Not proud or tired. Wait. Tired.

[mrissa]

I will start out by saying I had a really good time at World Fantasy. I start here because I don't want it to be obscured: I had a really good time. I have good friends, I work with good editors, and my friends have interesting friends and acquaintances. So I had a really good time at World Fantasy.

You knew there was a "but" coming, right?

But. One of the things it did is highlight that I am doing worse than I was earlier this year. If I'm honestly with myself--and you--I will say it's kind of a lot worse. There were four nights of convention, and in three out of the four of them I had such a severe energy crash in the evening that I had to go back to my room and get under the covers and stay there. This happened by 9:00 p.m.; after that, I was completely done for the day. I had to use my cane all day on Sunday. I haven't had to use my cane all day in awhile.

I am so very exhausted. I have been doing stuff to try to get to feeling better, and so far that stuff has not resulted in me feeling better but has resulted in the use of time, money, and energy. In kind of large quantities, in fact.

One of the results of this is that I came home from a major convention and trimmed my friendslist instead of adding to it. I feel bad about this, because I don't actually feel differently about those of you I've removed. None of you screwed up. But I'm having to cut to bone here. I'm doing things like putting a ban on baking until after Thanksgiving. That should tell those of you who have been around and know me how low I am feeling on time and energy. No one has offended or upset me recently; that's not what this is about. It's about trying to carve out some space to breathe. It's about trying to be sensible and rest a bit instead of making myself ill and then having to rest.

It's not going to be enough. I know that. But I'm doing what I can here.

More about WFC when I can. I'm going to go rest and then have the workout I need to have in order to be able to get dinner in me.

Comments

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

I am really sorry to hear that. It was so good to see you, but the cost of it is truly unfortunate. I'll cross my fingers (metaphorically; I don't want to subject you to the typos that would result otherwise) that things start moving in the other direction soon.

[shweta-narayan.livejournal.com]

oof :(
Best thoughts, and I'm really glad to have gotten to see you. And yes so much to self-care.

[wshaffer.livejournal.com]

It was really lovely to see you at World Fantasy, and I'm sorry that it was as taxing as it was.

Here's hoping that some of the stuff you're doing to feel better eventually pays off. Or you find some other stuff that pays off. Or, heck, a complete spontaneous remission with no effort on your part would be more than okay by me, actually.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

[markiv1111.livejournal.com]

I greatly appreciate the fact that you have kept me on your friends list. A lot of the stuff you say really resonates with me, so when I send you sympathy/empathy right here through the Internet, this has a lot to do with my having a good sense of how you are feeling. Hang in there and take care of yourself, as you are doing. Warmth and reassurance.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

Are you writing this in Minnesotan, or did you translate it to be understandable to overly dramatic Eastern European types? Because if it is written in native Minneotan, based on my limited understanding of the dialect, I should get on a plane and fly to your bedside. At any rate, I am alarmed, saddened, and concerned.

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that.

I really hope some of the stuff results in actual feeling better soon. Baking ban, ay.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Thank you, this expresses my feelings perfectly.

[timprov.livejournal.com]

She wrote "spinarch" on the grocery list this afternoon. Draw what conclusion from that you will.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Um. I do try to be comprehensible to you emotional types. But timprov's spinarch-related comment was sadly apropos.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Kittens maybe?

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I am happy to hear kitten stories. Allergies make this my best kitten interaction. But the poodlydog is on the case, trying to make sure I don't wander too far astray or do too much. ("Monkey, you! You sit down! You sit down here where the poodle can sit on you! Okay! Don't move! I'm taking a nap now. You are my substrate.")

[columbina.livejournal.com]

This. Especially the "alarmed, saddened, and concerned" part. Possibly not quite in that order, but all applicable. Sending good thoughts.

[aedifica]

The only bit that I can put into the right words right now is this: I am thinking of you with affection.

[pnkrokhockeymom.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry to hear you're feeling poorly and exhausted. Please please please let me know if there is anything I could do for you long-distance.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anything, but thanks.

[gwynnega]

I'm so sorry to hear you're not doing well. It was great to meet you.

[jenett]

So very sorry about the exhausted, because, yeah, it is a miserable thing. (And I hate the unpredictability of it, too. Still. Even though I'm currently on a "maybe that's going to stay consistently better than it was for a year" swing.)

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Do what you need to do for your health. (I know you don't need me saying that, but ... just in case you forget, remember that your friends would rather hear less from you at any given time than hear that you've collapsed.)

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're not doing well, and I'm sending good thoughts your way. If you'd like me to send something more tangible your way, like a book or a useful action of some kind, I would be happy to, also.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I can't think of what that would be, but thank you.

[brooksmoses]

Oh, gracious.

That sounds very discouraging. I had the impression that all of this was monotonically getting better and just had some very nearly flat spots in the monotonicity.

I do hope it gets back to improving soon. Let me know if there is anything helpful I can do. I can mail you baked goods!

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Yah, um, no. Not only was it not monotonically improving, it was not expected to monotonically improve last time I saw you.

Sometimes being closed-mouthed about such things leads to a bad time.

[aamcnamara.livejournal.com]

I am glad to hear that you had a good time at WFC, and sorry to hear about the "but". I hope that you find that time to breathe.

[aamcnamara.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I got your postcard--thank you! It was a lovely surprise.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

I am hanging out here and nodding at you. Don't get up, please -- I can reach the teapot myself. And I brought you a cookie.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Is it a chewy ginger cookie with chocolate chips in? I think it is....

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Yes! I have a magic virtual bag o' cookies which always produces the one you want.

Also, I just committed filk about the horrible WFC hotel.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Go you!

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, dearest M'ris. And I am so very sorry to hear that things are so very not good.

[redbird]

Take care of yourself, M'ris.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

It was so good to see you, but I am sorry about the cost.

[rosefox]

I'm doing things like putting a ban on baking until after Thanksgiving.

Oh, Mris. Please do take care of yourself. We'll still be here when you're better.

[icedrake.livejournal.com]

Oh no!
*hugs*
Feel better soon, and take care of yourself.

Any chance of any of it being due to the jet lag? It came down on me like a tonne of bricks on this trip. Possibly coincidental, but everyone in my room was down for the count by 10pm three nights of the four. I think I'd made it to one party the entire con.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

No, sadly this was highlighting a preexisting trend rather than being a new thing completely.

[elsmi.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm (selfishly) glad that you were able to make it to WFC despite it, but oog :-(. I hope that things go as well as they possibly can.

[clarentine]

Chronic illness sucks. I am glad you are being sensible, and I hope you feel better soon.

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are so bad.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

It was good to see you, but I'm sorry things are so hard. Take it easy.

[ckd]

Thinking of you and wishing you improvement; if only there were more I could do than that.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are not going well, and I do hope the pendulum swings back the other way soon!

[genarti]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm delighted you had a good time at WFC, but I'm sorry to hear about the cost, and the ongoing trend.

I hope things look up for you soon, and that you do get spaces to breathe.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Ouf. I am sorry to hear it, and glad you had a good time any way. If they will be consoling, I send you some sleepy-baby snuggles, since I have a surfeit of them from last week. (The new nephew has perfected his sleeping, eating, and snuggling skills, but not much else yet.)

[vcmw]

I hope you get lots of whatever is most pleasant and most refreshing right now. Naps? Tea? Unexpected pleasant mail and email? Tiny and delectable candies?