Barnstorming on an Invisible Segway

Hospital conversations I have known and loved-

#1 NICU nurse, pointing at me: Who is this?

Parent 1: Our minister
Parent 2: My labor coach

Nurse: Which? Or both?

Parents: Both

Nurse: Huh. She'll have to-

Me: Sign in, scrub in, gown, mask, dispose of same, scrub out, sign out?

Nurse: Not your first time at the rodeo, Reverend?

#2

Same nurse, six days later upon checkout: This little girl sure has one big family.

Parent: Errr. well...

Nurse: You didn't fool anyone, you know.

Me: But you didn't rat us out?

Nurse: We watched you. And all of you were so polite. And so obviously *praying* for her... it just didn't seem important. (pause) Never tell what hospital this happened at, okay?

#3 Scene: an oncology ward

Nurse, pointing at me: And is this a relative?

Patient: Uh...

Me: This is the person who was in their wedding and who has quit her job to sit with her so her husband can stand to keep working to keep their insurance. I'll be here every day from 8 AM to 6PM.

Nurse: I'll write down cousin. That way no one is surprised if the last names don't match.

#4 Scene: an oncology ward- reverse airlock room. Doorway to hall begins to open.

Me, throwing myself at the door: STOP! You have to come in the other door and follow the scrub in procedure!

(Scrub room door opens so quickly it is clear he hasn't scrubbed. I hit the call button.)

Me, throwing myslef at the second door: STOP! You have to scrub and gown! It's for the patient's safety!

Unidentified, unscrubbed visitor: I'm her minister! She called me! Who are you?

Me: No, you aren't. No, she didn't. And I am the person who is trying to keep you from exposing her to something that could kill her!

Patient: Oh hell, that's my mother's minister. I told her I didn't want him here.

Disembodied voice from nurse's station: Is everything all right in there?

Me: No. We have some bozo who thinks that his clerical collar means he doesn't have to scrub in.

Nurse's voice: Nor sign in, apparently. Which means he either doesn't have or just lost his visiting rights on this ward. I'm sending security to escort him from the building.

Minister: Do you know who I am?

Nurse's voioce: You're the guy I'm going to call the cops on if he doesn't shut up and go quietly.