made to be broken

[mrissa]

markgritter has labeled me Chaotic Good, which is a little strange considering that I am the force of organization in this house. (Anybody agree/disagree with him there?)

Here's how it came up, and I think this is important: yesterday I encountered someone who was not sure she was "family enough" to count in the "family only for ICU visits" rule for someone close to her. She definitely is, but I was boggled that this even came up, and frankly it was pretty upsetting. Important life lesson, people: you do not have to follow rules simply because someone else has gone to the trouble of making them.

If someone you love is in an ICU where they have a "family only" rule, and you know they want to see you, and you can be quiet and respectful of the other patients, congratulations! You are now their Cousin Cynthia. Or their Uncle Frank. Or whatever the hell else you want to be. Because the family only rule is not there because ICU patients benefit only from seeing people with specific blood or legal ties to them. It's there to keep the number of visitors down so the staff can work and the other patients aren't being disturbed by wild ICU parties. The first night my grandpa was in the ICU, my aunt Kathy came up to stay with him and my mom, and when I say "aunt," I mean "person who has no legal or blood relationship with me whatsoever." And my mom, without turning a hair, said to the night nurse, "This is my sister-in-law." Here's what this semi-fib did: it gave the night nurse a leg to stand on if anybody administrative challenged her on who was in Mr. Adams's room and/or the family lounge, and it expressed the closeness of my aunt Kathy to Mom and Grandpa without giving the night nurse the impression that she was someone who should be consulted with my mother equally on Grandpa's care. And on Grandpa's last Saturday with us, it was Grandma's "niece" Vicki (again, no relation) who stayed with her while we drove into the wee hours of the morning to get there. Was that rule there so that a person whose husband was dying would have to sit alone and wait? No. Hell no. And if it was, I don't care; that is not my problem. I had a dozen or more really major problems that night, and strict adherence to hospital guidelines was not anywhere on the list.

You know what else? Grandpa had c. diff., and I took off the gloves to hold his hand on the day he was dying and the day before that. You bet your ass I did. I didn't touch anything else while I had the gloves off, and I washed up like crazy after, but did I make my grandpa's last contact with me come through latex or nitrile? No. No. A thousand times no, a million times no. I am not high-risk for infection, I followed the anti-infection procedures better than some members of the hospital staff in that regard, and I am a competent adult human being with my own judgment. They can make their rules. I make mine.

I know some of you are facing medical issues. Do not let them intimidate you pointlessly. Things are bad enough when you're dealing with a crisis without deciding that a spirit of legalism must inform your doings. Your first obligations are moral and interpersonal, not regulatory.

Comments

[saoba.livejournal.com]

Hospital conversations I have known and loved-

#1 NICU nurse, pointing at me: Who is this?

Parent 1: Our minister
Parent 2: My labor coach

Nurse: Which? Or both?

Parents: Both

Nurse: Huh. She'll have to-

Me: Sign in, scrub in, gown, mask, dispose of same, scrub out, sign out?

Nurse: Not your first time at the rodeo, Reverend?

#2

Same nurse, six days later upon checkout: This little girl sure has one big family.

Parent: Errr. well...

Nurse: You didn't fool anyone, you know.

Me: But you didn't rat us out?

Nurse: We watched you. And all of you were so polite. And so obviously *praying* for her... it just didn't seem important. (pause) Never tell what hospital this happened at, okay?

#3 Scene: an oncology ward

Nurse, pointing at me: And is this a relative?

Patient: Uh...

Me: This is the person who was in their wedding and who has quit her job to sit with her so her husband can stand to keep working to keep their insurance. I'll be here every day from 8 AM to 6PM.

Nurse: I'll write down cousin. That way no one is surprised if the last names don't match.

#4 Scene: an oncology ward- reverse airlock room. Doorway to hall begins to open.

Me, throwing myself at the door: STOP! You have to come in the other door and follow the scrub in procedure!

(Scrub room door opens so quickly it is clear he hasn't scrubbed. I hit the call button.)

Me, throwing myslef at the second door: STOP! You have to scrub and gown! It's for the patient's safety!

Unidentified, unscrubbed visitor: I'm her minister! She called me! Who are you?

Me: No, you aren't. No, she didn't. And I am the person who is trying to keep you from exposing her to something that could kill her!

Patient: Oh hell, that's my mother's minister. I told her I didn't want him here.

Disembodied voice from nurse's station: Is everything all right in there?

Me: No. We have some bozo who thinks that his clerical collar means he doesn't have to scrub in.

Nurse's voice: Nor sign in, apparently. Which means he either doesn't have or just lost his visiting rights on this ward. I'm sending security to escort him from the building.

Minister: Do you know who I am?

Nurse's voioce: You're the guy I'm going to call the cops on if he doesn't shut up and go quietly.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Heh.

And that's what I meant when I said it gave the nurse a leg to stand on with administrative questions: most medical staff are not actually very concerned with the niceties of relationships, they're concerned that the people who are present are being responsible, respectful, and reasonably caring. They don't want to be rules lawyers, so if we give them a way not to, all for the best.

I'm amused at the idea that last names should match, though. I have my parents and one other relative surnamed Lingen that I see on anything like a regular basis, and it's been like that my whole life. I have a very large family and see lots of them--but it's relationships like "dad's father's sister who changed her name upon marriage; her husband and daughter" and "mom's mother's sister's son, who has his father's name." With markgritter's family, at least we do see his Gritter grandparents, and he has two brothers we see, and we're in touch with a couple of aunts who are surnamed Gritter and like that. But with my original last name, the one I actually use, it's a darn good thing all the aunties I introduce my friends to want to be called "Aunt so-and-so" rather than "Mrs. whatever," because there's no way my friends could guess their last names.

[timprov.livejournal.com]

Whereas almost everyone related to me who I would be willing to see is named Cooper.