered reaction to the situation. And there are people who have biochemical depression triggered by situational sadness, but I think the two are at the very least distinguishable in the end cases, even if there is overlap.