Things You Don't Want People To Say When You Read at a Friend's Wedding

[mrissa]

(Upon continuing the preliminary search for dresses online)

1. "Oh, are they having a Brownie troop meeting here? How sweet!"

2. "They got talking cleavage to do a reading? That's kind of weird. Oh...no...wait...I think I can see a person back there. Maybe."

3. "There are lighthouses printed on her dress. Light...houses. Printed. On her dress. Um. Why?"

4. "Do you know when she's due?"

5. "That's definitely a dress. Or a shirt. One or the other, I'm almost sure."

6. "That's definitely a dress. Or some curtains. One or the other, I'm almost sure."

7. "Is she still alive? She sounds alive, but...."

8. "Is that hole a design element, or did she have a near-fatal run-in with a knight on horseback on the way to the wedding?"

9. "I don't know how many thousands of chiffonlets died to make that, but it was too many."

10. "I don't know how many thousands of chiffonlets died to make that, but it was not enough."

There is, however, a possibility. *song from choirs of angels*

Comments

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

Oh you make me laugh. *g*

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

We have to laugh or we'll cry go berserk and kill the fashion designers.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

So very, very true.

I sometimes think that fashion "designers" are a myth, for no rational human would expect another human to wear this kind of clothing.

What I think really happens is they give a cage of monkeys a bucket of Crayola markers, in the bright, bright ugly colors, set up easels and let them design that year's fashions. As long as it comes sorta close to looking like say, a dress, they go with it and call it "trendy".

That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. :)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

My theory is that they design things to hang on hangers. Sadly in this case but in all other ways happily, I am not built much like a hanger.

I admit that this still does not explain the lighthouses.

[seabream.livejournal.com]

Smiling too.

Re: hangers. Irritating isn't it? Granted, from my end, the irritation stems from being unable to lay certain articles flat which specify that as the position for drying.

[tewok.livejournal.com]

Fashion designers are not a myth. They are, however, the adults that were those children who were tormented by all the other children while the adults watched impassively. They are taking out their years of pain and anguish upon all women -- the generic mother figures who they feel should have protected them.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

I have a sneaking suspicion they do it on purpose, in order to prevent the bridesmaids from outshining the bride.

I had a friend in college who asked me to be her maid of honor (she had no bridesmaids - it was a shoestring wedding, we did pretty much everything ourselves), and she let me choose whatever dress pattern I wanted. As terrible as this sounds...I ended up looking better than the bride (based on comments from those who were there - I'm really not trying to be arrogant because I know I'm nothing special though I can clean up fairly well when I want to). Not that my dress was anything to go ga-ga over, but I chose a style that looked good with my body, and a color that really made me look amazing. Whereas she was wearing a cream color dress that, well, washed her out.

So I think there's an element of "Make sure the bride is the one who stands out" going on there with the bridesmaid/maid of honor dresses.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm not even a bridesmaid here. I am doing a reading. So I am not being told which dress to buy and in which colors; I'm just trying to harmonize with the wedding party without being matchy-matchy and look pretty without looking for attention. These sound like broad parameters, and yet the clothing designers hate me and all women are not making it easy at the moment.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm....I'm with you on the clothing designers all hating me. I can't stand most of what I see these days. I suppose instead of a dress, you could look for a blouse and skirt combo (or trousers, even, if that's your preference)?

One thing I hate about weddings is that you end up spending a ridiculous sum of money on something you end up never wearing again. That just...irritates me. It makes me want to tell people (if I ever have a wedding) - please come wearing whatever you want to wear. I don't care if that means jeans, broomstick skirts and blouses, tux, whatever.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I don't much like trousers. I tried them for awhile. They're just no good for me. I'm good with jeans, and I'm good with skirts and dresses. I may end up with a blouse/skirt combo, but I have difficulty finding blouse/skirt combos that strike me as the right level of formal for a wedding and are not totally odious to my tastes.

I've managed to rewear most of the dresses I got for weddings when I wasn't a bridesmaid, and I even rewore one of my bridesmaid dresses once. So that's luck or skill of some sort. I'm not giving up on rewearing others, either -- the black ones are fairly well suited to other formal events, if I ever go to a banquet or etc. again.

[redbird]

The last wedding I was in, the bride cheerfully and sincerely told me to wear whatever I wanted. By pure chance, I happened on a dress--in a style I would never have sought out--three days before leaving, while looking for something entirely else. I've worn it a couple of times since, because it does look good on me, but there are few circumstances in which I'm satisfied to have no pockets whatsoever. Had I not found that dress, I likely would have worn pants. (I was doing a reading; there was no maid/matron of honor.)

