Complimentary problems

[mrissa]

I have figured out one of the hard things about taking compliments.

For a large-ish portion of my life to date -- thankfully decreasing as a percent every day -- almost all compliments carried with them implicit negative comparisons. It couldn't just be, "What a great dress on you!" It was almost always, "What a great dress on you! I could never wear something like that, it would make me look like [a cow/a wall/some other negative thing]." Some of the girls who learned this pattern were being perfectly sincere, and that was bad, because who wants to make their friends or even their cordial acquaintances feel worse just by showing up? And some of them were fishing for compliments, which was bad, too, because it made it feel like they wouldn't have brought the subject up to begin with otherwise. And you certainly can't smile and say, "Thanks!" when someone had just said, "You look great and I look terrible!"; not unless you dislike them and want them to think they look terrible. You can't feel warm and fuzzy about it. You have to go into caretaker mode -- um, maybe that part is just me, actually -- and try to make it all better, and later when you think of it, that's what you think, not "so-and-so liked my dress."

(Boys were much less of an issue. I think most teenage boys had the feeling that complimenting a girl would be equivalent to publicly offering to raise children with her or something like that: a large commitment of interest at the very least. And many girls seemed to reinforce that belief, so. Men of my acquaintance have a firm grasp on the difference between, "Nice dress" and "please reproduce with me," and for this I am deeply grateful.)

So now when matociquala pops up today saying I would Stop Traffic (caps hers) if I bought a corset at World Fantasy as I have threatened to do, it is a delightful relief that her own traffic stopping abilities are not in question here simply because she has raised the subject of mine. (I mean, the Bear, the jade green corset, the boobs, and did I mention that it was green? And did I also mention the boobs? So: not in question, really.) It's just unadulterated nice. It's very cool but also fairly new. I'm still practicing with this bit.

This is almost certainly not the only problem I have with taking compliments, but it's on the list.

I also tend to want to verify that people know that they're totally making up who is pretty and who is not. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be making it up, I just want to know that they know they're doing it. Social construct and all that. Standards and tastes vary etc. Everybody got it? Okay then.

Comments

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

I'm looking in a cerebral way at an emotional response. Admiration is our emotional reaction to something. I think we humans tend to share an innate sense of admiration for things that work well. Effectiveness may not be the best term, but it does approach the meaning I'm trying to convey. 'Effective at what?' is a good question, and the answer varies according to the subject. A sunset is an effective visual representation of the environment (relative to the solar system) that's most effective at keeping humans alive.

Since so many people see glamorized models as beautiful I tend to wonder what it is that their look is effectively doing. Obviously 'selling' comes to mind, but also connotations that suggest the look promotes whole industries (of fashion et alia), and even social institutions that rely on over-emphasizing gender differences to a ridiculous extent.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

That approach to the beauty of a sunset hadn't occurred to me, I admit. I'm not sure I'd agree that what people are responding to in the sunset is its representation of physics, though.

I think what the beauty cult is doing is making women look healthiest. Or "healthiest," perhaps I should say. For a trait to evolve it either has to help humans survive or (in this case) reproduce, or come along with some other trait that does. Figuring out what the truth is, is the rub, of course, but the most obvious possibility is that symmetry, flawless skin (thanks nowadays to the airbrush) a good figure and large breasts are sexually all symbols of healthiness and likeliness to reproduce (and produce healthy offspring). And this isn't particularly new; ancient Egyptian statues make it clear that fair skin was prized in women (staying inside to raise the chilluns) and tanned skin in men (getting out there and slayin' the brontosaurus).

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Good health is certainly a factor in beauty. I make a distinction between 'beauty' and 'glamor,' though, because the second has less to do with genuine health and the ability to reproduce than it does with using biological urges to promote economic interests.