Hedge Words

[mrissa]

Tip #17 for Dealing With Mrissas:

If you're going to ask me an extremely personal question, just ask it. Do not hedge with "you don't have to answer this if you don't want to." I know I don't. I don't need permission to decide what comes out of my own mouth. Giving me your permission to respond as I see fit is patronizing and more likely to make me go Scandosotan and clam up on you. It's less likely to get your question answered, and it's less likely to get me to volunteer similar information later on.

(Even "I hope you don't mind my asking" is a safer hedge with me, because it indicates that you know you may have crossed a line in asking, not that I may have crossed a line in refusing to answer.)

I'm perfectly capable of saying, "I don't think that's any of your business" or "I prefer not to answer that question" or "I'm not going to talk about that right now" or "My goodness, why on earth would you ask me that?" I'm perfectly capable of carrying on a civilized conversation afterwards. I won't hold it against you if you ask a question I don't want to answer, unless you keep asking or act like I owe you the information. But I don't need your permission to speak or not to speak. EVER. That's not the world we're living in. And acting like you're handing out permission where you have no authority is not a good way to deal with me.

Comments

Re: need for body contact

[aet.livejournal.com]

OK, then I would approach the same issue from other side (and I am NOT , above or here, telling about right to touch me, but why I should not refuse to be touched because being touched feels just slightly uncomfortable to me).

There are many things that feel uncomfortable to me, but what I should do anyway to not discomfort others around me. Living in society is tit for tat thing - I expect others to give up some of their comfort for me ,too. They can touch me in public transport, but sometimes they have to suffer my bad smell or coughing or a whiny baby with muddy boots, too. Giving up ones comfort is never one sided in society.

Also, I do fear that one of the reasons for many of my problems is that, recalling my own problems with being touched, I have become afraid to touch anyone else when I, myself, long for that. In fact that may be one of the reasons my marriage fell apart.

Re: need for body contact

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

There is a big, big difference to me between "need for human contact" and "accidentally brushing against someone on the bus."

Whatever problems you feel you've had with being touched, I think putting them in terms of other people's rights is not the best possible thing.

Re: need for body contact

[aet.livejournal.com]

But, Marissa, what does it have to do with accidentally brushing? Do not tell you people do not talk to you in bus, putting their hand on your knee or shoulder or hand when they do so! Especially older people, with dry papery skin like to hold into the younger people whom they talking to.

Re: need for body contact

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

No, Aet, this is a cultural difference. No one would put their hand on my knee on the bus unless they were trying to pick me up. No one would hold my hand unless we were already involved. We don't do that here.

Re: need for body contact

[aet.livejournal.com]

That makes me wonder - why is it OK to hug someone whom you see first time in USA, but touching hand, shoulder or knee is forbidden? At least over here a hug is considered a lot more intimate contact (only boyfriends and Americans have hugged me, ever ... and my aunt during her son's funeral, but funeral is an exception of usual rules, i think ...)

Re: need for body contact

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

In my experience, it is only people you already are supposed to know or be close with for some reason who get hugged on first meeting. So people I have talked with on the internet extensively will hug me hello, if they know me well online but just haven't met me in person. Even some of them don't.

The only other example I can think of is when you meet someone who is likely to be marrying into your family. Then the women might hug. My godfather's girlfriend hugged me when she was introduced to me, but I was not entirely thrilled with that.

My aunties hug me every time they see me, but they would not put a hand on my knee. And they might touch my hand in conversation, but they wouldn't hold my hand.