[columbina.livejournal.com]

One thing I hate about weddings is that you end up spending a ridiculous sum of money on something you end up never wearing again.

Especially in the Old School Southern Wedding, where the prevalent theory is that the bridesmaids' dresses must match the punch.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Now I am grossed out trying to imagine the ingredients in the punch at several weddings I've participated in. Beverages are not supposed to be navy. Very few beverages are supposed to be black, and most of those are supposed to stay well clear of punch.

The dress represented in this icon might do for a punch color, but that's about it.

[columbina.livejournal.com]

The question is, which is less acceptable, a navy punch, or [hot pink| orange|bright red|lime green] dresses? Such were the bridesmaids of my youth.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

That is not at all the color family I was imagining. These are not sherbet punches, are they?

[sethb.livejournal.com]

There can be good reasons for that.

[sethb.livejournal.com]

We have to laugh or we'll cry go berserk and kill the fashion designers.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I promise I am more fun here than in prison.

[sethb.livejournal.com]

I suspect the number of alibis you would have available would be rather large.

Besides, you'd be entitled to have some women on your jury.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Sort of the girly version of the Texas Defense, then. Got it.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

This is bad why?

(I mean, apart from the moral issues of killing in general.)

[timprov.livejournal.com]

It doesn't seem to get us anywhere? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Cunanan)

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

My MoH said the best moment of shopping for my wedding dress was the shop lady cooing obliviously while I hissed, "There are roses on my ass. On. My. Ass. Why are there roses on my ass?"

There are some... fascinating ideas about how one dressed for a wedding.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

The thing about roses as compared to lighthouses is that they are somewhat traditional. It would not be the first rose anyone had seen on a butt at a wedding. Whereas lighthouses....

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

Yes, they are. I question the wisdom of putting poofy things the size of my fist on the butt of a plus sized gown, however.

It would almost be worth having lighthouses on your butt as a talking point.

Almost.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

See, it's the talking that strikes me as the problem.*

Them: Hi, Mris.
Me: Hi.
Them: Why are there lighthouses on your butt? and chest? and everywhere else upon your person?
Me: Um. See, there was this tragic....no...well, one day my cousin...no...ummmmmm....

*That and, y'know, the lighthouses.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

I think I love you, based on this single post alone. LOL

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

Well, it would be hard not to, wouldn't it? ;)

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

This is true! I wouldn't want roses on my ass, either.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

Couldn't you wear that purple dress you bought last year? (Or possibly the year before. Time flies when you don't have time to breathe.) I remember you posting pictures of it when you found it after a long search, and it's really lovely. Or does this event need a different sort of dress?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

The bride has asked that I wear a light color since I'm reading in the ceremony and will be in photos with the wedding party, all of the women in which will be wearing light colors. The purple dress is rather vivid, and I see her point. (And even if I didn't see her point, it's her wedding, and I'm willing to please my friends if I can, if something is important to them for special events in their lives.) The purple dress may well get wear for a later wedding this year, though: that or whatever I buy for this one.

[selkie-b.livejournal.com]

Mrissa? How soon do you need this dress? I am a seamstress and I charge reasonable rates...

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

The wedding is early March, so I would need it by late February, but I fear that the last time I had a dress made for a wedding, it took me a really long time to find a pattern I liked. It's good to know that you do this, though -- I'll keep it in mind!

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

Ehe.

[profrobert.livejournal.com]

If you have to pick among the top 10, go with "talking cleavage." And post pictures.

Ow, hey, ow, no -- OW -- I was just, OW OW OW, just sayin' . . . . OW!

[evangoer.livejournal.com]

4. "Do you know when she's due?"

This is some sort of weird trend in women's fashion right now, dresses designed to flare out and make you look about seven months pregnant. My girlfriend and my little sister have both complained about this.

8. "Is that hole a design element, or did she have a near-fatal run-in with a knight on horseback on the way to the wedding?"

Ah, weddings these days just aren't as kick-ass as they used to be...

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

The "number of months pregnant" depends on the starting chest size of the woman in question. But for the shirts and dresses where an A-cup looks four months along, the rest of us are dooooooomed.

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

"That's not a dress...that's BODY ARMOR!"

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Actually I'm good with that one.

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Hmm...okay.

How about "Hey, a circus tent! Send in the clowns!"