Hedge Words
Dec. 9th, 2004 10:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrissaTip #17 for Dealing With Mrissas:
If you're going to ask me an extremely personal question, just ask it. Do not hedge with "you don't have to answer this if you don't want to." I know I don't. I don't need permission to decide what comes out of my own mouth. Giving me your permission to respond as I see fit is patronizing and more likely to make me go Scandosotan and clam up on you. It's less likely to get your question answered, and it's less likely to get me to volunteer similar information later on.
(Even "I hope you don't mind my asking" is a safer hedge with me, because it indicates that you know you may have crossed a line in asking, not that I may have crossed a line in refusing to answer.)
I'm perfectly capable of saying, "I don't think that's any of your business" or "I prefer not to answer that question" or "I'm not going to talk about that right now" or "My goodness, why on earth would you ask me that?" I'm perfectly capable of carrying on a civilized conversation afterwards. I won't hold it against you if you ask a question I don't want to answer, unless you keep asking or act like I owe you the information. But I don't need your permission to speak or not to speak. EVER. That's not the world we're living in. And acting like you're handing out permission where you have no authority is not a good way to deal with me.
If you're going to ask me an extremely personal question, just ask it. Do not hedge with "you don't have to answer this if you don't want to." I know I don't. I don't need permission to decide what comes out of my own mouth. Giving me your permission to respond as I see fit is patronizing and more likely to make me go Scandosotan and clam up on you. It's less likely to get your question answered, and it's less likely to get me to volunteer similar information later on.
(Even "I hope you don't mind my asking" is a safer hedge with me, because it indicates that you know you may have crossed a line in asking, not that I may have crossed a line in refusing to answer.)
I'm perfectly capable of saying, "I don't think that's any of your business" or "I prefer not to answer that question" or "I'm not going to talk about that right now" or "My goodness, why on earth would you ask me that?" I'm perfectly capable of carrying on a civilized conversation afterwards. I won't hold it against you if you ask a question I don't want to answer, unless you keep asking or act like I owe you the information. But I don't need your permission to speak or not to speak. EVER. That's not the world we're living in. And acting like you're handing out permission where you have no authority is not a good way to deal with me.
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Re: Agreed
Date: 2004-12-10 12:36 am (UTC)Re: Agreed
Date: 2004-12-10 08:05 am (UTC)Why do you think sex is not fun? Why would you say stories of your sex life being without fun, only about pain that is , as it should be, hidden behind boundaries and not anyone else's business? So you think I should not talk with you at all, as we do not know each other and so your opinions are not my concern?
I think asking questions not because it is necessary is fun. In fact my lack of question asking skills makes me very sad. But in curiosity moves the world, Pandora notwithstanding.
Re: Agreed
Date: 2004-12-10 09:22 am (UTC)Some things are better or more comfortable when the people participating in them have a certain level of intimacy established and a certain level of trust. What those things are, and what that level of intimacy is, will vary from culture to culture and from individual to individual. That doesn't mean that no questions are permissible, just that some should be put off until later.
Re: Agreed
Date: 2004-12-10 10:36 pm (UTC)Mack