Hedge Words

[mrissa]

Tip #17 for Dealing With Mrissas:

If you're going to ask me an extremely personal question, just ask it. Do not hedge with "you don't have to answer this if you don't want to." I know I don't. I don't need permission to decide what comes out of my own mouth. Giving me your permission to respond as I see fit is patronizing and more likely to make me go Scandosotan and clam up on you. It's less likely to get your question answered, and it's less likely to get me to volunteer similar information later on.

(Even "I hope you don't mind my asking" is a safer hedge with me, because it indicates that you know you may have crossed a line in asking, not that I may have crossed a line in refusing to answer.)

I'm perfectly capable of saying, "I don't think that's any of your business" or "I prefer not to answer that question" or "I'm not going to talk about that right now" or "My goodness, why on earth would you ask me that?" I'm perfectly capable of carrying on a civilized conversation afterwards. I won't hold it against you if you ask a question I don't want to answer, unless you keep asking or act like I owe you the information. But I don't need your permission to speak or not to speak. EVER. That's not the world we're living in. And acting like you're handing out permission where you have no authority is not a good way to deal with me.

Comments

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I think the statement is not about permission, but about politeness -- or reducing awkwardness. I understand that the phrase bothers you, but I just can't imagine something thinking: "Well, this person needs my permission before she can decide whether or not to answer the question, so I'm going to make sure she knows that she has my personal permission not to answer the question."

B

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I know it isn't conscious, but it grates on me all the same. I think it goes with an underlying mindset that not sharing exceptionally personal information with all comers should be the exception rather than the norm. I usually try to parse it as "intended politeness marker, please respond in kind," but sometimes I no longer have the patience to do that after the Nth time.

If someone is feeling awkward and impolite about asking me extremely detailed questions about my sex life out of the clear blue sky (to take the example that set off this post), maybe they should pay attention to those feelings and consider that pushing the awkwardness off on me is not their best or most polite choice. And that sometimes questions are just too personal for a friendship, regardless of whether the person "has to" answer them or not.

I probably would handle it better if I heard it more often in contexts where I didn't really mind answering the question or at least could understand why the person asking it wanted the information (other than "sheer snoopiness"). But mostly in my experience it has popped up in situations where the person is just being unreasonably nosey, and I think nosiness is generally too well-regarded already.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

oh yeah, context is everything. Mostly I get these types of qualifiers because someone is curious about my visual impairment (Which by the way, I'm happy answer any questions about). I guess that they are concerned that I will somehow be offended by their curiousity. However, ask me a personal question about my sex life, and the best you can hope for is a quirked eyebrow and a facial expression conveying the question, "Why are you asking me this?" Worst case I'll tell you it's none of you business, so bugger off. Really, there's curiousity of a potentially sensitive subject (which I'm generally okay with), then there's just plain old snoopiness (which I'm not generally okay with). I think this goes with your comment of; I think it goes with an underlying mindset that not sharing exceptionally personal information with all comers should be the exception rather than the norm. it does seem as I've gotten older that more people expect you to just share any old personal information with them if they ask. I wonder where the they got that crazy idea?
In Peace
Michael

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

And you did open this comment with "Tip #17 for Dealing With Mrissas," and not "Tip #17 for Dealing With People."

B

[aet.livejournal.com]

I guess I see this kind of disclaimer more like leaving the door open or saving ones own face for feeling good. And from that point of view I would not mind the stranger out of blue doing that (the little mantra to feel good:"I will not feel sad, embarrassed or neglected if I do not get answer to those random questions"), but I would feel irritated if a friend would do something like that to me ...

I guess I am just too self-centered to pay attention ... or, may-be, coming from background where there were many authorities that COULD make you answer, I feel it hard to be bothered in situations when the person telling me about things I have or have not to do has no power over me in fact (I just feel all powerful once again - sure, I do not HAVE to!).

[blzblack.livejournal.com]

I agree with Minnehaha. I suspect they're trying to be polite. But I'll try to remember how I phrase such a comment in the future. If I mess up, please forgive.

The context you mention does sound problematic and may have more to do with how one may have misused what most mean to be a polite way of asking something difficult.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

Thinking about this more, there's a lot going on. In conversation, when someone asks you a question there is a generally assumed social obligation to reply. If you asked me a question and I ignored you, I would be the rude one...not you. Given that, it seems reasonable for there to be some phrase that mitigates the social obligation.

Although I think the sentiment that it's the context that matters is dead on.

Interesting.

B