Barnstorming on an Invisible Segway

Under friendslock, one of my friends asked about "bucket lists" or "life lists," and I decided that I should edit my comment to be suitable to repost here: I have deliberately not done that thing, and I intend to keep deliberately not doing it.

I know my own personality and attachment to lists. There are people who could make a list like that and not have it get in the way of them scrapping bits of it to do other fascinating things instead. I am not one of them. What I want to do before I die is continue to cultivate an attitude that allows me to take advantage of the interesting opportunities that come my way, and to continue to create those opportunities from sheer stubbornness if need be.

Most of the best things in my life are not things I could predict in advance. Many of them are predicated on relationships with specific people, and you can't always control all the variables--if I'd been fixated on taking Lillian to a play last spring, I'd have been disappointed, because she wasn't really ready to go when we had tickets to take her and Rob to the Ernie and Bert musical. I think now she is, and we're going to try "Annie" this spring, and in the meantime we had a lovely time with just Rob. Other things are opportunities that come up in unpredictable ways--my parents, for example, would not have put Germany on their "bucket list," but when they had an opportunity to go because of Dad's work, they had a fabulous time and still talk fondly about it among the many trips they've enjoyed. Even in the things we theoretically knew we wanted to do, some of the best moments have been completely unexpected opportunities. When we went to London with the grands, we had no idea they'd be using Buckingham Palace as a screen for projecting pictures in memory and honor of those who served in WWII--but it was really neat that they did, and my grandmother got into a good conversation with an Englishwoman sitting next to us on the kerb watching. The woman talked about her father's WWII service, Grandma talked about her brother who died on the beachhead at Anzio, and they hugged before we parted ways. Grandma would never have written down, "talk about WWII while watching photos on Buckingham Palace" on her bucket list, but it affected her quite strongly.

I occasionally struggle a little with the fact that Grandpa and I didn't get to Alaska together before he died. Going to 49 of the US states together seems worse somehow than only 43, although I would not by any means skip the last six we did, and I remind myself that's what that means--or skipping the London trip, which was wonderful, the one Grandpa listed as his favorite. But if I had not had this damnable vertigo, going to Alaska would have been a good time together, and then if he hadn't gotten that damnable bronchitis and all that followed. And the thing is, I don't want to do that. I want to cultivate an attitude of being glad for the things we did--49 states, for the love of Pete! not to mention the Canadian provinces and more distant foreign countries!--and not sorry for the things we didn't get to do. For some people, the bucket list/life list is a way of remembering their priorities, and I think it's great for people who have the mindset to use it that way--or who need to make that kind of list to get there. For me it would be a source of regret, when I'd rather consider things in terms of opportunity.

I've only said the v-word once here, but it's pretty important. We hope that I can get the vertigo under control and keep it that way from here on out, but I'm also realistic that we don't actually know whether that'll happen. And I would far rather find things that will be wonderful with the abilities I do have than fixate on what I thought would be wonderful at 20, 25, 30, whatever, and spend my time seeing the ways I've been limited instead of the ways I've found ways to enjoy the life I have. Some people find a bucket list a good way to enjoy the lives they have, and that's great. But this is why I don't think it would be that for me.

The question meme has come around again on the guitar. You know the drill: ask me five questions or comment asking to have me ask you five questions. Or both. And then pass it on. This batch of five is from azhure:

1 - What book would you like to have written?
Copper Mountain. Wow, do I ever wish that thing was finished. Most of the stuff I write, I like writing. I already did a disastrous draft of that one, and doing another draft is not as appealing as it could be, even though there are things about it that seem like they might be good fun.

2 - When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A writer. I win! Also a physicist. Tried that; it was not a good temperamental fit. Before I knew what a physicist was/did by name, I was mostly groping around trying to figure out how to tell people that was what I wanted to do.

3 - What would you like to change about the world?
So many things, uff da. Not only are there, as the fella points out, people wrong on the internet, they're doing it off the internet, too! And then there are the things that aren't anybody's doing that suck anyway. What I want is for everybody to have the room to think in the long-term. I don't think we'd come up with the same wants (or even the same idea of what things were wants vs. needs) if that was the case, but it'd sure be interesting, and a lot less frustrating than reading over and over again of historical figures making short-term choices that went really badly over the long-run. Starving people do not have a lot of room for the long view. Nor do people with contaminated water supplies or viciously oppressive governments or any of a number of ills. I think the quality of problems we'd have if everybody had the room to draw breath and think would be a higher and more interesting quality of problems.

4 - What dead historical figure would you like to meet?
Today we're going to go with Lise Meitner. Tomorrow it would be different.

5 - What do you regret the most?
Okay, that one's a little more personal than I care to share in specific detail on the internet. Suffice it to say that there was something that, while perfectly true, never needed to be said to the person I said it to. Mostly I don't spend a lot of time on regrets, because the past is not the bit I can control, the present and the future are. So apologizing for bad behavior, analyzing why it went wrong if there's a question, and trying to do better in the future in specific, concrete ways seems a lot more productive than regretting.

So anyway. You know how this goes. Ask me, or I'll ask you.

So. Where are we on the list I made on January 1?

( stuff, stuff, stuff; very little nonsense )

I was trying to make a list of things I would like to do in 2009, but it was not a good morning, so I was getting through, "Walk unassisted," and, "Drive," and then I was getting all snuffly. Not so much fun. It has been generally agreed around here that while we are by no means giving up on me getting to do those two things, it is probably a good idea if I come up with a list of cool things I can do in 2009 even if they are delayed in coming. I am remembering that I talked to one of you last May, and that person said something about seeing me at World Fantasy, and I said that I wasn't sure if I'd be well enough to travel alone by November. And they reacted with some horror: "But that's six more months!" It was. And I wasn't. But one of the mantras I've had this year is, "You've gotta live your life."

So. As I said, I'm not giving up on doing things that require me to be independently mobile in 2009, so you don't need to reassure me on that front. (And, in fact, reassurances are likely to get a skeptical eyebrow rather than warm thanks, because you don't, in fact, know when these things will be possible for me, and I'd rather not hear a hearty, "Surely you'll be back to your old normal by such-and-such!" when in fact it's entirely possible that I won't.) This is just the stuff we know I can do in theory. Stuff the vertigo can't rule out completely, even if it sticks around at current levels. Stuff. Yah.

( life-living listish thing )