Grandpa and me (memorial service remarks)

[mrissa]

I woke up at 4. I gave up on sleep at 5. Today is Grandpa's memorial service, and these are the remarks someone will read for me at that service. Obviously they're for a particular audience that way, and I will have more posts about me and my grandpa over time, as I feel I can do them. But here's what I'm saying to the people gathering later this morning.

Last year Grandma and Grandpa were up visiting us, and we went to the Minnesota Zoo. Grandpa insisted on pushing my wheelchair through the whole zoo. I was too dizzy to walk, and he needed something to lean on, so between the two of us we got by just fine. We were like that my whole life, whether I was bugging him to take his medicine or he was lifting me up to ride horseback in front of him when I was too little to ride by myself.

Lots of people have Christmas-and-birthday grandpas or vacation grandpas. I had an all-the-time grandpa. We talked on the phone every Monday morning, rain or shine, but sometimes he would call me at other times, too, particularly if he’d been playing one certain game with Grandma. Many of you, particularly Grandpa’s friends from Horizons, know that Grandpa was always up for a game, whether it was dominoes or Yahtzee or cribbage. A lot of nights, he and Grandma would play Scrabble--but Grandpa had a different name for it. The next morning he would call me. “Rissy,” he would say, “we played Beat the Hell Out of Richard again, and do you know what your grandmother did?” “Did she Beat the Hell Out of Richard?” I would ask, and he would say, “She sure did!” My grandpa was a very smart man, but he lost a lot of Scrabble games. Partly this is because my grandma is a very smart woman. I can tell you the other part, though, because it’s the same reason why I lose a lot of Scrabble games. Grandpa never cared about whether a word scored a lot of points. He always cared about whether it was an interesting word.


We traveled a lot together as a family, and we never had a bad vacation. One of the reasons we always had so much fun is that Grandpa could always find something interesting--even if we dragged him somewhere he didn’t think he wanted to go. I remember once we were in St. Louis and Grandpa wanted to go to the zoo when the rest of us wanted to go to the Botanical Gardens. Of course he went along with, and sure enough, he got fascinated with the giant water lilies, the ones that were big enough to hold up a whole grown man. So he went and read up on the water lilies and told me interesting facts about the water lilies. He did that in Norway with the old stave churches, and he did that in England with Sarum Plain, and he did that in the American South with the Civil War battlefields. Wherever I’ve gone in my life, Grandpa and I could always put our heads together and find something interesting.

My husband Mark is a computer scientist, and he can tell you about background processes—things the computer is always doing behind the scenes while you’re checking your e-mail or playing Hearts. I have noticed this week how much I always had a “Grandpa” background process. Would Grandpa like this book? Next time he visits, should we show him this movie? Could we take him to this restaurant--is this Grandpa’s sort of place? When I check the mail, I check the stamps for Grandpa; when I get a glass of water, I think of the water glass wars we had throughout my teens. There is no part of my life my grandpa didn’t touch, and always, always for the better.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Grandpa.

Comments

[cesario.livejournal.com]

That's lovely---it makes me wish I had known your grandfather.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yes, that exactly.

[talimena.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful person and relationship to have had in your life. The ability to find things interesting is one that I value most highly.

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's so sweet.

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

He sounds like he was an absolutely wonderful man. How lucky for you both to have had each other.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

That's heartbreaking. I have tears in my eyes.

Also, that background process? Don't expect it to go away, it won't. It will slow down a bit and it will stop hurting quite this much, but you'll still get surprised by it coming round a corner at you with particular things for the rest of your life.

It's great you had him as long as you did, and it's great that he was so nifty, and maybe you could look into playing online Scrabble>/a> with your grandma, it's working pretty well for me and my aunt, and DEATH JUST SUCKS, that's all, it sucks.

I hope you make it through the service OK. (http://www.lexulous.com)

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Yes. The voice stays, though maybe not for every book and every restaurant. But I remember thinking how much my grandfather would have loved a particular restaurant in Phoenix - and being sure to take my uncle there when he visited, so we could have that discussion.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Grandma will have lots of stuff to get through and decisions to make in the next several months, but one of the things I hope we can make happen before too long is getting her a computer.

