If I shave Lillian's head and start calling her Charlie, this will be why.

[mrissa]

This winter we bought tickets to take my grandmother to Cinderella at a local theater.

Just now a fundraising monkey from the local theater called me.

"Is this Marissa?"

I allowed as how it was.

"This is X from the Y, you know, the lovely theater where you saw Cinderella this last Christmastime?"

"Yes, I know who you are," I said. They are large. They are connected to my beautiful palace of (very bad) hockey. It would be difficult not to know who they were.

"Did it make you feel just like Cinderella?" she gushed.

"I don't require that of a theatrical performance," I said.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT.

I am what we technically call a grown woman. And what. WHAT. DID YOU FEEL JUST LIKE CINDERELLA WHAT. No, I felt like the phantom who burns down the theater and what do you mean that's the wrong musical. It's the right musical now, lady. I didn't at the time. But now I do.

I am not a sparkly princess. I was my Grandpa's princess. I was the kind of princess he gave his compass and protractor to and all his maps and stamps and stuff with math and knot-tying. That kind of princess. Nobody else in the world gets to try to make me be their princess. The only person who did that is gone, and I am 33 years old. STOP. Not every little girl dreams of a tiara, and I am not a little girl. Little girls do not have credit cards to buy tickets to your theater. Guess who else doesn't buy tickets to your theater? STOP COOING, LADY. GO AWAY.

Comments

[alecaustin.livejournal.com]

As I believe I said on IM: Gaaaaaaaaah.

(How much you want to bet they don't ask male ticket-holders if the play made them feel like Prince Charming?)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

"Dear sir, did this play make you feel like a pumpkin-drawing rat?"

[alecaustin.livejournal.com]

"Dear sir, did this play make you feel like a pumpkin? No? How about a glass slipper? No? Not even like a pretty pretty pony?" (pause)

"Hey! Reginald! The subliminal messaging isn't working! We'll have to kick it up a notch!"

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

"The difference between someone who'll burn down the world to save his daughter and someone who'll burn down the world to see the pretty flames depends largely on whether you're identifying with the world."

If they think plays work that way, let's hope they don't put on Dangerous Liaisons any time soon.

[moiread]

I hope they ask even the male ticket-holders if it made them feel just like Cinderella. I figure I could put up with having the question asked of me if they also did that.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

Yeeeeeeg. Really? That's...that's...ew. Ick. I mean, lately we're fielding a lot of calls from the local symphony, eager to sell us concert series ever since we saw the Blind Boys of Alabama do their Christmas show there, which seems a little bit clueless because it's just possible that the core audience for a vocal group who do gospel, blues, and R&B harmonies may not necessarily be the same as fans of Mahler, Ravel, and Shostakovich (though in our case it's not a bad bet). They do always ask if we enjoyed that show as a lead in to trying to sell us season tickets to classical music, but no one seems to think it would have made anyone in the audience feel more like a blind negro child in an Alabama orphanage in the 1930s. Which seems about as likely, frankly.

[auriaephiala.livejournal.com]

Good GRIEF!

[wshaffer.livejournal.com]

I admire your presence of mind, giving the response you did.

The last time I gave money to a theater, it was because they sent me a letter telling me how much stage blood my donation would buy for their production of The Duchess of Malfi. I think I bought two buckets worth, which was rather less than was required for a single night's performance.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

That would be far more effective, I have to say.

I think one of the reasons shows with "snappy dialog" that is mostly fast dialog are less inherently appealing to me is that we are actually pretty good at fast dialog around here.

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

That is great copywriting.

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Oh dear.

Have I mentioned how much I love your posting style? "It's the right musical now, lady."

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Well, thanks!

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

If you only want to complain about this you have every right to stay the course with that plan, but if you want them to stop making that horrible pitch and to apologize to you, the person to contact is:

Peggie Van Wychen
Director of Development
pvanwychen@ordway.org

Her boss is:

Patricia A. Mitchell
President and CEO
pmitchell@ordway.org

The website offers an e-mail contact form, but who knows who reads it:
http://www.ordway.org/contact/email/

No direct dial phone numbers appear with the staff listing (not impressed) but the main number is: 651.282.3000.

I hope whatever you decide to do lowers your annoyance level.

K.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Thanks for digging up that information, K.

[icedrake.livejournal.com]

WHAT. No, really. WHAT.

If you were to put on a musical, I'd pitch in for as much stage blood as I could.

Just sayin'.

[miz-hatbox.livejournal.com]

"I don't require that of a theatrical performance," I said.

*gives you a standing ovation*

[thanate.livejournal.com]

Uh, wow. On the whole I'm not particularly interested in being either overworked & abused, or married to some prince I've barely met just because I went to a play... I guess this would be another reason I try not to give out my phone number to random people if I can possibly help it.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

I have just had the revelation that men have been condescending to me all my life, not because I'm young, as I thought, but because I am female. This anecdote provides evidence that women may also condescend to each other for the same reason. Love your response.

[mechaieh.livejournal.com]

Ewwwwww to gushy lady.

That said, wshaffer's recollection of donations for stage blood delights me.

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

I am usually happy to Support the Arts but my, oh, my.

[moiread]

I read this and my response was a derisive snort noise. I think that's as much as I need to say. ;)

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Yes, and Angels in America made me feel just like Roy Cohn.

[laurel]

I'm having a lot of OMGWTFBBQ moments tonight on ye olde internet. First was reading about the "new direction" at Restoration Hardware and seeing an egg chair with rivets and other design atrocities, but now this . . . I mean, WTF?

And then there was The Big Hrbowski, but that was more of a fun WTF moment with the Twins ads and stuff.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen the new Twins ad stuff, but timprov assures me I will have ten million opportunities as the season progresses.

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

This has made me laugh so hard I literally have tears running down my face.

You should send this to Melissa at Pigtail Pals.

[dlandon.livejournal.com]

What the WHAT?

Did it make you feel like CInderella, my ass.

- D

[firecat]

"Why yes, watching the play DID make me feel like I was cleaning ashes off the grate with my tongue."