[amylynnhines.livejournal.com]

so sorry for your loss. I was relieved when he seemed to be getting better, and sad to hear that he didn't make it after all. You write about him eloquently, and I hope the wonderful memories carry you through this ordeal. My condolences to you and your family.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. I didn't feel I knew you well enough to send Email, but this - what you've said - is what I wanted to say. That you were both so lucky to have an "all the time" grandpa/granddaughter.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

:)

Beautiful. I'm sorry I never got to meet him.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

You are a most fortunate woman, to have had such a relationship! I'm sorry for your loss, and glad for what you had.

[atdt1991.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful relationship.

[jenett]

That is the most wonderful telling, and I am so very sorry you had to write it.

I never knew either of my grandfathers (they both died before I was born), and my surviving grandmother only slightly (since she was in England, and I was not).

papersky is right. The background processes never quite go away - though 17 years later with my father, I'm finally at "Oh, right, add that to the list of things to talk about if various of are right about what happens after we die." Sort of. But a glimpse of the right kind of raincoat will still make me gasp, and a particular kind of British-accented voice will do it, and .. well, other things.

I've chosen to see those as much as gifts as possible. The person I loved isn't there for me to talk to, but remembering them, even when painful, is always something I would rather do than not remember them, y'know?

Thinking very much of you and your family today.

[rosefox]

Thank you for posting this. Best wishes to you and your family today, and safe travels to your grandpa.

[shweta-narayan.livejournal.com]

That's beautiful. I'm blinking back tears too.
What a wonderful person, so entirely deserving of a m'ris. I wish you could still have him with you, but am so glad you did.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

It is easier to get the M'ris you deserve when you are one of the bedrocks of her world from her first day. It may even be inevitable.

[shweta-narayan.livejournal.com]

I do understand this, intellectually. But so much of the Shweta is a result of pushing against people that there is really nobody I could say this about in the same way.

My poor parents surely deserve a far more biddable Shweta than they got, for example, and I am lucky that they like me anyway.

[framefolly.livejournal.com]

He sounds like an amazing man who brightened many lives. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad that you can speak about him in such a moving way.

[profrobert.livejournal.com]

Beautiful.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

That's very good.

And the Scrabble story works well in this form, I think.

[pameladean]

I hope all may be as well as possible.

You were an all-the-time granddaughter, too, you know. I'm just saying, it goes both ways.

P.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

You have made me love him. I am so, SO sorry, Marissa.

[zwol.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing that with us. I wish I could have known him.

[miz-hatbox.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[ckd]

This is a lovely tribute to your grandfather, and (as others have said) it makes me wish I'd known him too.

[pnkrokhockeymom.livejournal.com]

This touched me a lot, M'ris. It's very generous of you to share it with us. Thinking of you all day.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

Yes. What PRHM said. Beautiful, and thank you for sharing this.

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

It sounds like he was wonderful, and you were wonderful together.

[copperwise.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you had a Grandpa like this. He was obviously a big part of what made you such a wonderful person to know. Sending you love and prayers.

[fmi-agent.livejournal.com]

That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

[lynnal.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the lovely portrait of your Grandpa. I am glad you had him in your life, and I know you will miss him terribly. I was lucky to have similar relationships with both my grandmothers, and I miss them still.

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

That was very nicely done. When you're up to doing more posts about your grandpa, I'd like to hear about the water glass wars.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that was one of those interpersonal things that isn't going to translate well outside the parties involved.

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

Okay - perfectly understandable. I was just intrigued by the phrase.

[prettymuchpeggy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It is good that you will always have your grandpa with you in so many things.

[aedifica]

I teared up reading this, because you gave such a dear picture of him. I'm glad someone was there to read this for you, because I can imagine it would have been hard to make it through reading aloud without tears interrupting.

Still thinking of you and wishing blessings your way and toward your whole family.

[keilexandra]

This is beautiful.

[lydy.livejournal.com]

That's a beautiful piece of writing. It paints a clear and dear picture.

[laurel]

That's beautiful-- both the telling and the relationship it's about (and the people in it).

I'm still noticing things that might be good gifts for my grandparents and thinking of things to ask them or tell them.

[zellandyne.livejournal.com]

That was beautifully said. I am so sorry.

[scottjames.livejournal.com]

I've noticed Scrabble in the cabinet under the buffet more in the past week than in the past two years.

Beat the Hell Out of Richard, indeed.